Secondhand Nightmares: 10 Horrifying Thrift Store Finds
Thrift stores are a godsend for the poor and the tragically hip. You can find nearly anything there, and for dirt cheap, too! Even horror. Especially horror.
The Curse of the Irish
OH GOD HOW DID HE GET THAT
Dora the Horror
What? What's out of place here? It's just a wall of kid's sleeping bags. Why can't I shake the feeling that I am being watched, judged and found wanting? Where is that cold, unfeeling disdain of my very being coming from? It's not Elmo; Elmo seems pretty cool with me. It's not the Disney princess. I mean, she looks like a judgmental bitch and all (every Disney princess does), but hers is more of an "I can't believe you're wearing that" vibe, and less of a "your pathetic scrabbling dance is something I do not recognize as life" vibe, like the one I'm getting here. God, where is that coming from?!The Bloodpig
The "Friendly" Chefs
The "friendly chef" statues are in every thrift store, every department store and at every Russian flea market (right next to the Betty Boop lamps, behind the switchblades with the ornate crosses painted on them). They come in a variety of poses: they might be stirring a pot, presenting you with a plate of spaghetti, tossing a pizza or just wrist-deep in intestines! Well, that's a little off-putting, but it is a part of cooking. So it's not disquieting in a way that haunts you, quietly, in the twilight state between sleep and waking. Like ... Yep. That'll do it. I just want to stress that I found him like this: Decapitated neatly, head set upside down and with loving care at his own feet, smiling pleasantly up at me. Either this was just an unfortunate and unsettling accident, or else somebody is trying to send an obscure but ominous warning to the fat, mustachioed owner of the southeastern St. Vincent De Paul.Africaliens
My motto: "Always leave things worse than when you found them, no matter how awful they already are."
Elmo the Childsbane
Hey guys, it's a baby party! Yell in excitement! Yell! Yell because the monster is here! The monster watches you! The monster does not blink, so you yell! Yell because mommy isn't helping you! Yell because nobody is helping! Yell because the nice man periodically steps forward to move the monster just a little bit closer to your face! Yell because you are so very small, and the world is so very big, and sometimes ... sometimes there are monstersBurn Your Dogs
Aw, this is just a statue of a friendly, mopey-faced dog. What's wrong with that? Maybe he can guard your keys, and you'll give him a ridiculously cute name, like Dr. Faceflaps, and every time you look at him you'll be reminded of all the great dogs you've owned, and their unceasing, unquestioning love. Well, there is one question they'd like answered:"Why do you want to burn me?"
See that? Candle-wick. Finally, a candle for people that want to watch cute puppies slowly melt into puddles of goo, but aren't legally allowed to buy any more hydrochloric acid without getting their names onto some bullshit government watch list.The Angel of Industry
Christmas is that joyous time every year when we celebrate that we are still useful and have not yet been discarded. Glory to The Machine! The Machine grinds on!
Dead Baby Dolls
I like to think that stumbling across this was the last straw that finally caused some Salvation Army worker to quit her job and go back to college.
There is Nothing
There is no bonus. There is nothing.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook but why bother? In the end, there is nothing. There is nothing. There is nothing. There is nothing.