The 5 Most Indefensible Sex Scenes In Superhero Movies

5 The Return Of Swamp Thing

On the one hand, how could the sex in this movie ever be even remotely not stupid? On the other hand, if you're including the sex, you damn well put the effort in to make it memorable and hot. I want to fap to Swamp Thing boning Heather Locklear in all his green-donged glory. Me and Japan, we dig that shit. It's what the audience deserves.

Instead, the movie gives us Locklear in a shitty swamp pad with Swamp Thing, who laments his lack of penis by offering her crotch endive. I've never typed that sentence in my life before now, but every word of it is true.

Locklear eats the crotch salad and then has a hallucinogenic humpventure with a non-swampy Swamp Thing. So basically he roofied her and maybe post-hypnotically suggested he was buggering her against a log. I say that the man has total control of plants, and could have absolutely had a soft but supple vine with a mushroom growth on the tip serve as his Swamp Thing Thing, and that he could have then used it to plow her like a field of soy. In the end, the scene is tragically flawed, because Hollywood never thought to ask grade-school me how the sex should have played out in their film.

Kick-Ass is an exceptionally cool film that was followed by an exceptionally underwhelming and oddly disquieting sequel. Neither one seems to have any idea how to deal with sexuality in a way that doesn't make you want to fast-forward the movie for a moment, either.

Kick-Ass the first has a preoccupation with the main character's masturbation habits -- or "Fap Habitualis," as the Romans would have said. And maybe that's where comic book movies are going in the next few years: toward excessive masturbation and teenage boys who fight in diving suits. I don't know. What I do know is that in the sequel to Kick-Ass, McLovin hilariously attempts to rape a woman.

Now, before anyone shoots me for my word choice, I'm just pointing out what I think is the major, devastating, mind-boggling flaw in this movie: They tried to make a potential rape scene funny. It wasn't funny, but I think that was the goal. If you recall, McLovin's Motherfucker character is set to sexually assault the character Night Bitch, only he's unable to achieve an erection. Ha ha, he has limp dick! Rape averted!

The tone is all wrong, the scene is all wrong, the motivation is all wrong -- nothing makes sense at all about this scene, given the character to this point. He's like a pseudo-villain, a pretend villain, and maybe that's why he can't really commit the act? Because he's not genuinely evil? Or not evil enough? I can't wrap my head around what the script was trying to do. All I know is they set up a rape scene in the middle of a fun action flick that featured Jim Carrey as a knockoff Captain America, and I don't feel good about it.

If you remember the movie Hancock, then I'm sorry. No one should be burdened with that. Ah, who am I kidding, it wasn't that bad. It has Charlize Theron, and she's a delight in everything except Monster, where she unfairly stole the job of an uggo. I'm surprised a union didn't file a grievance somewhere.

As superhero movie goes, Hancock was supposed to be realistic, and it ended up being kind of funny and kind of disappointing, because Will Smith's character is a bit too much of an asshole throughout the film to care about. But because it deals with realism -- how would the world really work if Superman existed, basically -- it busted out the age-old question about superhero sex.

I think this was first addressed in Mallrats, but I could be wrong. Suffice to say that Kevin Smith has long wondered, as have many others, how Superman could bone a regular human woman. His ejaculate, a thing no man can control, would be as superpowered as the rest of him. And if this guy can punch through walls, his jizz would go off like a fire hose. Or would it?

Well, Hancock does answer this question in a deleted scene. Why deleted? Because as much as fanboys could ask this question, no one really wants to be confronted with the answer. It's ridiculous. As you can see, the dude blows holes in the ceiling. Ha ha, super jizz is flying through space and will probably kill a duck!

My issue here is complex, but if I have to pick just one aspect of this I really have a problem with, it's that Smith warns his lady of choice to back off when he tells her to. When he's about to reach the "mountaintop," she needs to get as far away from him as possible. In fact, in the scene, he throws her across the room ...

... before firing three holes through his ceiling.

And I have no doubt that someone was gifted a gold watch for comedy innovation on set when they did that scene, but the implication of this, unless I'm terribly off-base, is that at least once in his past, Hancock blew a woman to pieces with his spooge. How else would he know she needs to get so far away? This isn't a conscientious man who thinks ahead and cares for others -- his character is a thoughtless asshole. He absolutely jizzed a woman into oblivion in his past.

2 Superman III

Superman III was the one where everyone gave up and hired Richard Pryor. They introduce a new kind of synthetic Kryptonite which, instead of weakening Superman, makes him an asshole in the vein of Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3. Come to think of it, there may be a connection there. Batman Forever was pretty idiotic as well, and so was the third X-men. The third film in any superhero franchise is apparently crusted shit. Make a note of it.

Anyway, Superman is being a nuisance to some master criminal who wants Richard Pryor to destroy coffee. Makes sense so far, right? Superman gets a bad batch of Kryptonite and totally goes off the reservation. Dude straightens the leaning Tower of Pisa and everything. He also gets shitfaced and ends up banging some blonde lady. You're obviously not treated to a lot of details, because this is a 1980s Christopher Reeve Superman film and the intended audience seemed to be children who eat paint chips. But make no mistake; the deed does happen.

Just like the implied sex which led to Superman somehow having a son in desperate need of a haircut in the terrible Superman Returns, this particular act of sexual chicanery didn't incapacitate anyone at all. How? I'm forced to assume that Superman gives himself a handy while maybe pleasuring his lady friend orally or something. It just can't work any other way. Well, I guess she could give him a handy, too. But the point is, coitus is a no-go, for reasons we're all aware of. And that means Superman's son from Superman Returns was probably a turkey baster baby. Lois just grabbed his love leavings and stood on her head for a while until they trickled to her womb, or however science says this thing works.

1 Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

You may not agree that this was even a sex scene, due to the fact that it's presented as a fight in front of a crowd, but I hasten to remind you of how exactly Scott wins this fight. If you haven't seen the movie, it's about Michael Cera being awkwardly affable while he video game kung fu fights the exes of the girl he likes. You know, that old story.

One of the exes Scott must face is Roxie Richter, played by Egg from Arrested Development. There's a giant hammer and a sword belt and assorted other shenanigans, and you should certainly give it a look if you don't hate Michael Cera, because it's a very Michael Cera type of movie. But that's irrelevant. The relevancy comes from how exactly Scott defeats Roxie in their fight: He gives her a knee job.

What's a knee job, you ask? It's rubbing someone's knee, more or less. I think Scott literally pokes it, but the point is he's told by his love interest that Roxie really gets off on knee stimulation. So Scott touches her there and, in comic fashion, she's incapacitated by sudden onset kneegasm. So he sexually assaulted her.

Is it an overreaction to refer to that comic scene as a sexual assault? Eh, it wasn't a brutal sexual assault in the sense that you don't need to cover your eyes and grit your teeth. It's not like watching The Accused. But he did specifically get the heads up from the girl's ex that the knee will take her out, and she did collapse in an orgasm so powerful that it removed her from reality, which is way stronger than most of mine, so that was a low blow. I'd call it exploitative, if nothing else. Imagine if she didn't have any personal quirks, and Scott was just told she really gets off on G-spot stimulation. Was he going to fingerbang her into submission? No one would tolerate a scene like that. Its just lucky for everyone that knee stimulation is the thing that did the job for this particular person, but the violation seems the same, doesn't it?

Check out how Robin and Wonder Girl like to get freaky in The 6 Creepiest Sexual Encounters in Comic Book History, and learn about the time Iron Man had an abusive boyfriend in The 8 Most Awkward Sexual Moments in Comic Book History.

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