If Bruce Wayne Was More Like Other Guys

Just talk to her. Come on. You're one of the richest men in the world. Just say, "Hi."

"Well, hello there. I couldn't help noticing you across the bar. You looked like you could use some company. My name's Bruce Wa- You ... What's that? You know me? Oh, yes -- how stupid. Of course you know me. Right."

"Of course you know me"? Jesus, now I just sound like an asshole, like "Yes, I'm super-famous billionaire Bruce Wayne, how could you NOT know who I am?" What a jerk. I'm so bad at this.

"I mean- What I mean to say is -- yes, my reputation unfortunately precedes me. It is embarrassing, truly, that my position in Gotham thrusts me into the spotlight. I really don't like the attention very much at all. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be 'Bruce Wayne: Wealthy Entrepreneur,' and I could just be, like, 'Bruce,' you know? Just a guy. An everyday Joe. The kind of guy you can watch the game with. The kind of guy you can shoot the shit with. The kind of guy who can go up to a pretty girl in a bar and strike up a conversation, stripped of all the externals of 'wealth' and 'status.' "

Starting to sound a bit pretentious, here. Maybe dial it down a bit.

"I believe it was Camus who once said -- and forgive me, but it really only sounds best in the original French -- Aujourd'hui-"

THAT'S dialed down?? Just take a deep breath and talk to her.

"But, or, rather, never mind all that for now, I changed my mind, French is clunky and Camus is for ... rapists. But tell me -- what is your name? ... Elise. Beautiful name, really. Elise. Elise, I know this might sound strange, me being the richest man in Gotham and all, but can I buy you a drink? Bartender, I'd like a- What's that, Elise? No? What, you don't drink or- Oh. Just not interested. I see. Yes, well, that's ... that'll be fine."

I just got turned down. Me. Bruce Wayne. First time for everything, I guess. Onward and upward.

"Anyway, it was lovely talking to you, and if you change your mind, I'll be close by ..."

I'm fine. I should really just move on to some other chick. Honestly, this isn't a big deal, people get rejected. It's how life goes, I guess. So this chick rejected me, so what? Oh, what am I going to do, should I go home and cry about it or should I nail a bunch of ultra-models in my penthouse? Boom. Yes. The second one. I'm not gonna get hung up on this, I'm Bruce Fucking Wayne. I was doing sixsomes by the time I was 18. I should just forget this chick. I'm gonna call up Kaitlin from accounting, or that nurse, Jaymee, or Susan, or an actual fucking princess or literally any woman on the planet. This is gonna be a good night to be Ole Brucie.

"One more- Elise? One more second, I'd just like to bend your pretty little ear. You're certain you know that I'm -- Hey, Bartender, six beers -- you're certain you know that I'm Bruce Wayne, right? You said you recognized me, and I just wanted to make sure you weren't mistaking me for someone else. A lot of people confuse me with Colin Farrel, and Brad Pitt and Jon Hamm and various other living caricatures of handsomeness with jawlines you could set a NASA clock to. I'm Bruce 'Wayne Enterprises' Wayne. Enterprises. I own Wayne Enterprises. It's- I'm pretty sure it's the only non-mafia-related profitable company in all of Gotham. I also run some successful charities, I live in a giant mansion, and -- and this is just speculation here -- but I'm pretty sure I have both the core and upper body strength to, should the need arise, lift myself up onto a skyscraper with, say, a grappling hook of some sort. It's clear that I'm in good shape, yeah? Based on my muscles and so forth? What's that? You'd rather just drink alone? No, no that's ... sure."

This is good. We're good. This is important for me, like, developmentally speaking. It's important that I don't always get what I want. My impossible good looks, bottomless bank account and wildly public charity work have never failed to seduce women in the past. It's good for me to learn humility. So ... but, no, seriously, what is this woman into if not objectively handsome rich guys?

"Elise? Hi, me again, Bruce 'Bruce Wayne' Wayne, again. I just wanted to see if there was- You know I'm trained in 127 styles of combat, right? And I know like a dozen languages? Still nothing? OK. Cool. I once punched the prime minister of England, and I was justified. It will surprise you which one it was. Nothing?"

Big guns.

"It was Margaret Thatcher. Still? Cool."

Man, none of the old stuff is working. What does it take? What's it take to impress this chick?

...

I just- I should just tell her. I know it. I should just bat-waltz right up to her and be like "Oh, by the way, I'm also Batman." I bet that would do it. It would have to, right? I've never met someone who didn't want to fuck a billionaire Aikido master. Ever. So if you fall into that small group of people who aren't attractive to naturally attractive people, then I just have to assume that your type is of the Batman variety. Those are the only two types, to me; powerful, ripped people and batmen. Like, statistically speaking, if me being wealthy, handsome, well-rounded, articulate, accomplished and charitable doesn't get her hot, then certainly me being Batman will, right? I mean, that'd certainly do it for her, right? Telling her that I'm Batman would be like getting the best steak you've ever had and then finding out it's also fat free and super good for you, or it's like hiring someone who is a model employee but also Santa Claus, or it's like meeting someone who is rich and successful and, as a cherry-on-top, is Bat-freaking-Man. Let's test the waters.

"Elise, I don't mean to Batarang you, here, or anything, but I just wanted to triple check and make sure I couldn't interest you in a dance, seeing as I've studied dance all over the world, and- Huh? And what'd I say? I said 'Batarang'? Honest mistake, I meant to say 'harangue.' The words are kind of similar, so ... slip of the tongue, I suppose. I didn't mean to say Batarang. Batarang. Bat. A. Rang."

Did her eyes light up when I said 'Batarang'? I think they did. I'm- That's it, I'm gonna tell her, this is stupid. I'm just going to tell her. Being Batman is the only thing more impressive than being a billionaire, and I REALLY want to nail this chick.

"Elise, I don't normally do this, but ..."

Wait. What would I do with her afterward? She would know my secret. I mean I'd have to kill her, right? Maybe? No, no, I couldn't do that. But I think that's what the Green Arrow did one time. Maybe I should text him about it.

"Elise, do you- How does- On a scale of one to 10, how do you feel, on an emotional, intellectual, spiritual level, about batmen, as a ... like as a concept? This is totally unrelated to ... whatever we were talking about. I'm just curious."

I can't believe I'm gonna kill this woman.

Wait a minute, what am I saying, I'm a brilliant scientist! If I want her to forget my identity, why don't I just invent some kind of pill, or gas or potion, something to make her forget this whole evening? That way I could just slip her a pill, drop the ole' "Batman" bomb on her, impress her right out of those pants and then the next morning she'll have no idea what- Oh that's roofies, is what I'm thinking of. I just invented roofies. Shit. No. That's worse. "Bruce Wayne Roofies Woman." That's much worse.

"Eleven beers for the richest man in Gotham, please, bartender."

I can't believe Batman was almost going to totally roofie someone. What a disaster that would've been. Get it together, Bruce. Just be yourself. Even if you didn't have a bunch of money and a sweet ride and an even sweeter Batmodick, you'd still be a good guy. You're kind and thoughtful and considerate. Just talk to her. Listen to her. Be sweet, be honest, and be there for her.

"Elise, I may not- Oh, you're leaving, like, for good? OK, well, it was nice- Have a good- I'll ... never forget you."

Bitch. I am going to go beat the shit out of Joker.

Find out where Batman keeps all his nifty toys in Why Spider-Man is a Dick.