15 Things Parents Should Know When Telling Drugs About Kids
Hey. Hey there, drugs. Sit down. Yeah, right there on the mirror is fine.
No, you're not in trouble. We need to talk.
Don't Tell My Kids About What We Do Here
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOA. Yeah.
OK. Yeah! Where were we? Yeah!
Yeah!
Look, drugs, it's important to be open and honest about our need to keep secrets from my kids. They can never know what you and I do here. Never.
I Love Them, I Love Them So Much
But it's more than love. There are just things you wouldn't understand, drugs. Things only a parent can know. Like you need words that don't exist to describe the sensation. Foozitance. It gives you a huge sense of foozitance.
It's foozitance and love and even some scropularity. It's so much work, drugs, it's so much work. But the scropularity and lamf makes it all worth it.
Open A Window
No, not because of the smell. But, yeah, the smell. No, mainly I don't like feeling penned in, is all.
People got to be free. We've got these legs that were born to run and arms for whipping rocks at dukes. Windows are important.
Freedom.
They're Going To Think I'm Such A Fuck-Up, Man
They're smart, kids; they're so smart. They don't know, like, book things yet, but they're always fucking learning like they can't even fucking turn it off.
They're going to know something's wrong. They're going to find out what a loser their dad is, like everyone else has, and deny me loans, and judge my pants decisions, and then ... and then ...
And then ...
Animal Crackers Aren't Even Fucking Crackers
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOA. Yeah.
Seriously, drugs, Animal Crackers are like little cookies, you know? And half the time they don't even look like animals, because they've got their heads cut off or some shit. They should be called ... Terror Corpse Cookies.
HAHHAHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA
My Parents Must Have Had This Talk With Their Drugs
Having a kid really puts a lot of your own life into perspective. It, like, dilates your inner eye. No, not the rectum. No, it just makes you see things. Like you finally see your parents not as parents but as fellow human beings and drug users.
How much Valium did they have to take to tolerate this?
They must have had, like, this exact same talk with their drugs. I would have been out there, tear-assing around on my Big Wheel, and they'd be in the kitchen, talking to a big bag of Quaaludes or something. Big Wheels. Wheels. Circles. Circle of life.
Fuck.
What Will Drugs Be Like When They're Grown-Ups?
I mean, will they be injecting it directly into their brains, or downloading it, or what? Or what, drugs?
ANSWER ME.
No. No! My kids are too good for this. They're not going to be a catastrophe like their old man. Listen to me, drugs.
Listen to me.
If there was, like, an open market for dads, I wouldn't do well on it. I'd be, like, in the remainder bin at the end. Like the dollar CD bin for dads. Teens would buy me ironically just to make fun of me. I'd be the John Denver Christmas Album of dads.
I've got to clean myself up, drugs. I've got to be a better class of CD for my kids. I've got to be, like, the John Denver Greatest Hits Album of dads.
I'd Like A Pony Too, Sometimes
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOA. Yeah.
Seriously, I'd be fucking rad if I had a pony.
Where Is Waldo?
Let's do this. This is fun as shit.
There he is. Man, that was fun.
There He Is Again
This is, like, shockingly easy for me right now. I swear I haven't memorized this book. This is one of the new ones; I just got them. I've got fucking powers right now.
I bet, like, the military or the CIA has drugs for situations just like this, dudes wired up on, like, turbo speed, poring over satellite photos, looking for terrorists in striped shirts.
Waldo's Definitely Done Drugs
Look at that shirt.
Drugs.
Who Is Waldo?
I mean, he's got no backstory. He's always lost, hiding. You find him, and then poof -- turn the page, he's gone again. Is he our friend? Why does he keep ditching us?
Waldo's running from us. We've done something horrible to Waldo. He smiles, but look at the fucking corners of his mouth! That's a fake smile, drugs! He's trying to placate us! He doesn't want to make us angry!
What the fuck did we do to Waldo?
What Time Is It?
Ten to three!? Drugs, you stupid motherfucker! They're going to be home any minute!
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.
Shit.
Hide Hide Hide Hide Hide
You gotta go you gotta go you gotta go FORGET WALDO HE'S DEAD TO US NOW. YOU GOTTA GO.
A KNIFE AND FORK WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING
HEEEEEEEEEEEEY KIDS! Good day at school? Stop hitting your sister. Stop it. Stop it.
Don't put your juice there.
Clean that up.
Stop hitting your sister with the juice.
Juice is not a weapon!
EVERYONE STOP MURDERING EACH OTHER AND PLAY IN THE YARD FOR JUST ONE GODDAMNED MINUTE.
I'm Sorry I Yelled At You, Drugs
That was unfair.
So. Just to tie this all up in a bow: Don't tell my kids what we do here. Just ... just stay the fuck away from them in general, in fact. Don't use juice as a weapon. And, finally, we've got to find out what the fuck we did to Waldo. We've got to make that right.
I'm glad we had this talk.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and urges everyone, children and adults alike, to stay in school. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more of Bucholz's essential guides to life, check out So A Primitive Tribe Thinks You're A God and So You're In A Fight To The Death In A Hall Of Mirrors.
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