How to Talk to Women (According to the Internet)

When readers send me questions for my column, probably the most common query is "You've never solicited questions from us and you don't post your email address so we couldn't possibly be asking you anything." The second most common is "Dan, I'm a shy, awkward (but all around nice) guy, but I'm TERRIBLE at picking up chicks. How does one talk to women?" That's a great question, All of You, and you've come to the right place. I don't want to toot my own massive genitals or anything, but I'm somewhere between an expert and a space doctor when it comes to Talking at Women.

Despite my considerable communicative superiority, I'm not too eager to share my lady-barking-related secrets with the world. My methods are my methods, they work because they're special, because they're uniquely catered to me and because I have lots of money. Still, I didn't want to leave readers' questions unanswered, so I decided to turn to the Internet, believing that enough deep-Googling should yield some thoughtful answers. Because no matter how bizarre, or pointless your needs are, the bottom line is you can find anything on the Internet. Anything. Yo. Anything.

So, here's what the Internet taught me about Talking At Women.

Preliminary Observations

I consulted a lot of online How To guides in my quest for knowledge, and while they varied on a few details, the important thing upon which every site seemed to agree is this: Women are not like men or, indeed, any creature you've ever encountered. You need to learn a very specific way to talk to and handle a woman, it is a process. Don't treat them like you'd want to be treated, because they are mythical, mysterious biological abnormalities. Men feel anxiety around women, because they're so strange and foreign, which Seduction-Chronicles assures us is completely normal. You have every right to be scared.

SC reminds us that not every woman will be interesting in engaging in conversation with you for a variety of reasons.

There is nothing you can do about this, it's just how life goes.

If you DO get a woman to take notice of you (great job!), make sure you are always entertaining her. Bullz-eye tells us that a woman may get distracted and leave you for another man immediately if you're not "constantly increasing her attraction for you." Conclusion: Women are like video games that get difficult with time and are incapable of leading a conversation.

Talking At Women

So you've approached your target and you haven't exceeded a four on the scale of creepiness (or else she would have alerted the authorities), and now you need something to say. We turn again to Seduction Chronicles for advice:

Plan your conversations in advance, people, it's, somewhat paradoxically, the only way to keep them from being stale. If you're boring, a woman will scamper off or perhaps wander into traffic.

Conclusion: Conversations aren't about give-and-take, and they're not about responding to what the woman is saying. Conversations are minefields. You wouldn't go into a minefield without a map and with your dick in your hand, right? Similarly, enter a conversation with a clear strategy and follow it no matter what. (Also don't have your dick in your hand.) Sometimes it helps to make a literal map, where you can follow the path of your ideal conversation (in black) and isolate certain problem areas (in red) that you know you want to avoid.

Bonus Fact: Incidentally, while a quick Google search of "How to Talk to Women" leads to page after page of guides designed to talk women into having sex with you with no variation, a similar search of "How to Talk to Men" leads to results that mostly center around talking to men in a way that makes them actually listen to you. It's a top search result because so many people are desperate to get a man to pay attention.

Not sure if that's relevant in any way, but neat, huh?

Topics of Conversation

What you talk about (music, movies, politics), can be just as important as how you talk (with racial sensitivity and without drooling, ideally).

Modern Man utilizes the "talk from your own perspective" technique, where instead of asking questions, you just tell interesting stories about yourself.

Conclusion: Talk about yourself incessantly? Pretend that "loving" something means you only do it twice? Eat too much ice cream? I don't know, this one's stupid.

Seduction Chronicles offers an alternate plan of attack. While they maintain that you must always have a plan, they do admit that there's a little room for ad libbing to keep a conversation fresh:

"Oh, you work at the bank? That's cool. I was just thinking about how all women are liars."

"Drinking a margarita, huh? Typical women. But, hey, that's what happens when your brains are too small to appreciate whiskey, am I right? So what did you say your major was?"

"Oh, you beach girls. You know what I hear (wait two seconds) SKIN CANCER."

Cocky and Funny

It is a fact of nature that if you can make a woman laugh and you're not a total coward you can get laid with alarming regularity. A full head of hair, good hygiene, functioning legs; none of these matter if you're funny enough. Bill Murray could start growing a baby out of his face and he'd still never sleep alone if he didn't want to.

Every website picked up on the fairly obvious fact that humor and confidence are important, which isn't all that remarkable. It is odd, however, that they all specifically used the words "Cocky and Funny." The first time I read it, it didn't really register as weird, because those are two useful adjectives.

"Be funny and cocky," that's sound advice. But then I saw the same phrase a few more times. No variation. None of the guides were saying "be confident" or "be hilarious" or "be slightly arrogant but with a good sense of humor." It was all "Cocky and funny," and a lot of guides used the words "the cocky and funny technique" as if that was a common phrase.

I mean, hell, Google it.

Am I the only one who thinks this is weird that all of these different sites reference this "technique"? I know both of those words make sense, but since when did they become, like, a "thing"? Charming and handsome are also qualities that a woman will find attractive, but no one is tossing around the "Charming and Handsome" method.

Also, isn't it sort of presumptuous to call it a "technique"? The meanings of the words haven't changed for the technique, or anything, "funny" still means "funny." It's like someone's trying to patent a definition, like "The key to being successful with women is being a likable human being, or what I like to call, the 'Being a Likable Human Being Approach.' Try these state-of-the-art methods, I think you'll really be surprised."

At any rate, Cocky and Funny, or, "Cock-Fun," is what a lot of the more experienced Pick-Up Artists regularly engage in and is almost always effective.

Conclusion: Cocky and Funny are the only two qualities a woman responds to. Whether you're looking for some casual sex OR someone who will immediately daydream about introducing you to her parents upon first meeting you, Cock-Fun will get you there.

Conclusion Conclusion

So what did we learn from all of this? Mostly that women are not to be treated like people, they're to be treated like a code that can be cracked, a trick that can be learned or a piece of machinery that can be mastered, which is why there are so many manuals. Never assume that the rules of approaching and talking to a friend or relative also apply to the rules of approaching a woman. They don't. They're like aliens, and it's up to you to learn all of their tricks. They are fickle, confusing beasts with difficult, intimidating and sometimes, yes, scary genitalia. The vagina is like a Rubik's Cube, except you can't peel all the stickers off and cheat to win. (Unless- Ladies, is that- Would you be into that? In the your-vagina-is-a-Rubik's-Cube simile does sticker-rearranging correspond to something pleasurable?)

Conclusion: Seriously would you be into that?