Hannah Montana Should Date the Cracked Readers
Given my recent campaign against serial abortionist/poorly-disguised Snake Monster Hannah Montana, I've been getting a whole lot of letters. Not just from Hannah's managers and lawyers and the FBI demanding that I stop harassing her, but from you, the Cracked readers and writers. Gladstone, for example, sent along this helpful article wherein Hannah is described as a juggernaut for her trampling of U2, the Super Bowl and the movie theater industry at large. In this article, sent by JoJo, Hannah Montana claims that she will not turn out to be the next Britney Spears but, suspiciously, she doesn't say anything about not turning out to be the next Pol Pot. Eric 616 sent along this uncomfortable article including scandalous photos that may or may not be of the 15 year old, totally-illegal-and-as-a-result-totally-hideous Hannah Montana, scantily clad and covered in some of that middle-school-dance-sweat we all remember. Also, someone sent a package to the Cracked House that just contained a lock of Cyrus's hair and what I think was one of her toenails. While I appreciate your dedication and resourcefulness, whoever you are, (let's face it: Swaim), I can't in good conscience condone this sort of behavior.
Finally, I received an article in an email from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. The article, a continuation on the "Miley Cyrus is Lonely and Reptilian" piece from last week's
"Hannah Montana dug up your grandpa’s corpse and took a shit on it." -Neil
"Hannah Montana’s unborn children, if laid end to end, should be able to circle the globe, but they do not because their mother’s scorn causes them to line up in an efficient double-helix configuration. This fetus-sized DNA is the blueprint for the anti-christ." -Glenn
"Hannah Montana made Dan O’Brien not feature one of my Hannah Montanisms this week." -Gladstone. True story.-D.O.B.
"Hannah Montana invented Hannah Montana." -mantelli That's just fuckin' deep, right there.-D.O.B.
"Hanna Montana is sending you a Cease & Desist letter." -Jester21 Sent, received, and shredded.-D.O.B.
I'd really like to keep this going so, perhaps to shake things up a bit, instead of posting Mabisms in the comments below, post a few reasons why you, the Cracked Commenters, should be Hannah Montana's new boyfriend. If it is at all within my power, I will make sure these posts are brought to Hannah Montana's attention. So, Highlight some of your good qualities. I, for example, can cook, am adequate at racquetball, and probably won't blindfold you and drop you off in a forest on our second date. How about you? One of us is going to be dating Hannah Montana by the end of the year. And then we'll be ready for Phase 2...
