5 Ancient Gods Whose Genitals Should Have Their Own Movie
Mythological characters are to the old world what superheroes are to us today -- big archetypes who could do anything and everything better and more spectacularly than a normal, boring ol' human could. That includes all genital-related activities. You might think it's impressive that, with a simple flick of the hips, you can turn your penis into a propeller, but that doesn't come even remotely close to the impressive (and sometimes horrible) feats mythological characters were able to perform with their junk.
Their genitals weren't like ours. Theirs were special. Theirs were magic. Theirs were better than our mere mortal junk will ever be. For example, if you want to know what a real propeller penis was like, look no further than ...
Kokopelli, Who Had A Detachable Dick That Could Impregnate Women
When we talk about fertility gods, a certain degree of sexual absurdity is expected. So, it shouldn't be too surprising to find out that, according to legend, a hunchbacked fertility god revered by Native American tribes in the Southwestern U.S. named Kokopelli was said to play a flute, the sound of which would carry on a spring breeze and float through the air, passing through villages as it went. The villagers would revel in the merriment of Kokopelli's flute all throughout the night. The next morning, every woman would wake up pregnant, and Kokopelli would dodge child support payments for eternity.
That's just a fun-sized sample of Kokopelli's sexual antics. The main course is his detachable, pussy-seeking rocket cock. Some tribes believed that Kokopelli could detach his penis from his body, perhaps with a single, satisfying pop ...
And then, he would toss it into a river. His penis would then swim downstream until it came upon a group of fertile young women bathing in the waters, where it would give them a proper impregnating. The myth never clarifies if his balls were detached along with the shaft, but if he's impregnating the women, they would have to, right? The only alternative is that his penis had a smaller, secondary reserve of semen specifically for these unmanned missions -- just enough semen for a quick supply drop and then back to home base.
An autonomous swimming penis must be a beast to wield, which probably explains why Kokopelli is commonly depicted as dancing while playing a flute that is almost always pointed directly at his penis.
"Sleepy, my pet. Sleeeeeeeeeep.".
He's charming the beast into submission with mellifluous cock music to prevent overpopulation. It's kinda weird, but it's for your own good.
Kapo Has A Detachable, Rape-Preventing Vagina
As it is in real life, a mythological woman can do everything a mythological man can do, if not better. Case in point: Kapo, the Hawaiian goddess of fertility (among other things) also has detachable genitalia. In this case, a flying vagina that she can snap off and fling around like a ninja star.
Before I get into her flying vagina, I first have to copy and paste something directly from Wikipedia. Kapo has a nemesis, and his name is Kamapua'a. This is the first line of his Wikipedia entry:
"In Hawaiian mythology, Kamapua'a ("hog child") is a hog-man fertility superhuman ... "
Most of us will never have a Wikipedia page, let alone one that starts off as majestically as that.
Sadly, it all plunges horrifically downhill from there: Like most mythological men, Kamapua'a is pretty dope until you find out he's a disgusting rapist, like the time he tried to rape his on-again, off-again lover Pele. Pele's sister, Kapo, wasn't going to stand for that shit. So, she peeled off her vagina, which probably sounded like this ...
... and she set it loose into the skies. Kapo was correct that Kamapua'a would get distracted by a flying vagina -- you don't often see that. He followed it until he and Pele were separated by miles. The vagina eventually slammed into a hill. And here's the crazy part: That ridiculous vagina-flinging tale is the mythological origin story for a real-life crater on the eastern coast of Oahu. If an inquisitive little Hawaiian kid wants to know more about local geography, that nerd is going to get a face full of flying vagina. Even our boring-ass mythology books aren't safe anymore!
The legend, apparently, also says this: "When the Hawaiians dream of a woman without a vagina, it is Kapo." That should clear some things up for the some of you Hawaiians out there. And you thought it was your mom ...
That Time A Goat And Loki's Balls Saved The Day
As the story goes, the Norse gods were about to crack open some Buds and celebrate another successful slaying of a giant, when the giant's daughter busted in and was all, "My big-ass dad will be avenged!" The gods, already in party mode and refusing to leave it, offered a compromise: reparations, in three parts.
Part 1: Odin will rip out her eyes and make them stars. She never once thought about how she was going to see the stars to make sure he wasn't bullshitting, but whatever -- she accepted.
Part 3: The big-ass daughter can choose a god to marry, based only on the sight of their legs. So, if Fjert, Norse god of flatulence, has lean athletic legs but, from the knee up, is pig shit -- too bad. She's stuck with mister pig-shit fart man.
"Disappointing, I know. It's just that he never misses leg day."
Part 2 is where Loki comes in. The big-ass daughter is feeling a bit blue, because everyone in this room just killed her dad like five minutes ago. After getting her eyes ripped out, but before she has to randomly select a husband based on shin attractiveness, the gods offer to ease the pain by promising that they will make her laugh. She accepts (again, an idiot), and Loki steps up to bat.
This is Loki's big moment. Make her laugh, or harsh the party's vibe. Thankfully, Loki's got a bit he's been working on at his Upright Citizens Brigade improv class that he knows is gonna kill. He drops his pants and ties one end of a rope to his balls and the other end to a goat.
What would Tom Hiddleston say if he knew I just made a lot of you think about his balls right now?
Loki and the goat start yanking at each other, everyone screaming in pain, engaged in a game of tug-of-war that pitted goat versus the gonads of a god. Finally, the goat is defeated, and Loki stumbles backward into the big-ass daughter's lap. She laughs, just a little bit. Victory!
She then married Njord, Norse mythology's version of Aquaman, hoping the legs she chose would be of Baldur, voted Norse mythology's Sexiest Man Alive 5 millennia in a row by People magazine. They were divorced nine days later, citing irreconcilable differences.
What began as a peace offering to prevent more meaningless death ended in a failed marriage, and, in between, a man got his balls tugged by a goat. I think I just spoiled the ending of the next The Avengers movie.
Hine-nui-te-po Crushed A Man With Her Vagina
The life of Hine-nui-te-po, Maori mythology's ruler of the underworld and goddess of death, was filled with the usual melodramatic mythological plot points. Mostly incest. But, her true claim to fame was her stupidly easy defeat of Maori mythology's version of an archetypal Hercules-like hero, Maui.
Think of Maui as the charming and well-meaning, but ultimately stupid, good guy. The things he does happen only to convince you he's a powerful, hunky hero.
Maui slowed down the sun using only a jawbone so people would have enough time in the day to get their work done!
Maui stole fire from a god!
Maui yanked an island from the depths of the ocean!
He's prime van mural material.
Maui needed a new adventure, so he decided to make his next the most grand yet: He was going to tear immortality away from Hine-nui-te-po and give it to humanity.
Maui's father flat-out told him, "Hey, don't you dare fight Hine-nui-te-po. She will wRRRReck you." To which he said, "Pfft! Yeah, sure. You do realize I beat up the sun, right? God! You never support me, dad!"
Maui ran off to beat up death. Some fans of his who were also birds followed him all the way there, a moment I'm positive was meant to be exactly this:
His plan was to transform into a worm, enter Hine-nui-te-po's vagina, and exit through her mouth. And then, I guess, scoop up some immortality near her uvula or something. Look, he wasn't good with plans, OK? But, at least he was smart enough to know that his plan at least looked stupid -- so stupid that he told his bird friends not to laugh as he entered a goddess's vagina disguised as a worm.
He entered. They laughed.
The laughter woke Hine-nui-te-po from her slumber. Groggy, she saw a worm trying to get all up in her, and promptly slammed her legs shut, crushing Maui with her vagina lined with obsidian teeth.
The greatest hero in Maori mythology was killed by a Kegel exercise.
Drukpa Kunley Could Beat Up Demons With His Penis
If you've ever been to Bhutan and noticed a large, erect penis looking down on you with a condescending stare from above a doorway, you can thank Drukpa Kunley, a real-life Buddhist monk who lived from 1455-1570. He was so good at sex that he and his penis have become legend and are still revered to this day.
Before I get too deep into Drukpa Kunley's crazy penis, you must first understand the man's philosophy. He believed that his penis could fuck the ego out of you and fuck enlightenment into you. That's a solid pick-up line. His penis was so amazing that its actual nickname is The Flaming Thunderbolt Of Wisdom. A lot of men give their penises nicknames. But, none of them make their penis sound like it has a story to tell quite like The Flaming Thunderbolt Of Wisdom.
One of those tales was about a town overrun with demons ... and the only penis that could stop them. Drukpa Kunley immediately noticed something foul was afoot when he moseyed into town. So, he whipped out his dick and got to work solving supernatural crimes. As he tried to find a meal in the home of one of town's few remaining survivors, a demon came knocking on the door. Drukpa Kunley rammed his dick through the keyhole and into the demon's mouth, knocking out its teeth. The demon was rightfully like, "Th fuu wa tha?!" and fled to a cave. In the cave was a meditating nun. The demon told her how his teeth were cocked out of his mouth. The nun was like, "Oh, yeah. Believe me -- I know" and showed the demon the putrid wound Drukpa Kunley's heroic penis left on her during their last encounter. The demon asked, "Th fuu do ahh do?" The nun said, "Bitch, apologize to him!"
He did. And then Drukpa Kunley laid his dick on the demon's forehead. And then, the demon became a god.
Is it even worth it at that point? How are you supposed to talk to other gods about how you got the job?
In summation: Drukpa Kunley dick-slapped a demon so hard that the demon apologized to him, and then used that dick to give the demon a promotion.
Luis is thinking about upgrading his penis to one of those cool new detachable, pussy-seeking rocket cocks. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.
When it comes to sexual depravity, pussy-seeking-rocket-cocks are just the tip of the ... uh, you get the idea. Check out The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes From Important Cultural Myths and read The 7 Most Sexually Deviant Creatures In Folklore to learn about the Liderc, who'll disguise herself as a dead relative before banging. Gross!
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