A Quick Guide To The Hilarious Language Of The Alt-Right

Hi friend! It appears you left a comment on someone's YouTube/Twitter/Reddit page, and in the friendly discourse that followed, you were called some combination of the words "beta" and "cuck." Now, you're pretty sure that you've been insulted, but for the life of you, you have no idea why.

Or maybe no one has come out and called you a beta cuck to your online face, but you've noticed that the words are popping up all over message boards and websites like fetid, vaguely insulting mushrooms.

You aren't the only one baffled by the hottest new insults this side of "Fedora Man." In the interest of education, we invite you to grab a drink, relax, and take a second to go over our handy "beta cuck" FAQ. Not only will it take a mere moment, but this guide will also give you the power of not giving two slivers of shit about the insults that will be bandied about in the comment section of this very article.

What The Hell Does "Beta" Mean?

The concept of an "alpha" and "beta" is based on a study of male wolves which theorized a pecking order to each pack. In the mid-2000s, the terminology was popularized by professional pickup artists teaching insecure men (or "betas") how to lay women using a series of transparent tricks and manipulation techniques. In other words, it was a way to justify being an asshole by believing it was within your nature to be dominant.

But what this group didn't realize is that when observed in the wild, there was actually no evidence of an "alpha" or "beta" leader in wolves -- simply a family structure like our own. The original study has since been deemed flawed because it was observing male wolves that were forced to socialize in captivity. In other words, this entire philosophy of masculinity is hilariously based off of wolf prison rules.

What The Hell Does "Cuck" Mean?

Cuck stands for "cuckold," which is defined as the husband of an adulterous wife. Often, it is a sexual fetish involving men who get off on watching their girlfriends/wives with other men, with their consent. Meaning that calling someone a "cuckold" is basically accusing them of enjoying sex in a very specific, totally legal, and perfectly fine way.

Combined with "beta," you're essentially calling someone a wolf "prison bitch" with an eccentric fetish.

So Wait ... Why Are These Insults?

Because the people using these phrases think that the worst thing a man can be is sexually or socially submissive in any way. Back in reality, being sexually open and respectful of people -- as well as occasionally compromising -- is how normal men function in a working society.

Should I Feel Bad For Not Knowing This?

No. These phrases are part of coded language for a fringe group of people now bleeding into the mainstream -- mostly members of the alt-right movement repurposing the terms as an insult toward moderate Republicans.

But because they are so far removed from normal human thought, it's nearly impossible for an average person to feel instinctively insulted by hearing the phrase. This is why the alt-right has less political influence than a wet tissue. Their language is so exclusive and ineffective that it's basically meaningless to the general public.

So Wait ... Do I Even Have To Care, Then?

Not even a little bit.

These people have established a fake reality based on personal shame and misinformation about masculinity, and are insulting you based on the rules of that tragic little world. To put it in perspective, imagine if someone angrily called you a "twiganus," and then explained that it's a fantasy creature they made up which enjoys taking showers. The fact that they think that's an insult says way worse things about them than you.

Have a good day.

David lives in your heart and on Twitter.

Want to know how to go mano-a-mano with a president? Daniel O'Brien can help with How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country!