9 Supposed Action Stars Who Clearly Couldn't Fight

9 David Carradine

Despite attacking with the fury of a beginner tango class, Carradine was typecast as a martial artist and went on to film hundreds of clumsy slow motion kung fu battles. He fought Chuck Norris, James Remar, Rick Springfield, Al Leong ... he even had his own cardio karate workout video where you could stand and breathe your way to Shaolin fitness.

He eventually learned how to perform martial arts, but never managed to make it look like they'd hurt. The only thing slower than a David Carradine karate chop was the editing process for one of his fight scenes. If you didn't use eight camera cuts and a perfectly wigged stuntman for every attack, his battles looked like Tom Petty politely trading business cards with someone. It took David Carradine longer than a minute to throw a kick and, in what would be his undoing, longer than one masturbation session to get his neck out of a belt. It got to the point where the editors of Kung Fu seemed to be using the slow motion effect just to make fun of him. Take a look at the absurdly unnecessary use of slow motion in this scene and tell me I'm wrong:

8 David Heavener

Heavener is a living Tim and Eric sketch, and his fight scenes are violent mockeries of violence. It's often hard to tell if Heavener is trying to punch someone in the face or knock the boom mic above their heads out of frame. He makes battles against enemy ninjas look less exciting than battles against tile mildew. His co-stars have no idea how to react to him, since they can't tell when he's throwing an actual kick or just adjusting his pantyhose against their ribs. Luckily, he makes up for it with his incredible parkour. Prepare yourself as best you can for Outlaw Force:

7 Fred Williamson

There are several reasons for these bad action sequences. First of all, he had to hold back so much to not kill his co-stars. If he wanted, Fred Williamson could kick your ass so hard that nine months after you die, your wife would give birth to his foot. Full-powered Fred Williamson attacks are the second ingredient in Taco Bell ground beef.

The other reason Fred's fight scenes suffered is that it takes a lot of Hollywood magic to get martial arts to look right on film. It's a collaborative effort between the choreographer, stuntmen, cinematographer and editor. Most of Fred Williamson's movies were made in Italy by his own production company, and his movies had budgets smaller than a family in a D.L. Hughley punchline. Fred Williamson can make a movie with 75 cents and a dirty look. The only drawbacks are that most of the extras are pedestrians gaping into the camera, a few of the main characters are Italian security guards asking everyone to leave, and if you ever see anything explode, that probably wasn't on purpose.

Still, anyone can admire the frugality in this scene from Black Cobra 3. Both the soundtrack and the dialogue were legally too stupid to pay for, and Fred massacres a gang in a grocery store while destroying only one candle, one package of cookies and one roll of toilet paper. If Fred Williamson made John Carter, it would have been called Spaceman Brown: Chocolate Motherfucker, and it would have turned a $250 million profit.

6 Lynda Carter

5 Eric Roberts

Eric Roberts has a reputation for changing choreography to suit his limited arsenal of attacks, which may explain why his character in Best of the Best, the captain of the American taekwondo team, uses only female rape-prevention techniques. In Dead or Alive, a stunt man stands in for so many of his moves that his face is like a special guest star that only shows up at the beginning and end of his fights.

4 Cuneyt Arkin

Really take in the vision that is Cuneyt Arkin. Does a man that handsome look like he could harm someone? His hands and feet were put on this Earth not to hurt us but to pull us closer for his moist kiss. This becomes very clear once you start watching him fight. He is so gentle to his co-stars that most of his films are sold as erotic massage videos. By the time you finish a Turkish action movie, you'll have seen Cuneyt Arkin delicately finger at least one ninja to orgasm. And there's no way to fix things like that in post. Turkish film editing is an imprecise process that involves placing the original camera negative under wizards while they sleep and hoping they dream about good harvests.

A lot of kung fu films use wire effects to make it look like the performers can fly or jump high. In Turkey, they have a much radder process. They push all their trampolines together, point the camera up and go fucking crazy. They trampoline around in every movie regardless of its relevance. Courtroom dramas, romantic comedies, bathroom security camera footage ... it's not even legal to film a wedding in Turkey unless the bride is doing a front flip. Seriously, clear your schedule for six minutes and watch this scene from Death Warrior:

3 Pam Grier

2 Rudy Ray Moore

The best thing about Rudy Ray Moore movies is that it's never clear when he knows he's being awesome. He's hilarious when he's being funny, maybe even more hilarious when he's being tough, and the line between those two states is constantly blurred. I'll show you what I mean. Here's a scene from the first Dolemite, and I think you'll agree with me that every line, punch and kick is delivered in both the funniest and most badass way possible:

When he made the sequel, Dolemite 2: The Human Tornado, he made a full-on kung fu feature despite never having taken a single kung fu class. He had a theory that there were only three elements to every kung fu fight: waving your hands around, pressing fast forward and replacing all the audio with zoo animal sounds. He wasn't right, but holy shit, maybe he was:

1 William Shatner

For more on what you've read here, try 6 Hilarious Special Effects from Turkish Cinema or The 10 Worst MMA Fights of All Time.