8 Album Covers That White People Could Never Pull Off
Mankind has always been fascinated by two things: cultural differences, and butts. This week I'm going to study each of these things by examining the least white album covers of all time.
Now, as a white, I obviously can't tell what makes one thing blacker than another. All knowledge I gain on the subject becomes unusable as quickly as I learn it. Particle physicists call this phenomenon the "observer principle." Black particle physicists call it "racist." Luckily, I was still able to take racial measurements from each album cover by creating an entirely new system of data collection. First, I used Photoshop to turn all the people on the album cover white. Lastly, I judged how completely insane that looked. This doesn't always give an accurate reading of how black something is, but it absolutely shows how not white it is. Let's begin.
Top Dog --
I love the title SLAM DUNK'N HOES. It sounds like something Newt Gingrich would guess if you held a gun to his head and told him to name a rap album. The cover is just as fantastic. It's such a literal interpretation of the title that you'd think it was a Pictionary clue. And could they not find a better picture of $TOP DOG$ than this one of him getting his foot caught in the seat belt on his way to church?
I'm not sure why the HOE's face is blurred out. I know it's not because she watched The Ring, because only white people dare ghosts to kill them. And I know it's not to protect her feelings, since a model whose call sheet says "HOE" and who lets local rappers take pictures up her skirt doesn't have any of those. Looking more closely, it might be to cover up her mustache. Haters will really let you have it if they find out all these hoes you've been dunking were actually Italian transvestites.
What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?
When a white person puts a whore through a basketball hoop, it's way less whimsical.
Cameo -- Cameosis
The Catch-22 of looking this good is that it takes such giant balls to wear a lady's bodysuit that you can barely fasten the crotch button on your lady's bodysuit.
What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?
You mean aside from everyone's dick basket being less confrontational? Virtually nothing.
ET -- Best Friends
If I was casting a show where Urkel was an undercover narcotics agent in Miami, it wouldn't look exactly like this. It would look double exactly like this. There is so much style in this picture that it's hard to even approach a description of it. It's what your dying vision would be if Rick James accidentally locked you in his dryer.
That hair is the most daring architectural feat of the 20th century, and I'm required by racial law to think it's real. I may not know a lot about black culture, but here's something I've learned beyond a shadow of any doubt: White people are not allowed to refer to an African-American's hair as a wig, even if you watched her put it on and are the actual person who bought it. So since that's definitely ET's real hair, I am dazzled by the delicate craftsmanship of his stylists. Every time this guy goes out in the rain, it must cost him $27,000.
What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?
I ... shit. I guess it'd look exactly the same.
Tela -- Sho Nuff
White people always come out on the losing end of racial jokes, and this is no exception. Because when white people meet pixies, they make wishes. When black people meet pixies, they drop them in their glass to make their champagne taste like booty.
This is truly the work of lunatics, but I can see the appeal of dating a magically petite woman. When the first responders arrive and ask how the victim was brutally ripped in half, it would be such a perfect moment to stare silently at them and take out your penis.
What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?
Dear God, these findings are amazing. I know I don't have to tell you that playas be shrink-rayin', but I was frankly shocked to discover that if you take any hip-hop album and make everyone white, the result is comic book villains. Let me show you what I'm talking about:
Besides shrinking people, they travel by flying playing card, live in ice palaces, grab Earth in their clutches, train attack panthers, fire lasers from their eyes ... I'm starting to worry that the Legion of Doom actually exists and they're only momentarily distracted by rap careers. As soon as they run out of words that rhyme with thong, we're all going to get turned into Bizarros.
Heatwave -- Boogie Nights
When you see black people dressed like this, the positive energy is overwhelming. You know they're about to put on a fantastic show, or at the very least teach someone to read. On the other hand ...
What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?
When you see white people dressed like this, one of them is about to die on a motorcycle, and the rest are holding a drunk veterinarian at knifepoint until he gives your daughter an abortion.
Rudy Ray Moore --
All of Rudy Ray Moore's album covers are awesome, but this is the only one that isn't half a dozen overweight naked people suspiciously unaware that they're being photographed. I've done the math, and if Dolemite had absolutely no sex life outside the pictures of him boning on his album covers, he'd still qualify as a sex addict. His Filthy Best only looks innocent, though. As any Rudy Ray Moore fan can tell you, that's the face he makes when he realizes the person under him at an orgy dislocated his or her pelvis.
What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?
That would be ridiculous.
Big Bear -- Doin Thangs
Wow, those bears must be really good rappers if they can afford a taxidermied human.
What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?
Strangely enough, it would be both sexier and more terrifying.
Shut Up and Dance -- Dance Before the Police Come!
If you're starting to lose your vision, don't worry. All that means is that your eyes have decided there is nothing left to look at. And I don't even dare speculate what's physically happening to you right now if you're a lady, though I imagine it sounds like ocean waves smashing into a Jell-O cargo ship.
When conceptualizing their album cover, how did Shut Up and Dance come up with the idea of combining ninja weapons with nothing else? They seem way too buff to be 10-year-olds. Maybe they knew that screaming "Dance before the police come!" only works if your listener's other option is dying on the end of your butterfly swords. I'm truly pissed off that my mortal flesh wasn't seared off when I looked upon this majesty.
What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?
It'd be a little different, but no less glorious.
For more of his demented comic rewrites, see The 10 Most Butt References Per Second in Music History or 4 Great Sex Advice Guides for People Who Hate Sex.
