7 Halloween Costumes That Never Look as Cool as You Think
What kind of sick freak doesn't like dressing up for Halloween? I don't care how old you are, it's just flat-out fun to shed your normal boring life for a night, tape down your balls and dress up as a slutty French Maid.
But like with anything, there is a way to do costumes wrong. Usually because what you think people see in your costume, and what they're actually seeing, are totally different things.
"Sexy" Anything
Why people do it ...
I'm certainly no stranger to the "sexy" genre of Halloween costumes. Especially considering that last year I underwent $170,000 worth of plastic surgery to transform myself into Christina Hendricks. I'd say I had a good time, but I can't be totally sure of that. I ended up drinking a spiked Pepsi and passed out. When I woke up, it appeared that someone had rubbed a glazed doughnut all over my face and enormous breasts.
Halloween is the one time of year that people are able to let their hair down and just whore it up without being viewed as one. It's accepted, it's all in good fun. It's just a costume.
Why it's a terrible idea ...
We're masturbating to you.
"Hi. Can I buy you all of the remaining alcohol in the state?"
Ladies, after Halloween many, many websites/Facebook pages/Tumblr accounts will feature photo galleries from their costume parties. The most popular galleries will focus on sexy ladies in sexy costumes, like this one and let me make it clear: Those galleries exist so we can masturbate to them.
I'm sorry. Men are terrible. The guys you don't think are terrible are the ones who have become experts at hiding it, and we secretly high-five those guys when you're not looking. But make no mistake, when Shelly shows up in what she thinks is "cute nurse costume that shows some sideboob," the males at the party see one thing: "Shelly's sideboob." The rest of your costume becomes a vague blur.
So be prepared, because at the party you will absolutely get creeped on. Regardless of your intentions when choosing the outfit, when guys see your cleavage, their most dominant thought is going to be, "Out of all the women in this room, that one is the most likely to engage in some genital hunch-fucking." If you're not down with that, that guy -- and probably several guys -- will be jerking off to the memory of your costume later. And the guys doing it will probably still be dressed as a comic book or video game character at the time.
Now, if that was your goal all along, then obviously your outfit has served its purpose. But holy shit, does that make for some awkward conversations along the way. And this is absolutely a female issue -- I don't know if you've noticed this, but 90 percent of guys can't pull off "casual and sexy." So their attempts come off as a nervous joke, and then they try to play along and act like it was a joke all along.
But I'm just going to put this out there right now: All of those guys who have made "jokes" about how they want to have sex with you? They all actually want to have sex with you. It's never a joke, it's testing your reaction to the idea. So when you dressed as a Sexy Police Woman and the guy "jokingly" said, "Hey, Tina, want to give me a strip search! Ha!" he was totally not kidding. He was propositioning you for Halloween Party Bathroom Sex, or at least a Halloween Handjob After She Has Two Pitchers Of Strawberry Daiquiris In Her.
The Politically Charged Costume
Why people do it ...
Ah, the politically-motivated costume. This could be as simple as dressing up as a president (or as one of the surfer bank robbers from Point Break), or as complicated as creating a costume intended to make some kind of political statement (say, as a redneck Tea Partier with an intentionally misspelled anti-Obama T-shirt).
Why it's a terrible idea ...
Do you realize your costume is going to get people talking politics? Is that what you had in mind? What kind of an asshole wants to spend the entire Halloween party talking about abortion and the fucking national debt? Especially today, when every minor, insignificant thing said about any political party at all is instantly blown out of proportion and everybody starts trying to remember talking points from whatever political blog they read that morning.
And don't think you'll be getting away with not talking politics -- you're fucking dressed as Obama with a diaper that says "HEALTH CARE" on it. Hell, just walking into the party as a recognizable figure (if you're lucky or skilled enough to even pull that off), you've already started the debate. You are a living political cartoon, and the entire room is filled with drunken commentators. You will goddamn well hear their opinions whether you like it or not.
You can say, "Sure, but I'll just avoid the political assholes and talk to the level-headed types." Yeah, but they won't talk to you. They came to have fun and get drunk. You came dressed as George Bush, drinking from a cup that reads, "OIL." They will avoid you like the fucking plague.
Unrecognizable Movie Characters
Why people do it ...
It's one thing to dress as Austin Powers or Captain America because their costumes make them instantly recognizable. But it's something entirely different to go as a pre Two Face Harvey Dent or Jeff Goldblum's character from Independence Day.
I can see why people would want to do it. It's more original, hardcore fans of the movie or show will love it, and if you look anything like the actor to begin with, your costume is already half made. You just have to find their signature outfits from the movies, and you're good to go.
"I'm one of the customers from the cafe scene in Pulp Fiction."
Why it's a terrible idea ...
Very few people at the party are hardcore fans of that particular movie or TV show. And to all of them, you're going to have to explain your costume. Over, and over, and over. When the pics get posted the next day? Get ready to explain it to all of your co-workers, and family. Over, and over, and over.
This is a good object lesson. That's the blog of a woman who is into fashion. For Halloween, she decided to be Ellen Page's character from Inception. So she used her fashion knowledge to painstakingly track down each individual piece of the character's outfit. She worked really hard on it. She was clever. What she put together is a pretty goddamn good match for the one found in the movie.
Know what? She should just do that anyway.
The Badass
Why people do it ...
Let's face it, every guy's fantasy is to be a badass. Especially nerds who spend all year weeping into their weak, helpless hands because they're too shy to stand up to people who shit on them. It's why so many online video games are filled with human festering yeast infections. It's the place where they can unleash their dark side without fear of physical retribution.
So when Halloween rolls around, it's only natural to whip out the face paint and become the supervillain or vigilante you've always wished you could be. In my day, it was The Crow. Since 2008, you'll find at least four Heath Ledger Jokers at every gathering ... even ones in July that aren't actually costume parties.
Why it's a terrible idea ...
There aren't that many recognizable badasses. So if you care about originality at all, you're fucked.
It's not going to just be a case of one other person in the same outfit. You can just about guarantee that 20 percent of the attendees will have the same idea as you. Because on the whole, the average person isn't that creative. They saw the same blockbuster movie you saw, they were enraptured by the same super cool character in the cool costume.
And now, you're just one of the crowd. Again. On the one day that you're allowed to be a standout badass, you have once again been reduced to just another average face in a sea of intentionally sloppy clown makeup and green hair.
And on the off chance that some slutty nurse decides to bone a supervillain, you could find the fate of your erection decided in a game of "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe." Though I guess depending on your level of nerdiness and social disconnect, that may actually be an improvement over your normal odds.
Cross Dressing
Why people do it ...
As simple and juvenile as it is, it's still funny to see a big ol' hairy dude in a dress and full makeup. Blond wig spilling down his furry shoulders. A stuffed bra pushing out from his chest. Especially if you know the guy.
It's a chance to let people know that you don't take yourself too seriously. Also, you're so secure in your masculinity that you can poke fun at it. After all, it's the sheer contrast between the frilly dress and your "real" tough-as-bull's-nuts lumberjack personae that makes the joke work.
Wait, that's a MAN? I couldn't tell at all!
Why it's a terrible idea ...
This depends on your circle of friends. But there are certain guys who are just deeply, deeply weirded out by the sight of a dude in a dress and they will not let it go. Obviously, lots of people at the party will make jokes about your costume. That's the idea. But then there are these guys, the ones who just don't know when to let it die. They will constantly grab your comically oversized tits, even as you try to balance the next round of beers on the way back to your table. Depending on the alcohol level and depravity of your friends, you'll be fake dry-humped until your ass throbs in an area the exact shape and size of a dick. But it won't stop there.
For the next couple of weeks at work, you'll be asked if you could put on a bra because you're distracting the other workers. They'll ask if you remembered to shave your legs. And the four most common words used in association with your name will be "purse," "tampon," "panties," and "vibrator." For probably the first time in your life, you'll have to weigh the options of life without parole versus waiting for it to just fade away. Until next Halloween when they remember and start the whole thing over again.
Animal Costumes
Why people do it ...
What girl hasn't at least considered dressing up as an adorable kitten? It's cheap as hell -- the ears cost like a buck, and the rest is just a black body suit with a makeshift belt/tail combo. The face makeup isn't complicated to apply. I, uh... assume.
Yeah, you're always going to have a couple of women show up as cats, but the ones I've met just pretend they're from the same litter and give lots of "awwwwws" and compliment each others' creative use of mascara and eyeliner to draw on the whiskers. If they're strangers, the cat costume just made them new friends for at least that night.
Well, at least until they start competing on blowljob prices.
Why it's a terrible idea ...
Furries.
That is, animal suit fetishists who will be masturbating to your costume.
Even ten years ago, the kitten costume would have gone mostly unnoticed in a room full of drunken Severus Snapes, Shreks, and Legolases. But the internet ruined all of that when we invented furries, followed by the volcanic rage we feel when we see them.
Halloween is the one day of the year that furries can be themselves and slip into a crowd, virtually unnoticed. Mingling with innocent, unsuspecting people who would under normal circumstances bathe them in white hot, molten ridicule until they wept bile.
As for the non-animal costume wearers, when we see the standard, cookie-cutter kitten at a party, we have to stop and make sure we haven't been tricked into accidentally befriending one of their kind. At least one male at the party will be thinking, "The person most likely to engage in some genital hunch-fucking is that 'sexy cat' with the giant cleavage. But do I want to risk hitting on and possibly having sex with an actual furry? I am in such a boner dilemma right now. And it's making my panties ride up my crack."
The Ironic Non-Costume
Why people do it ...
You know these. A plain t-shirt that just says "COSTUME" on the front. A guy named Frank wearing a name tag that says "Raoul," placed on his normal outfit. A guy in his pajamas, claiming it's "me when I first wake up."
You'll find at least one at every Halloween party in existence. Why not? They're fun. Cheap. Easy to put on. You're able to technically say you put on a costume so you don't look like a killjoy. And when the night is over, there's no makeup to remove or complicated outfit to disassemble. People dressed as slutty Transformers know what I'm talking about.
Why it's a terrible idea ...
You're doing it for two reasons. First, you're legitimately trying to be witty and funny. The problem is that Halloween costumes are a terrible humor medium. Ninety-nine percent of "funny" costumes at best produce a forced courtesy laugh when you tell people what you're supposed to be. It's a joke that lasts about five seconds, but that you'll be wearing all night. And then will live on in however many Facebook albums you show up in. So you'll be explaining your joke costume, over and over again, for that same courtesy laugh, forever.
The second reason is that you just plain don't give a shit about dressing up, and you did the least amount of work possible just to say that you wore something to a costume party, just to get people off of your back. Because you're the kind of person who, above all, hates the idea of conforming to someone else's idea of fun.
To the rest of the partygoers who did show up in costume, that makes you a douchebag because it now looks like you just showed up for the free booze and/or food. The party meant so little to you that you weren't even willing to put ten minutes worth of effort into humoring the host or other guests. You might as well have showed up with an empty cooler an hour early, loaded up what you could eat and drink, and went back home with the loot.
It would have been much funnier and appreciated if you had taken the time to build a giant middle finger costume and told everyone to go fuck themselves the whole night. Which now that I think about it, I believe I now have my costume this year.
And be sure to check out Cracked's Page of Horror for more of John's musings on costumes.
