7 Costumes You Think Are Clever (That Really, Really Aren't)
Halloween costumes are tough -- don't let any of those handsome people who can pull off the front half of a horse costume tell you differently. It's difficult enough finding regular clothes which make you look good, interesting, and worthy of bestowing candy upon. Doing all that with a plastic mask and a $23 budget only makes it tougher. Still, there's no excusing some things. Every year, a handful of people get it in their heads that they're clever, that this time they've got it figured out. They'll wear a cool topical costume -- something everyone's talking about! People will give them all the accolades and candy.
They're wrong, of course -- almost always. Also usually offensive. Here then, for your judging pleasure, are the most topically wrong costumes of 2016, and a deep, completely accurate psychological analysis of the kind of imbeciles who will be wearing them.
Ken Bone
We are not a mature people, us humans. Which is why, during the second presidential debate, when a gentleman named Ken Bone stood up and asked a question, humanity as a whole said, "Hey, that's kind of a dumb name. Let's talk about it incessantly for a few days."
You are not a man. You are a plaything, to be consumed.
And so we did. For a short period a few weeks ago, everyone loved Ken Bone. It was inevitable that this costume would show up within days:
"My question is: Can anything be made sexy, and if so, is it right to do so?"
Later we found out he wasn't entirely the shining hero we'd hoped and dreamed. The backlash was probably a little overblown, because that's just our way, and now no one likes him much any more. Life's weird. Best of luck, Ken.
But that brings us back to the costume -- in either its sexy or voluminous regular red-sweatered forms. In particular ...
Who Would Wear This?
Someone who doesn't know we don't like Ken Bone any more, probably. Also, someone with a red sweater they never get to use.
Outside of Christmas or a murder, your social options are kind of limited for a garment like this.
More generally, as is the case with most topical costumes, it will be someone with a disproportionate understanding of their own cleverness. It will be a dude who is tolerated at best. Someone with friends, but not good ones. Someone who will never know true love, but also never quite understand why.
They might be sexy, though. They'll always have that.
Robbed Kim Kardashian
Robbers broke into Kim Kardashian's apartment in Paris a few weeks ago, tying up the celebrity and stealing several million dollars' worth of her jewels. You don't have to like Kim Kardashian much to have some sympathy for her in all this. And even if you really don't want to like her -- say, for religious reasons -- you'd probably still have the common decency not to actively mock her suffering.
Maybe I'm asking a lot of you.
Still, you probably wouldn't dress up for Halloween like this:
It'd limit your candy consumption, if nothing else.
Who Would Wear This?
Someone who doesn't like Kim Kardashian, clearly. And if it's a dude squeezing into it, it's probably one who doesn't much like women in general. It's also almost certainly someone who starts sentences with, "I'm not racist/sexist/homophobic, but ..." Have you ever met someone who keeps saying things that are met with stunned silence? It'll be them.
Oh! It could also actually be Kim Kardashian, in urgent need of help. So just double check before harshly judging them.
Harambe
Harambe was the gorilla in the Cincinnati Zoo that was shot after a child fell into his enclosure. This was a sad story, and led to a lot of also-sad thinkpieces about zoos, zookeepers, the skills of the child's parents, and whether all children should be armed. This was bad -- no one liked reading those. But it also led to something much worse: memes. The internet fucking freaked out about Harambe, plastering his name and image all over the place for several months.
And always tastefully, of course.
Which means there are going to be thousands of Harambes roaming the streets this Halloween, given the wide availability of existing gorilla costumes:
Anyone thinking they're dressing as a regular gorilla is going to get really tired of explaining this.
Just combine one of those with a doll, a compatriot in a child costume, or a rented child, and you're set. The lazy might just get one of these, though:
That whimpering sound? That's part of you -- the best part of you -- dying.
Who Would Wear This?
Someone who spends a bit of time online, but not a lot of time online.
If you've been on the Twitter or whatnot in the last few months, you will now be completely sick to death of Harambe jokes. Which means that the kind of person showing up in a Harambe costume knows enough to know it was kind of a big deal, but not enough that everyone's completely sick of it.
In a sense, then, they are to be envied, having such a healthy internet/life balance, and you'd do well to ask them how they manage their affairs, and if they'd have time to coach you.
On the other hand, they're dressed as a dead ape and you're not. You're doing just fine.
Pussy-Grabber
So. A tape was recently released of presidential candidate Donald Trump sitting on a bus with Access Hollywood host Billy Bush, discussing his techniques for approaching women. Among other things, he explained that because he was a star, he could do anything, including grabbing women "by the pussy."
It was in the news.
There isn't a ton of literature available on the proper etiquette for talking about pussy on the bus, but most bus scientists generally acknowledge that there's nothing uncommon or inappropriate about guys talking about women, bragging about sex, or using gross language. What is unusual, and not cool, is bragging about forcing yourself on unwilling women. If you ever see or hear a guy saying that, you should tell him to stop. And warn every woman you know about that guy.
Know any animals? Warn them too.
Anyway, it is also more or less inevitable that we'll see some variant of this as a costume this year. There don't appear to be any commercially available ones yet, but it wouldn't take a ton of effort to derive one from one of the readily available pussy magnet costumes:
Attracting is actually several orders of magnitude more acceptable than grabbing, so well done, this guy.
Anyway, it will be something like that, with maybe a plastic Hulk hand and bright yellow wig. You'll see it coming.
Who Would Wear This?
A dude, definitely. Probably just a garden-variety idiot, but there's a non-zero chance he'll be a sexual predator, so be careful. If you do find yourself in a conversation with them, keep an eye on your drink.
And pussy, obviously.
Damn, Daniel
Damn, Daniel was a meme that was a huge deal for about 11 seconds earlier this year. Here's the clip that originated it all:
That's it. Someone gently teasing his friend about his clothes and very white shoes. There's no reason this should have been popular, and I think we all understood that. There's a reason no one's said, "Damn, Daniel" in months.
But. White shoes are readily available ...
Damn, everyone.
... so don't be surprised if at least someone tries to pull this off this Halloween.
Who Would Wear This?
Someone who planned their costume during an 11-second window in February, then fell into a deep coma.
*muttering* "damn. damn. daniel damn. back at it again. damn daniel damn ..."
Don't mention the coma around them. It's rude. Just talk to them in a soft voice, avoid sudden movements, and try not to bring up any of the advanced technology and social changes that have rocked the world in the past eight months.
"Just be still. All of our iPhones still have headphone jacks. Relax."
Pizza Rat
Pizza Rat was a rat captured on YouTube descending the steps of a New York subway while dragging a piece of pizza with him. The video was enormously popular, because god, we're just chimps who will watch anything, aren't we?
Anyway, Pizza Rat is probably dead now, because it's not an easy life being a New York rat, and also that pizza didn't look too clean. A national tragedy which will not in any way stop someone from dressing up as ...
God dammit.
Who Would Wear This?
Someone who wore a Left Shark costume last year, and is desperate to recapture that high.
Evil Clown
So clowns are terrorizing the world. That's something that is happening. Most are apparently hoaxes or teens stunting. (You know, as they do. With clown costumes.)
"Let's get some beers and go down to the quarry and dress as clowns!"
But it's still not an entirely cool situation. Luring kids into the woods? That's creepy. Kids should be lured into snuggles with their grandparents. Or doing chores. Leghold traps, at most.
Still, an evil clown is an easy costume to make, and it's been in the news, so you know there are going to be like five of these guys at every Halloween party you go to this year.
"Dale, is that you? Andy? Brian? Other Andy? Marcus?"
Who Would Wear This?
Someone who probably isn't that bright. Remember what the bulk of these killer clown sightings have involved: luring children. That's kind of implicit with the clown angle, isn't it? You're not luring grown-ups anywhere dressed like that. Which means anyone dressed as a clown is, without really thinking about it, dressing as a child predator. Most people wouldn't do that if they'd considered it in advance, so you can be safely assured that most of the clowns you see this Halloween aren't the considerin' type.
Or, again, actual child predators. Keep an eye on your drink again, especially if you're a child.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, and misses Harambe so much. As the author of the amazing novels Freeze/Thaw and Severance, he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more costumes that should never be worn, ever, check out 26 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist, and see how other countries fare on Halloween in The 35 Most Insane Halloween Costumes from Around the World.
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