7 Celebrity Movie Deaths We Enjoyed Way Too Much
The success of magazines like People, Star and Us Weekly isn't predicated on how interested humanity is in Blake Lively's new dress, the issues sell because dental patients and grocery shoppers want to see if Blake Lively has caught on fire yet.
The only thing America loves more than an underdog success story is seeing a powerful, amoral asshole get his comeuppance. This is especially true for celebrities. The success of magazines like People, Star and Us Weekly isn't predicated on how interested humanity is in Blake Lively's new dress, the issues sell because dental patients and grocery shoppers want to see if Blake Lively has caught on fire yet. Watching famous people fall (particularly into fires) is a special indulgence for most of us, and the gratification only intensifies when the star never deserved such a high perch in the first place.
Sweet Recompense
David Caruso-King of New York
I'm still holding out hope that David Caruso is playing an elaborate hoax on the world. Somewhere between NYPD Blue and CSI Miami he was clearing out some old things and decided he didn't need functional social etiquette anymore. He has lost all context for how regular people interact with one another, which is a crucial skill set for actors. Perhaps in a very literal attempt to avoid insulting co-stars, he refuses to talk down to anyone; instead he stoops as low as he possibly can and then looks up like a dog that just defecated in the study again. It's especially absurd to watch when he has to talk to children.
"Unlike you and me, not every murder case is...black and white."
Paris Hilton-House of Wax
When humanity turned against Paris Hilton it wasn't prepared for her to live so long. There was an early and hard sprint of hatred with no consideration for how exhausting it would be in the later laps. In recent years she hasn't done anything to redeem herself but it's almost too tiring to offer her any more attention.
"I'm serious, Paris. Get the f*ck off of my lawn. This is getting old."
Still, I'm doing it. Quiet hatred is still hatred. Each time she climbed out of a car vagina first, or answered her phone during sex, or wept like a child in the back of a cop car, everyone cried "rehab!" but only for the shame it would bring her, no one actually wanted to see Paris Hilton get better. On the inside, the world was whispering a prayer that that someone would throw a stake through her face instead. House of Wax answered that prayer.Steven Seagal-Executive Decision
Actor-performer is a generous term for Steven Seagal, it feels more applicable to call him a pretend-Native-American-who-does-martial-arts-while-cameras-roll. He has acted in over 35 films and stubbornly refuses to get any better at it. Yet, even with his illustrious career making movies and his labored musical persuits, Steven Seagal still finds time for love. He made headlines this year when his assistant accused him keeping and abusing sex slaves. The assaults described, while horrific, were considerably more lumbering and awkward than anyone anticipated from an accomplished martial artist. Then again, there are few elegant ways to choke a sex slave. So, on the scale of human decency, Steven Seagal sits squarely behind the chimpanzee that ripped that woman's face off a while back.
"Damnit ape, you're on deadly ground."
Tara Reid-Urban Legend
There's a scene in The Shining when Jack Nicholson kisses a beautiful naked woman in a bathroom before her body decays instantly and she becomes a bloated, festering corpse in his arms. I imagine that's how a lot of teenage boys felt about Tara Reid while using her as masturbation fodder in the late 90s.
You know, I think I'll just do my homework.
Not even meth can destroy a human body as quickly as Tara Reid has destroyed hers. Like a walking D.A.R.E. scare tactic, she is the end result of a life of over-stimulation, except she achieved it in only a few years. Her tireless dedication to impulse earned her the reality show Taradise for a year before audiences lost interest in watching a pie-wagon shaped drunk chicken fight in a pool over and over.Jennifer Lopez-Jersey Girl
When Jennifer Lopez dies in the first fifteen minutes of Jersey Girl I think audiences are supposed to feel something like sadness. But after years of hearing the tantrums and demandsTom Cruise-Valkyrie
Audiences never anticipated that they would see an American made movie set in the 1940s with a German hero. They also never anticipated that they would cheer when that hero was shot in front of a firing squad of Nazis at the end of the film. Valkyrie created a tremendous moral conflict for German moviegoers in particular because they were forced to choose which they hated more: Nazis, or Tom Cruise.
"ScheiÃer!"
Dane Cook-Mr. Brooks
Early on in his career, Dan Cook did a bit about the moments when the middle finger isn't enough of an insult, and how the middle combined with the ring finger could be a lot more effectual when the situation demanded it: The Super Finger. In other words, he took an idea created by someone else, already infused with a deep implications and significance, then altered it slightly into something more confusing before claiming it as his own. This seems like a nice analogy for Dane Cook's entire career.
5 minutes in the mirror, every morning.
