6 Pro-Gay Marriage Arguments for Fighting With Crazy People
New York just legalized gay marriage in time for Pride Week, a cruelly timed challenge to monogamy for all the naked float dancers expecting a very different kind of happy ending. Civil rights and referendums go together like peanut butter and K-Y Jelly, and most politicans have the moral courage of a starving cockroach, but in a double rainbow miracle, they noticed a majority of New Yorkers think two loving adults should share a life together, unless they are the stars of The Bachelor, in which case, they are force-fed spiders.
Happiness is not recognizing anyone on the magazine covers
That same myopia afflicted us with Color Me Badd
1, 2, 3, 4...5! It's like that plus Martian Manhunter
Translated into sanity:"The unpopularity of my beliefs shakes my faith, therefore I am oppressed. Soon I will be forced to perform marriages against my will."
Look, there's no debating that the holy book of the majority should dictate all the secular laws for everyone else. That's just common sense until your side isn't winning. The Bible states in Genesis that marriage is between a man and his mutated rib, which is as painful as it sounds, but at least the Constitution allows it.In time, God expands this beautiful concept into a union between a man, his swinging wife, and her abused servant
There's a Lot wrong with this picture
Translated into sanity:"Homosexuality only leads to pregnancy in ancient creation myths and certain species of hellbound lizard. If a couple isn't ready for children, they must do like the animals and wait till the time is right. Then, like lions, they should copulate 70 times a day in ten second stints. Two males may also stalk a female and pen her into a rapefest, just like nature's perfect cheetahs. And who are we, in our hubris, to challenge the natural order of black swan threesomes?"
The Jones-Blanc Index proved that was the height of comedy
Translated into sanity:"Better to have no parents at all than loving parents that make strangers uncomfortable. Rather than teach children and social workers kindness and respect, society should cast orphans into the dark, loveless solitude that foreshadows their inevitable early grave."
I don't want to call Forman homophobic, but he's the only dad in the state whose children aren't allowed to look directly at rainbows. The apples in his crisper could only touch oranges, if he weren't too afraid to buy fruit. He wears three layers of lady's silk gloves to masturbate, but can't finish unless he pictures a skinhead kicking the city of San Francisco to death. Woah! Maybe not that far. That was a dark place we just went. Rather than admit they're quivering fearballs, authoritarians love to fob their issues off on kids. The advantage is not needing any data to back up your claims. All the other guy can do is come out Pro-Thing That Might Maybe Hurt Children Because We Said. It's got to stop. I don't know if you've looked around lately, but this country is lousy with orphans, orphans, ORPHANS! I'm partially to blame, because of my murder sprees, but I make up for my orphan-footprint by shoveling the urchins into the furnace of my antique steam-train as I ride around the country, teaching lucky non-orphans about science. Let us shake society's apron free of these human breadcrumbs! Let us plant them on the presumably non-erect laps of childless gay couples.
What? MORE! Never before has a boy wanted more porridge or parents!
Translated into sanity:"Marriage only exists for women to trap men, who would stick it in a blender if the setting was low. We're just a few gay marriages away from marrying rocks."
Good! It's the 21st century! I want to see some weird stuff that's not on YouTube. Bring on the mutants and sentient holograms and the Chihuahuas possessed by an angel who love them both too much to choose. We live in a world full of Japanese dream machines and cyborg cells with nano-armor, but you think gay marriage is going to irrevocably alter humanity? Dude, people in the future are going to do high-speed leukemia as a party drug.
The future should be exciting.
![#5-- PEOPLE MAY BE FORCED TO DEVELOP THEIR OWN MORAL JUDGMENT 000 *IA judge] ruled that schools have a duty to teach children that there's moral equiv](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/4/0/7/68407.jpg?v=1)
Translated into sanity:"*gasp!* How dare the school teach children about the world and then ask them to form their own opinions?"
Seth Forman wrote an entire book, so I know he understands words mean things, even if 88% of them are alarmed ways of noticing gay people exist. He wonders where the sympathy is for bigots who get called bigots, he thinks a wife will drop her husband like a stripper's dress the second she gets the lesbian green light, and that government employees are too beholden to the Constitution. Every one of this chicken's complaints is that we won't be quite as openly allowed to mistreat gays. Seth, it's not the school's job to teach kids how to feel about issues. It's the school's job to sour kids on learning. Also to give them the whole story so they can learn to capably navigate the world -- yes, even a world where gay people don't spontaneously combust. You can infect your kids with your prejudices the other 17 hours of the day. Look, there are a lot of things I want for America: ray guns, the criminalization of stupidity, and a law that says Jennifer Love Hewitt has to buy me a drink every time I make her laugh. But only the ray guns are in keeping with the principles of this country. The other two try to legislate bad choices. If you never make a bad choice, you're not learning and growing. You're just Formaning your way through life, which I don't need to tell you, involves a whole lot of short, quick steps with one's buttocks firmly clenched.
Translated into sanity:"We must never permit authority to tell us what family is when we know in our hearts what is right. Now listen carefully as I explain the strict limitations of our hearts."Gay marriage upsets all the right people, like Archbishop Timothy Dolan, who leads 2.6 million Catholics (presumably over a cliff). He says kids deserve better than the love of their gay parents, which is a classy thing to tell a baby. He also double-reverse batarangs the Chinese government's child-killing policy into the future of gay marriage with the internal consistency of Schrodinger's box, but not one sweet lick of shame. The people who create this non-debate don't really care about morality or kids. They care about order and control. They care about rousing the rabble just enough to keep them scared, angry, and obedient. These are the people who would rather win than succeed. The best thing you can do is laugh in their apoplectic faces.Every time you do, you take away a little of their power. Even though both of us are writing hateful screeds on the internet and neither of us is having sex, the bishop gets respect for spreading misery, but I get ignored by Jennifer Love Hewitt, a woman so lovely she could turn a duck straight.
Hewitt? Love to, but I haven't theduthed it yet, thport.
LEFT: Dignity and grace
RIGHT: Living, frothing hate-napalm
Brendan McGinley doesn't know Love, so hate for hate will have to do.
