6 People So Good At Sex They're Basically Magic
Sex is a lot like food. The less you have of it, the more you want it. And once someone has put their dick into it, you're decidedly done for a while. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not a prude by any means. I like sex as much as the average pervert. I also like eating at expensive restaurants from time to time. But do it three times a day for a whole year, and I'll eventually say, "Can't we just stay home and eat Pop-Tarts tonight?" The best sex is always about timing.
Not everyone got that memo. We've told you before about some of the most professional sex-havers in history, but they are far from the only ones. Here are some more people who should be famous for their superhuman boning abilities.
Benjamin Franklin Boned Well Into His 70s -- Maybe Longer
This Founding Father spent so much time between the sheets, it is honestly amazing he managed to get anything else done, let alone help start a new country.
Franklin first noticed women when he was 14 and the prostitutes in Boston started catching his eye. Soon, according to his autobiography, "that hard-to-be-governed passion of youth had hurried me frequently into intrigues with low women that fell in my way." In other words, he started banging those prostitutes.
When he was 18, Franklin went on a year-long sex tour of London with a friend, James Ralph. Their fun ended when Franklin tried to get with Ralph's girlfriend. He returned to America, fathered an illegitimate son, and married a woman so unattractive that he said she looked like a beer mug. Some of his biographers think he only settled down so he had access to sex whenever he wanted it, which was all the time.
But Franklin really hit his sexual stride once he turned 50. When he went back to London he lived with a woman and her 18-year-old daughter and may have seduced them both. He joined the Hellfire Club, an exclusive gentlemen's club whose meetings were all about alcohol, prostitutes, and orgies. When he moved to Paris in 1776, women threw themselves at him. Despite being in his 70s and suffering from some pretty debilitating illnesses, he was still all about the ladies. John Adams was in France with him and complained that he could never get Franklin to do any real work because he was surrounded by attractive women from morning to night.
When he died, 20,000 people attended the funeral. It's pretty safe to assume that the majority of those people had bathed in the comet tail of Benjamin Franklin's balls.
The Whole World Worshiped Leslie Hutchinson's Enormous Dong
In the United States during the 1920s and '30s, black men were regularly lynched for just looking at a white woman. Even in the United Kingdom, interracial relationships of any kind were seriously frowned upon. And an interracial GAY relationship? It didn't even bear thinking about. So what do you do if you are the popular black bisexual jazz performer known as "Hutch"? You have sex with absolutely everyone and get away with it.
Born in Grenada, Hutch became a musical sensation on Broadway and in London. And since being famous doesn't hurt your ability to bang people, soon he had a string of famous lovers, including the actress Tallulah Bankhead, the composer Cole Porter, and the actor Ivor Novello, as well as dozens of others, celebrities or not. This was despite getting married in 1923. He and his wife had a child together, but in the end he would father 10 kids by seven women, that we know of. (Part of his attraction may have had something to do with the fact that he claimed to have the biggest penis in the world.)
One of those lucky women was the unmarried English debutante Elizabeth Corbett. When she realized she was pregnant, she quickly managed to get another guy to marry her and convinced him the child was his. It wasn't until she was literally in labor that she mentioned to her new husband that, oh, by the way, "your" baby might be black.
But Hutch's most notorious affair was with Lady Mountbatten, a minor British royal. She was apparently so enamored of his giant dong that she had a "diamond-encrusted penis sheath" made for him. The rumor at the time was that her husband finally found out about the affair when Lady Mountbatten's vagina slammed shut during sex with Hutch (vaginismus) and the lovers had to be transported to a hospital, where doctors separated them.
Rasputin Boned So Much It Led To His Assassination
The famous Mad Monk that helped usher in the Russian Revolution was a complex figure. Many different stories exist about him, making him out to be everything from a saint, to a con man, to someone who needed serious mental help. But one thing most of his contemporaries seemed to agree on was that he was a sex machine.
After sleeping with most of the girls in his village, getting married, and having a few kids, Rasputin joined a religious order that believed in doing whatever feels good, because religion has its own Rule 34 thing going on: If you can think it, it's out there somewhere. Then he went on a sex tour around Russia. Officially, it was a pilgrimage or whatever, but in reality he was just moving from town to town and having sex with everything that moved, usually during giant orgies.
Rasputin is most famous for his connection to the Russian royal family, but it wasn't like he could just walk into the palace and say hi. He needed to work his way up the social ladder. He did this by sleeping with half the women, and some of the men, in St. Petersburg.
But how did this provincial nobody, who rarely bathed and was covered in lice and sores, get all these upper-class people to have sex with him? Part of it was his unique take on spirituality. He believed that by sinning you were really becoming more holy. So cheating on your husband was not only fine, it was saving your very soul.
Then there was his dick. By all accounts it was porn-star huge. Some people said it was 11 inches flaccid, while others claimed it was a foot long when hard. On top of that, it was said to have a large wart near the tip that made sex with him so pleasurable, some women claimed to have passed out.
When Rasputin became close to the royal family, rumors inevitably started about him and the Tsarina. These were probably helped along by the fact that one night, while drunk out of his mind, he jumped up on a table in a crowded restaurant, got his dick out, and started shouting about how he fucked the Tsar's wife all the time.
He was so all about getting his bone on that it actually killed him. Rasputin was lured to the house where his assassins were because one of them promised he could have sex with his hot wife. So, guys, the next time you complain that someone has "cock blocked" you, just remember that it could be a whole lot worse.
George IV Was A Serial Bone Artist Who Kept Trophies
At one point George IV was a young, relatively attractive Prince of Wales who dressed well and spent lots of money. So it isn't surprising that for a while he was bedding women left and right. But then he got a little older and so unbelievably fat that he needed to wear a specially designed corset in public. Still, the fact that he could probably crush his lovers to death didn't seem to slow his game down.
After every sexual conquest George would ask the woman involved, who could have been anyone from an aristocrat to a servant, for a lock of her hair. He would put it in an envelope, label it, and put it away. When he died, his brothers found over 7,000 of these keepsakes, or "enough hair to stuff a sofa."
But just being a prince wasn't always enough to get a woman to sleep with him. When he met Maria Fitzherbert, George became obsessed. He tried to get her to have sex with him, but she was a good Catholic at a time when that stuff actually mattered, and so she refused. She made it clear the only way he was getting in her twinkle cave was if they were married. There were a few problems with this: George couldn't marry a commoner, and he absolutely could not marry a Catholic. So in order to get what he wanted, he sent her 42-page letters all about how mean she was and how he was totally going to kill himself if he didn't have sex with her, like, now.
When he was 17, George wanted to sleep with a famous actress so badly that he offered her 20,000 pounds in exchange for her services. His father, who ended up settling with her for "just" 5,000 pounds, was not happy.
It wasn't always so difficult to get women interested in him, though. Many of his mistresses were married, so he would invite them and their husbands over to the palace for a game of cards. Then the cuckolded husband would have to sit quietly while George felt up his wife in front of him.
Des Hatchett Has Enough Illegitimate Children To Fill A School Bus
Just in case you were starting to think that men were only Lotharios in the olden days, don't worry. Crazy sex stuff still happens today.
Enter Des "The Sperminator" Hatchett. In 2009, the 29-year-old was dragged in to court for failing to pay child support. Sad, but your typical deadbeat-dad stuff that you see too often these days. Then you learn he was failing to pay child support -- for 21 different children.
The children have 11 different mothers, and Hatchett seems completely confused about how it got to that point. As he told reporters at the time, "It just happened." (Hey, Tennessee, that abstinence-only education you have might not be working out so great.) And for those who might have noticed that he seems pretty young to have that many kids: He had four in the same year. Twice.
But the saga of Des Hatchett and his super sperm was not over yet. Three years later he was back in court, although this time it wasn't for failing to pay child support for his 21 children.
It was for failing to pay it for 30 of them.
That's right: Despite claiming during the 2009 case that he was done having children, somehow nine more appeared in three years. Although, to be fair, that doesn't mean they were all born during that time. When his earlier case made the news, Hatchett was concerned more women who had given birth to his children would find him. Apparently, they did.
In the end, these women were fighting more for the principle of the thing than for money. Because the father of their children was only making minimum wage, and it had to be split 30 ways, some of the mothers were entitled to only $1.49 a month.
Genghis Khan's Boning Populated Entire Countries
But the ultimate baby daddy of all time has to be Genghis Khan. Despite being more famous for his Mongol hordeing than his Mongol whoring, Genghis might have more descendants than any other person in history.
In the early 1200s, Genghis started conquering shit. It turned out he was really good at it and soon his empire stretched from Korea to Eastern Europe. And every time he conquered a new tribe, he took at least one of their women as a bride. He also usually killed many, if not most of the men, meaning that there were suddenly a lot fewer people to pass on their genes in any given region.
Back in 2003, geneticists discovered that a shocking number of men in central Asia had nearly identical Y-chromosomes. Since that chromosome is passed from father to son and hardly changes over time, it is easy to tell who is whose daddy. All these men, some 16 million of them, had the same male ancestor about 800 years ago. And who was running all over central Asia killing off other men and having all the sex at about that time? Genghis Khan.
We have no idea how many wives and kids Genghis had, but it must have been pretty ridiculous. And his sons and grandsons carried on the tradition, with some of them having 100 kids themselves.
So just how many people might be able to call Genghis grandpa? Back in 2003, 8 percent of Central Asian males were related to him and 0.5 percent of the world's men in total. If we assume he has as many female descendants as guys, a full 1 percent of the 7 billion people in the world today are here thanks to the Khan's epic sex life.
Kathy wrote a very funny book called FUNERALS TO DIE FOR and you can buy it here. Or follow her on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter.
For more from Kathy, check out 5 Reasons 'Traditional Marriage' Would Shock Your Ancestors and 6 Ways The Decision To Not Have Kids Messes With Your Head.
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