6 Brilliant Websites That Should Not Exist
We all know that there's a lot of weird shit on the Internet. It's one big community shower where everyone purposely drops the soap. Or, more accurately, where everyone inserts said soap into each others' anuses and then farts it at each other until someone dies from vomiting.
But perhaps some of the weirdest parts of the Internet are those that can't be easily described. Each one is just a dank swill of madness flecked with the grime of pointlessness. It's weirdness with no reason or direction or a meaning easily discernible by people not on the same fucked-up wavelength as the creators. And all that weirdness is elevated by the complete inability to understand what kind of person would create it and for what reasons and are those reasons sinister and did I just join Al-Qaeda by seeing this? Here, let me just show you ...
VeryMan.expert: The Most Bonkers Character Creator Around
If you've ever wanted to create a contorted nightmare man with a massive pompadour standing in space holding a beer in one hand and a microphone in the other while wearing a leotard covered in crudely drawn dicks, VeryMan.expert is the Internet destination of your dreams -- and I'm guessing your dreams are what the rest of us refer to as "David Lynch movies."
In just a few short minutes you too can create your own jiggling freak. And the user interface couldn't be simpler. All you have to do is follow the easy-to-understand customization tab on the right side of the screen that includes such commands as whatever the hell this says:
Great. Now all I need to do is take night classes at my local community college
to understand what the hell I'm clicking.
The next section contains sliders that control attributes like "Human Pouch" and "Father's Chest" and "Butt Amount" -- all of which further rip apart your little man like he's soaring through the physics-shattering event horizon of a black hole only to come out on the other side as a play thing on some dude's browser between a tab about quilting and another tab with, just, so much porn on it.
The site doesn't serve any discernible purpose. There's just a digital man with arms to his knees wearing a pink jump suit with his nipples exposed, practically begging you to fuck his shit all sorts of up. And that's it. Someone made this, threw it on the Internet like a grenade, then leapt out of a building and plummeted to their death to escape the aftermath of their creation. Dr. Frankenstein created a monster, but he wasn't crazy enough to give us all the tools to create our own. But if he did, he would probably also give us a live stream of all the ghastly Very Mans other people have created.
Partying eases the pain of his existence.
If you know for certain why this is a thing, there's a good chance you've touched the void and slipped into the iridescent abyss of infinity before. Or you're super high.
DullestBlog.com: The Most Boring Place On The Internet
I did some washing up this evening. I put some water into the bowl, but it was too hot. So I put a little bit of cold in. This brought the water to the correct temperature.
That is the first entry on the least interesting blog in the world, but it's not the blog's least interesting entry. It's hard to tell which entry wears that dishonorable crown. Every single one of the dozens of entries published between the blog's inception in 2003 and its final entry in 2013 are vying for the title of the most pointless, most boring thing anyone has ever put on the Internet.
Every post on the site is a bland, matter-of-fact sentence that dissipates from memory as soon as it's read. It might as well be a blank white space. The only difference between Dullest Blog and most of the sites on this list is it's purposely pointless.
Back in the early '00s, a cartoonist from Cookham, England, named Dave Walker took a look at the burgeoning blog scene and noticed that nearly all blogs at the time fell into one of two categories: either "highly interesting" or "something that's rather the opposite of that." He developed a fascination with the latter type, which turned into a call to action: He was going to make the least interesting blog the world has ever known. He called it DullestBlog.com and spent the next decade making sure everything published on it lived up to the ambitious mission.
Dave clearly failed that mission, because he somehow created blog posts so dull they loop back around to deeply fascinating.
TimeGlider.com's "The Penis": An Overload Of Dick Slang
I don't know what to do with Time Glider. Not the whole site, mind you. The site as a whole is fine. It gives users the ability to create interactive timelines. So, if you're looking for a complete chronological history of the Wright brothers, here's one. Have a ball with that exciting bundle of information displayed in a thrillingly straight line. And much like a reflection of real life, I have no idea what to make of "The Penis" entry.
It's a timeline of, supposedly, every single slang term for a penis ever recorded, culled from a slang dictionary published in 2010. The lesson I've taken from this is that penis is to English speakers what snow is to an Eskimo -- we have way too many words for one thing.
Eskimos have no word for "penis." They just smile and everyone gets it.
Here, in no particular order, is a choice selection of penis words that, I guess, you can incorporate into your daily routine. Or you can be like me and just stare in slack-jawed awe, questioning reality like we're all in some sort of penis Matrix:
gentleman usher
rule of three
matrimonial peacemaker
liver disturber
cunt plunger
Irish toothache
Jewish nightcap
bowel-starter
jasper
majesty
beef bayonet
Mickey Rourke
basket of meat
staff of life
gaying instrument
marrow pudding
touch of the duke
mutton gun
hidden magic
Bethlehem steel
gruesome and gory
mayonnaise midget
AllTheBannersOnTheWeb.com: A Site That Humanizes Banner Ads
At first glance, AllTheBannersOnTheWeb.com is nothing more than a dare aimed at epileptics. A multitude of squares and rectangles flashing a full spectrum of colors for no reason at all -- until you click one of the squares and discover that the reason is madness. Pure, unadulterated madness.
For example, had I not clicked on Vertical Rectangle (240 x 400), I would never have discovered that it was a former pro skateboarder that no longer believes in God. Or that Large Rectangle (336 x 280) is depressed after having gained weight from her third pregnancy and yearns to feel the passionate love she sees in chick flicks:
All the banners have their own little lives, their own little stories that make you empathize with their struggles, because ultimately banners are just like you- the fuck am I talking about? Why do I ... feel something toward a colored square? Probably because some of the back stories are better developed and more human than most characters in a Michael Bay movie. They feel like fully fleshed-out, three-dimensional beings, even while being decidedly non-fleshy, two-dimensional shapes. None of this shit makes any sense. Had I told you this without AllTheBannersOnTheWeb.com to reference as proof, you'd assume I staggered out of a desert, parched and driven mad by the sun and a face full of scorpion stings.
ChatWithYourself.com: The Loneliest Chatroom On The Internet
ChatWithYourself.com is basically a loneliness simulator. It's a chatroom where you are the only person talking. No one else can join the conversation ... but others can watch as you talk to yourself. And it's just as creepy and pointless as it sounds, which is especially impressive seeing as how peering into people's online lives usually has a point to it. A disgusting point that usually hints at a much larger mental health issue, but a point nonetheless.
The kinds of things people say when speaking only to themselves include not knowing what to say in front of an anonymous audience of, at most, three people:
Or long, detailed rants filled with twisted shit, because, hey -- it's only an anonymous audience of, at most, three people:
But every so often you come across something interesting. One person appeared to be publishing a short story one line at a time for an audience of three. By the time it was done, it was just me. When the person reached the end of the tale, they thanked me for sticking around to listen.
But mostly, it's people feeling crazy and very sad that they've been reduced to talking to themselves on the Internet.
You have definitely discovered the lowest level of sad on the Internet, Mr. Person. Good news is, it's all uphill from here. Yep. Absolutely nothing can be more pointless than what we just read. Nothing at all ...
CarpetsForAirports.com: A Catalog Of Airport Carpets
... except CarpetsForAirports.com.
At first glance, you'd think that CFA would really put your knowledge of airport carpet design to the test. Or it would if even one fact about the carpets wasn't completely made up.
This shit is fucking exhilarating.
The Earth spins. Its landmasses dotted with red. Each dot represents an airport, each airport with its own, unique carpet pattern, and behind each pattern is a story. Usually a story that's juuuust dumb enough to not be mistaken for truth. Clicking the "About" section on most sites brings up a kind of mission statement, a short summation of what the site is. On Carpets For Airports, you get what appears to be the egomaniacal declarations of a god who has a deep appreciation for carpets.
Ever since the dawn of time man has separated himself from the lifeless earth beneath him with carpets. Nowhere has this renunciation of man's transience been more joyous or uplifting than in the medium of airport carpets.
Entries on the site range from the absurd -- like this opening line from the entry on the carpet from St. John's International Airport in Newfoundland, Canada: "The first line of Canadian defense against attack from the Atlantic, YYT has for many years been a carpet that takes no prisoners" -- to the even more absurd, like the entry for Xi'an Xianyang International Airport in China:
The site is utterly useless and covers a subject no one has ever cared about, which is why I needed, with every carpet fiber of my being, to find the name of the genius behind it. So I did some digging, and by that I mean I clicked one of the first links on a single Google search. While I'm still not sure who created the site, I know who helped aggregate some of the site's lush, exhilarating photos of airport carpets. Let's take a closer look at the name of the person credited on the picture of the carpet from Edinburgh Airport:
Hugh Dancy, as in the guy who plays Will Graham on Hannibal.
According to The Daily Dot, Hugh's friends created the site, and Hugh helps them out by snapping truly enthralling photos of the many airport carpets that grace the bottom of his feet in his travels. Hugh's dedication to cataloging the world's airport carpets led to him being thrown out of an airport lounge in Boston back in 2009 after a security guard allegedly interpreted Hugh's obsessive photographing of the lounge's carpet as a terrorist activity.
Cataloging airport carpets for the purposes of creating an entirely pointless online carpet database is a dangerous game.
Luis would like to remind you that the unattainable is unknown at Zombocom. You can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.
For more from Luis, check out What 4 Internet Celebrities Did After They Got Famous Part 2 and 5 Absolutely Insane Indie Games You Can Play For Free.
Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.
