5 Sex Toys That Are Clearly Designed for Sociopaths

5 The Stay Close Blowjob Aid

Sometimes, the creepiest sex gear is the kind that you won't necessarily recognize as sexual at all. Case in point:

At first glance, the above picture seems to depict ... a kettle holder, maybe? Perhaps a really ill-advised scarf, like a stupid designer necktie thing that unscrupulous entrepreneurs peddle for the never-ending trickle of runners in the Yes-I'd-Like-to-Look-Like-an-Obnoxious-Hipster Marathon. Or maybe it's just some obscure kitchen utensil from the 1950s that your grandmother gave you as a present along with a $3 gift card to McDonald's and the hippest CD she could find at Walmart (which turns out to be The B-Side Collection by Maroon 5).

In reality, that might indeed be a gift from your grandmother -- but the recipient is your mom. For that piece of leather and suede, friends, is marketed under the name of the Stay Close Blowjob Aid. How does it work? Why, the exact way that lizard part of your brain that is always the first to recognize terror is starting to suspect. Basically, someone saw that scene in The Big Lebowski where Jesus cleans his bowling ball, and thought: "Hey, wouldn't it make a great sex toy if we replaced that bowling ball with someone's face?"

Yep, those are handles, and the leather/cloth part wraps around the back of your partner's head. If you can't figure out the rest, you are an alien spy and have no business reading articles about this particular spin on human sexual behavior anyway. Quickly, flee back to Proxima Centauri, B'larrf, and please convince the Elders not to zap us just because your instruments happened to capture humanity discussing head wrap prisons bought by guys who are too gentlemanly to outright grab their partners' ears -- yet.

I doubt I would willfully imprison the head of a person whose teeth are within biting distance of my unguarded pelvic area, but that's just me. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. Still, despite all the evidence piling up against this product, I must admit that I can see some use for it. Human beings rarely come pre-equipped with handles, so in a suitably friction-challenged environment (say, a shower), wrapping this thing around your partner's grabbable bits could in theory provide much-needed handholds, thus preventing undue dislocations and embarrassing E.R. trips. Maybe ... maybe that's what this thing is really all about. Maybe that stupid-ass name is just provocative marketing. So maybe I should give this thing the benefit of doubt after all. It's not as if it comes in a package that specifically instructs fuck-awful people to use it as a freaking blowjob handl-

4 The King JCobra Gentleman's Ring

It's a cock ring. Let's just get that out of the way right now. I picture lots of things when I hear the word "gentleman": champagne, opening doors for old ladies, good sportsmanship. But cock rings? Look, the concept of debauchery and I exchanged phone numbers years ago. As such, I fully realize and accept that cock rings exist, and that people use them. They come in various sizes and shapes, and unless you're equipping them with stuff like razor blades or Wi-Fi, they're alright. It's just that my belief in the general goodness of humanity dies a little whenever I see shit like this:

Hey, look, it's a cobra for your dick!

One that costs $15,000.

Balancing the thin line between insanity and super insanity, the handy combination of sex toy and sexual harassment lawsuit that is the King JCobra Gentleman's Ring is a solid gold (or silver, or platinum) cock ring shaped like an extremely realistic poisonous snake, because cuckoo whistle bait, poopie noodles! The product's website advises the user to wear it during sex, which is how Cleopatra really died, or during normal day-to-day activities, which is actually awesome, because now I can forever assume that every rich douchebag smarming their way about town is secretly wearing one of these and doing their level best not to walk funny. Then again, the website also promises this thing is very ergonomic to use, which is likely true right up until the user jumps out of his Maserati to scream obscenities at the handicapped person occupying what is clearly his parking space and feels this thing tear into his nutsack.

I don't give a damn how "elegantly dangerous" or terminally 50 Shades of Grey you want to be. There is no excuse for strapping a $15,000 precious metal snake to your dong, unless your dick was cursed by an ancient Egyptian sorcerer and the King JCobra Gentleman's Ring is the only thing that can keep the mummy of Amon-ath-Thotep away. Even then, if you even passingly consider wearing it as a sex thing, there's no way you'll ever convince anyone you're not just trying to subconsciously scare yourself from trying to touch every penis.

Every penis, Chad.

3 The Dildomaker

Wait, is that a ... ?

Surely, that can't be ...

Hahahahahaha, it is! It's a thing that turns other things into dicks. Here, look:

I can't tell if that device looks more like a pencil sharpener of a meat grinder, both of which are incidentally among the absolute worst mental images that can be connected with the concept of penis. A meat cleaver-shaped model is presumably just down the production line.

The Dildomaker is essentially a whittling device, custom-designed to turn any object you can fit in there into something you can fit in ... other places. And they mean any object:

Just because the world isn't unfair enough, the machine is somehow called the Dildomaker. This means that it's all too easy to mistake it for one of those kits people use to turn their real dicks into artificial dicks, ones that, presumably, some real people who totally aren't them are sticking all up in their stuff. Note to future sex toy concept designers: 1) your profession is kind of awesome, and 2) despite that, maybe don't give your carrot sharpener a label any wannabe dong-molder can confuse with a turn-your-own-dong-into-a-dildo kit. I mean, technically it would work, but there are certain kinds of screaming and bloodshed that just plain aren't sexy, no matter how kinky you consider yourself.

Thankfully/unfortunately, the Dildomaker is, at the moment, strictly a concept model. Still, even if the sex toy industry at large won't inevitably bite on this concept (it will), you can bet your ass that some jaded Chinese guy will eventually discover it, shrug, and flood the market with cheap knockoff versions that will inevitably come with an user manual so confusing, you just know that at least one unfortunate individual will wind up sticking their actual dicks in one.

All that aside, though, as soon as they become available, I'm totally getting one, just to horrify everyone at next year's Christmas dinner.

2 Sex Ducks

It will never stop baffling me how many sex toys are shaped like animals. It's generally accepted that the whole "cute dolphin-themed dildos instead of giant, veiny rubber dongs" aspect of it is meant to ease the less experimental customer into the world of sex toys through the magic of inoffensive cuteness. It's just that this line of thinking sometimes goes a tad overboard, so if you go to a sex shop or online store, your eyeballs are bound to be slapped with a massive host of worm and rabbit or octopus or whatever-themed vibrators. Also, fuck ducks.

Wait, you didn't know about the fuck ducks? The vibrating duck designed like your classic rubber ducks? I'm sorry, let's fix that right now:

Yes, for whatever reason, we have managed to take the rubber duck -- one of the most innocuous toys around -- and turn it into something Skeletor might ride into battle after it's done getting you off. The product is so dubious that even the manufacturer's own, no doubt unbiased video review manages to be a bit cautious about it:

"Don't be intimidated by the fact that there's a screw in there." -- Actual quote

Cracked has already mentioned the existence of these vibrator rubber ducks, but what we're yet to cover is just how cynically gotta-catch-them all these things have become:

Those things are just an arbitrary good guys/bad guys division away from becoming a fully-fledged toy line, and although I admit that your average Transformers toy battle would be greatly improved if all the figures could breakdance-vibrate across the floor, it must be pointed out that these are not a toy line -- they're fuck-versions of what is essentially a small child's bath toy. Imagine if those were, say, My Little Ponies with an inbuilt vibrating function. Actually, don't imagine that. I'd be shocked if those don't already exist. I have a long-standing theory that the whole Brony thing is a form of as yet undiscovered brain fungus, but even I feel that this is a pretty unequal distribution of torches and pitchforks.

Also, there's this: I have no doubt that these things are pleasurable to use. They buzz and they're presumably waterproof -- there's not a lot to go wrong there. But when you re-emerge from the throes of passion, you're going to walk the earth for the rest of your days as a person who's had sex with a toy duck. Have fun erasing that shit from your mental CV.

1 Sex Toy Body Parts

For all their inherent creepiness, disembodied sexable body parts are a bit of a go-to concept for the sex toy industry. Seeing a wallfull of rubbery, disembodied genitalia would be a traumatic experience for someone who hasn't been exposed to a lifetime of modern sexual attitudes, but to us jaded motherfuckers living in the future, that's just a sex shop (or the bedroom of a person who is either very lonely or very popular). That's not to say that there aren't limits, though. Body-part-themed sex toys come in many flavors (sometimes literally); not all of them are of the traditional genital/butt/mouth variety, and some of them veer uncomfortably deep into "this person totally has a fridge full of faces in his basement" territory. For those times when you want a self-administered hand job from a waxy imitation of a female hand instead of the more obvious and comfortable spin on the theme, here's a dong sleeve with a goddamn hand affixed to it:

If hands are not your thing, why not affix your attentions to a pair of disembodied rubber feet modeled after the high heel holders of another adult actress:

OK, maybe I'm being a bit unfair with those. Foot fetishists are a thing, after all, and it's cool that the sex toy industry is at least attempting to cater for them. There's a fairly limited number of things you can do with the foot theme -- it's not like they can just go sticking random hyper-realistic vaginas in the ankles or anything.

Or so you'd like to think! Meet the Vajankle:

No. No no no no no no. That's not a sex toy, that's a prop from the XXX-rated version of the Thing. People who don't habitually wear a clown suit for kicks are physically unable to even be in the same room with that object. Patrick Bateman would deem it unsavory. Yet there it is, and according to the comments on the website, there is plenty of interest for this kind of thing. My favorite comment, incidentally, is the one where a buyer inquires as to whether the toy's toes are "strong enough to hold bees." I'd like to think this is a troll, but somehow, I suspect the dude clumsily typed that message while wearing a beekeeper's outfit, sitting in some strange bee-themed cellar dungeon where he keeps his victims.

Is ... is this who we are now, people? We're taking what are essentially horror movie props and making them fuckable to quiet down the voices in our heads? That's shooting way above your everyday "generic sociopath" territory and veering dangerously close to outright supervillainy. I mean, the only thing I can imagine would be worse than that fucking footgina would be ... you know, I can't even tell. Maybe an actual severed head with a screwable windpipe? Luckily, humanity is not yet so far gone that we'd even consider making a deranged-ass product like th-

... I, uh, I think we're done here. Brain bleach, anyone?

Pauli regrets to inform he already used all the bleach. There might be more on his Facebook and Twitter pages.

For more from Pauli, check out 4 Supporting Characters That Deserve Their Own Movies and 5 Ways the Alcohol Industry Tricks You Into Drinking Garbage.

What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror, the third book in David Wong's John Dies at the End series, is available now!