5 Pop Culture Sex Toys That Can't Be Arousing To Anyone

5 Doctor Who

Out of all the characters on this list, the Doctor is perhaps the only one whose presence makes at least some inkling of sense. He's been played by enough actors that virtually anyone who's into dudes at all can find one of his incarnations sexy. Even better, his signature weapon / deus ex machina, the sonic screwdriver, is basically a superpowered dildo. Called a sonic screwdriver. It's right there, people! Surely the vast and sticky world of rogue sex toy manufacturers is teeming with buzzing versions of the thing.

Or not. Perhaps fearing that someone would assume they're underachieving, or even worse, that they can't come up with a sexier name than the one the thing already has, no sex toy makers that I could find have taken the bait and created flashing, multi-functioning Doctor-themed vibrators. Instead, here's a goddamned TARDIS butt plug. That ... doesn't even make any sense. Why would you want to stick the hero's clunky vehicle in your butt? Ah, that was stupid of me to ask. We live in a world where Pteranodon porn is a thing, so I suppose I should be grateful that's not an actual replica. Then again, I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere, is shoving a TARDIS scale model up their butt right now, so uh, let's not pursue that train of thought any longer.

And of course that damn Etsy plug is not the only TARDIS-related Doctor Who sex toy out there. Consider the Tickler, which is a custom-designed TARDIS dildo, because really, did you expect anything else?

Yes, now you too can own and/or commission your very own TARDIS trapped in the mass of a rather suspect, semi-transparent orifice mauler, allowing you to finally grant the good Doctor a view he's guaranteed to not have seen before in his however-the-hell-old-he-is-after-last-season years of zipping across the universe. Are you happy now? Actually, don't answer that.

4 Star Wars

The picture above is the saddest BDSM toy that you'll ever see: a lightsaber-inspired spanking whip. Please let that sentence sink in for a moment. Star Wars is arguably the least sexy popular franchise in the history of entertainment. Apart from Leia's fleeting gold bikini antics and that one slave girl who gets fed to the rancor in Return Of The Jedi, there are precious few things that could be considered "hot" in the traditional sense. Except for Han Solo. Everyone agrees that Han Solo is hot -- or that he was, until Harrison Ford got that earring and turned 167. So, you know, not much sexiness going around, as franchises go.

You know what else is the exact opposite of hot? Fifty Shades Of Grey. Alas, this glorified fan fiction is ruling current mainstream culture with an iron claw, and has misled enough confused people about what BDSM is (Hint: It's nothing like Fifty Shades Of Grey) to turn marginal spankin' gear like paddles and whips into products that you can casually pick up at Target. They're even put on displays that the kind of people who read horrible wank literature can drool herpes over.

So, according to the laws of batshit madness, it was merely a matter of time before someone took the "Hey, spanking is popular now" ball and jammed it up the butt of another, equally unsexy franchise. The end result is lightsaber whips.

Note that I'm not saying they're bad products; just bad sex toys. Be honest: Would you use a lightsaber whip? Yes. I know I would. But for sex? Shit no. That thing is for drunkenly Indiana Jonesin' apples off the top of friends' heads while everyone makes lightsaber noises with their mouths -- at least, until one friend is accidentally smacked across the face and retaliates by dropkicking you out of the window. Maybe you'll find that sexy. I won't judge.

3 Batman

You know what they say: If you can be Batman, always be Batman. So you know what? Fuck it. Be Batman. Take the Caped Cock dildo as your batarang, imagine for a while that your rusting 1970s Yugo is the Batmobile, and head for Taiwan. Why Taiwan? Because of the hotel with a sex Batcave.

By now, you know where this is going. You've seen your share of Halloweens, so you know how many slutty Batman and Joker and Harley Quinn and Catwoman costumes there are out there. Chances are you have at least one in your closet right now. So go and get changed. The time has come to bone Batman style, which, as we all know, is serious, latex-coated, and involves a lot of changing partners. Just remember to keep up the mood by grabbing a Batman voice modulator so you can whisper sweet nothings to your significant other with the unmistakable, throat-cancery gravel gurgle of movie Batmen.

2 The Simpsons

I fully admit that I'm cheating with this one a bit, because it's not a sex toy per se. Incidentally, "perse" means "ass" in Finnish, so in a small way, that sentence made us all winners. Or losers, if you're not into stuff. Like I said, I won't judge.

As an absurdly long-running cartoon series, The Simpsons has been subject to more than a little Rule 34. No, I'm not going to link to any. It's easy enough to find, should you really be in that jaded stage of solo boning where nothing short of crappy fanmade pictures of jaundiced overbite monsters fuckin' will do. As for sex toys, the old proverb applies: Anything's a Simpsons sex toy if you're brave enough and have a big ol' bucket of bright yellow paint. I have no doubt that there are Simpsons masturbatory devices, but it's not as if they're going to be all that interesting. They'd be pretty regular, only yellow and slightly off in a way you can't quite put a finger on.

"Yellow" and "off," incidentally, are terms that fit very well in the masturbatory aid we are going to focus right now: The Simpsons live action porn.

These days, every single movie has a porn version. When Guardians of the Galaxy hit the cinemas, literally everyone could predict that it would get a This-Ain't-Avatar-style porn version by the time the DVD came out, and even called the fact that Groot would just be a giant wooden dick. However, the worst we can expect from those is the dread of whether they've made Rocket Raccoon a straight-up furry. The Simpsons porn is a different beast altogether.

Hailing from the musky depths of simpler times (2011), the Simpsons Porn Parody somehow manages to be the exact opposite of the uncanny valley, yet retain the creepiness. It brings dead-eyed, soulless characters alive in a far too efficient manner, while doing its level best to keep the whole thing as cartoon-like as possible. For the dimebag production it no doubt was, its set, makeup, and costumes are uncannily Simpsonian, to the point where your brain keeps insisting that the action on the screen should give way to everyone just wandering away to protest the monorail or something.

It doesn't help that the whole movie is seen through the eyes of Homer Simpson, and the "plot" is tied together by an altogether way too accurate impression of his speech. Take a moment to think about Homer's catchphrases, particularly "D'oh!" and that drooly, guttural groan he lets out whenever he sees beer or peanuts or whatever. Are those noises you wish to hear while staring at bright, base color genitalia? Too bad, because you're going to.

1 The Avengers

At the time of writing, Age Of Ultron is about to punch the very concept of cash flow in the face. Unless there's, I don't know, a nuclear war or something by the time you read this, the movie should have made roughly, oh, all the money. Much like many other successful "things explode" franchises, romance in the Avengers universe is largely downplayed, yet everyone is sexy as hell. Yes, even Ultron. Especially Ultron. So of course Avengers-themed sex toys emerged as soon as the first movie came out. Many geek girls (and a ton of geek guys, don't pretend that you didn't) were thrilled a while ago when pictures of the Avengers series of sex toys emerged online.

Slim, sleek, and streamlined, these devices are mainly associated with their respective Avengers by their color patterns and particular functions -- apart from the Hulk, because let's be honest, there's really only one way to do a Hulk sex toy, and I think we all know what that is.

Unfortunately for the no doubt vast hordes of potential buyers, those Avengers sex toys were merely a Tumblr art project by a guy called Sarmai. We should have known, really ... because the real Avengers fuck devices are much more ... to the point. An enterprising manufacturer has indeed taken upon itself to peddle vividly colored superhero dongs, more or less like the ones Sarmai presumably thought he was just making up, but way, way more crude and uncomfortable-looking. As NSFW as the subject matter of this column is, I'm not going to include too many pictures of them -- they're basically a bunch of way-too-veiny dicks with Play-Doh colors, named and packaged in a manner that is so blatantly designed to dodge copyright issues that Marvel might as well sue the company for insulting their intelligence.

And then there is The Hammer.

Yes friends, that is a corkscrew dildo Mjolnir, and yes, someone is actually making those with the intent of selling them. There's no way you can convince me that right now, a hilarious misunderstanding has left a dude banging doornails with one and wondering about the funky smell and vibrations, while another has shoved the shaft of an actual mallet up his butt and is learning the drawbacks of rectal splinters first hand. It just doesn't get any worse than that.

That is, unless you're Spider-Man, whose signature sex toy is apparently a knockoff Fleshlight that sticks to a wall.

No matter how he'll be a movie Avenger one day, Peter Parker just can't catch a fucking break.

Pauli is on Facebook, Twitter, and your mom.

For more from Pauli, check out 4 Strange Problems Only Celebrities Seem To Have and 5 Real Vehicles That Only Fictional Superheroes Should Drive.

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