5 More Rock Radio Classics That Actually Suck
Last week, I wrote a column called 5 Rock Radio Classics That Actually Suck about rock radio favorites I always assumed were good until I broke them down critically. Well, as came as a surprise to no one, the list sure did piss some people off. And in the comments (that I read with masochistic delight) I was accused of being a fan of both Nickelback and 
Start Me Up by The Rolling Stones
I know. The Stones. How could I? Well, first off let me say that I didn't. I didn't put The Rolling Stones on a list; I put Start Me Up on a list. And I'll get to that in a moment, but as long as we're talking about the Stones...I'll be the first to admit that The Rolling Stones have about fifteen to twenty absolutely sensational pop rock songs: Satisfaction, Sympathy for the Devil, Wild Horses, Paint it Black, 19th Nervous Breakdown. . . but they've been a band for over 40 years. The Beatles put out that many great songs on just three album sides. And the other thing that always rubbed me the wrong way about the Stones was that unlike the Beatles or Pink Floyd --whose sound evolved by breaking new ground-- the Stones were always caving to what was already fashionable. When they wanted to break into America after The Beatles, they recorded The Beatles song I Want To Be Your Man sounding a lot like the Beatles. When the Beatles went psychedelic in 1967 with songs like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds the Stones did 2000 Light Years From Home
Ouch
"When It's Love" by Van Halen
I put this song here for two reasons: 1) Because it really, really sucks; and 2) as my personal apology to David Lee Roth. Let me explain:When I was a small boy, Van Halen were rock gods. Jump and Panama were massive hits and Davie Lee Roth was everywhere with his ass-shaking antics and over the top smarm. When Van Halen broke up, Eddie Van Halen did an excellent job of vilifying Diamond Dave just as he would do with Sammy Hagar years later. I realize now that this is mostly likely because Eddie Van Halen is a douchebag, but at the time, I listened to every word. And I heard all these stories about how Eddie wanted to grow as an artist and do serious compositions, but that Dave just cared about goofing off and screaming over records. So I welcomed Sammy Hagar as the new lead singer of Van Halen, and it seemed like Eddie was right because the new Van Halen was more earnest and the new Davie Lee Roth was like an exercise in self-parody. But by the time When It's Love came out on the OU812 album, I realized something that apparently David Lee Roth knew all along:Van Halen's music is not supposed to be taken seriously. Eddie Van Halen may be one of the greatest guitarists in rock history, but his compositions sure are all things cheesy. Van Halen NEEDS a frontman like David Lee Roth who gets what makes music fun."Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard
OK, Def Leppard fans. Before you crucify me right while I'm in the middle of having sex (or maybe not having sex) with your mom, listen closely: Def Leppard has done some great things. 1983's Pyromania is a great album. Photograph is one of the greatest hard rock/pop songs ever written. But Pour Some Sugar On Me is from 1987's Hysteria. And while Pyromania and Hysteria have a lot of the same letters in common, the differences between them are as significant as having an ejaculation versus getting an inoculation. It's hard to give objective proof of why the song sucks such hard, I mean other than pointing to the pool of blood dripping from your ears after it's played, but I'll try. First off, "pour some sugar on me" is arguably the gayest rock metaphor ever written. And I don't mean gay as in lame (although it's that too). I mean gay as in homosexual. Unless, we're talking about the rare phenomenon of the female squirting orgasm, "pour some sugar on me" sounds like a request to have a starring role in an all dude Bukkake film. And hey, that's fine. Faith No More have had some very effective homoerotic lyrics ("you're the master and I take it on my knees," and "if I tighten up my hole you may never see the light again") but I kinda feel like Joe Elliot wasn't quite aware of the image he was creating.Also, the lyrics were composed by Joe Elliot and producer Mutt Lange rambling stream of conscious nonsense words into dictaphones"Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen
Bruce Springsteen is a legend. Born to Run, Thunder Road, and even later songs like Streets of Philadelphia truly speak to the Boss's overt talent and secure his place in the history of great folk and rock singer/songwriters. He's actually a pretty good guitarist too and, of course, a legendary performer.And while it's true that during junior high school a bunch of Springsteen fans called me a "fag" for liking Davie Bowie, this is not a petty attempt to have my revenge. Glory Days off 1984's Born in the USA album is quite simply proof that the plastic mentality and musical wasteland of the 1980s can even tarnish a legend. That's the only way to explain the steaming turd that is Glory Days.
I'm not sure how they got that idea about me...
"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day
First some housekeeping. Again, the premise of these columns is dumping on songs that have been perennial favorites on classic rock radio and don't deserve that status. Whether you call Green Day punk (if you like being wrong and don't understand punk) or whether you call them cheesy guitar-based pop (if you want to be right) the simple fact is since their debut in the 90s until today, Green Day has always been played on classic rock radio.I'll admit it. Unlike the other four bands on this list, I generally dislike this band, and, hey, that's my opinion right. And you'll give your opposite opinion in the comments and tell me not to give my opinion because allegedly people aren't suppose to give opinions on Cracked, and then we'll both fall to our death and die on your M.C. Escher staircase of faulty logic.But Green Day basically always got on my nerves for writing pure pop songs and claiming to be punk. Stepping on a distortion pedal and affecting a ridiculous pseudo sex pistols accent doesn't make you a punk band. I was content to just say, "Oh, Green Day. You're inoffensive. You write pleasant little power pop songs," but they really held to that "we're punk" thing in the 90s and yeah , it bugged me. And I couldn't even vent this anger by writing semi-literate growling comments on the blog posts of anyone who praised them as a punk band, because we didn't really have the Internet in '94 when they broke big so y'know I had to like just talk to people in real life. GRRRRRR.Gladstone is Cracked.com's Senior Resident Warlock. Follow him on Twitter. And then there's the Internet Apocalypse fan page. He has a website too.
