5 Internet Prescribed 'Cleanses' That Made Me Immortal
I want to live forever. My superiority in nearly every facet of life feels like a mistake committed by nature and I would be a fool to trade that in. Plus, without me around to regularly remind the world of my achievements, I worry that humanity will forget my name, my contributions to society, my land speed records.
And now, I gift it to you.
The Master Cleanse
What sounds suspiciously like a synonym for the Final Solution is actually a diet surprisingly diverse in the color of its ingredients. The Master Cleanse consists of lemon juice, water, cayenne pepper and maple syrup and tastes exactly as awful as you would expect it to. You are permitted to drink twelve glasses of the spicy, thick lemonade a day but I allowed myself more to start since I technically threw up the first batch. I can't stress enough how terrible it is. You may have to constantly remind yourself that immortality is on the line.
Oil Pulling
Oil pulling by name alone, may sound like something at which you could show tremendous proficiency. I thought so too. The actual cleanse, however, is more underwhelming in practice; it involves swishing vegetable oil around in your mouth for twenty minutes every morning. Pollutants, as it turns out, love oil more than anything and swim out of your teeth and gums to get to it. Now, you may be apprehensive about the prospect of dragging every awful thing up through your face before expelling it because that seems like the one area you'd want to quarantine. Still, it will ultimately be worth it.
The Liver Cleanse
Here's a neat detox I found online. It involves drinking straight oil to remove gallstones. It also calls for fruit pectin which you'll get from lemon juice in the Master Cleanse. So take that, toxins.
The Ion Foot Detox Bath
This neat cleanse will allow you to flank the toxins with a surprise attack from your feet. An IonClense bath will cost between $500 and $1000 and it promises to suck all the dirtiness out of your body by way of some ionized water. It utilizes electrical currents to drive all the toxins out and you will know it's working because the water turns brown each time you use it. On my first day of owning one, I used it twenty-two times.
The Coffee Enema
After a full week of combat you are ready for the secret weapon, the Enola Gay in the battle against impurities, the
ER Visit
It's a good idea at the end of your week-long cleanse to get a checkup from a doctor. She will be privately impressed by the cleanliness of your insides but tell you that she is checking to be certain you haven't done any "irreparable damage" to your vital organs. Now, that doctor will also probably tell you that cleanses can be extremely dangerous, particularly when you combine five at a time, but remember that it's all propaganda spilling out of a puppet of western medicine. If that doctor admitted that your cleanse just made you invincible, she would be out of a job. So think that over.
