5 Idiotic Misconceptions About Calling Customer Service
Based in part on my own torturous years of answering telephones for a living, here are five stupid things you probably believe about calling customer service.
The Customer Is Always Right
Pictured: The only reason to own a smartphone. So let me ask you, the potential customers in this scenario: If you're handed paperwork that says using your phone in Canada will cost you more than North Korea spends on parades in a year and you fail to read it, whose fault is it when you come back from Canada with a $5,000 phone bill? Right, it's your fault. You had the information there in front of you and chose to ignore it in favor of tracking down the wackiest ringtone you could find. But you're going to call and complain anyway. Why? Because the customer is always right! Except that's a lie. The customer is not always right. Not in the scenario I just mentioned, and not in countless other situations. Recently, in England, some dude was kicked out of a bar for refusing to put his cigarette out. Was he right to refuse this request, even though he was in a nonsmoking establishment? Furthermore, was he right when he returned later and started chasing the other bar patrons around with a fucking chainsaw
Ditto for the McNugget rage lady.
Customer Service Doesn't Care About Helping You
"How can I help you propel me toward a debilitating addiction today?" So, they get it. You're both on the same team. You have a problem with a company that in all likelihood they hate more personally and intimately than you ever could. Of course, I can't speak for customer service reps in India or the Philippines, because I've never worked in an overseas call center. But I'm assuming they just hate America in general, like the rest of the world. So you should still have them in your pocket. It's fine to go into a customer service call with somewhat of a battlefield mentality. But just understand, that customer service rep who hates the company they work for can be your ally on that battlefield. But they probably won't be, and that will be all your fault. Why? Because there's one rule of calling customer service that just about every asshole on the planet lives by ...
Screaming Like a Lunatic Is Your Best Option
This is not what I had in mind when I Google "burning man." It's common sense. How do you feel when a person approaches you with a problem and, instead of just talking about it rationally, they start flaring their nostrils and calling you a fuckwad? Are you more willing to help, or are you more inclined to punch that person in the stomach and have a retaliatory affair with their wife? Customer service reps are no different. Ask for their help in a polite way, and they will bend over backward to try to resolve your issue. When a person is paid to take nonstop telephone abuse for eight hours per day, being that caller who doesn't talk to them like a pompous bitch makes you their temporary best friend. But if you immediately start screaming, the only thing they're going to do is hang on your every word hoping you curse so they can hang up on you while simultaneously emailing their co-workers about the maniac (you) losing their shit on the phone because they had to pay a $30 copay on a $10,000 medical bill. If that example seems oddly specific, it's because I actually took that call. And I laughed at the guy. But maybe you're not taking this advice to heart either, because you live by yet another popular mantra when it comes to calling customer service ...
Immediately Ask to Speak to a Supervisor
Please, not again. Customer service reps feel the same way about their bosses as you do about yours, and they're usually right. Whatever you're calling about, that customer service rep has probably dealt with the exact same problem on dozens of other phone calls. Meanwhile, their supervisor sits in a cubicle and monitors how much downtime each employee takes between calls so they can justify giving them a 2 percent raise instead of a 3 percent raise, thereby ensuring the department they're in charge of comes in under budget for the year. Even if they got that job by being the very best customer service rep in all the land, their days of actually taking phone calls regularly have long since passed. By not even entertaining the idea of telling the person who answered the phone what your problem is, you're basically ensuring that your call gets handed off to a person who is less knowledgeable about how to fix it. They will figure it out eventually, but not as quickly as the person who deals with horseshit like yours hundreds of times per day.
"Sounds like you just need to plug it in." Granted, there may come a time in any phone call when a supervisor will need to get involved, but the customer service rep will know when that time has come. If you can manage to keep things pleasant or at least somewhat businesslike, they'll just put you on hold and go ask that supervisor for the OK to do whatever it is you need done. I really can't stress this enough: Not being a dick is your best move when dealing not only with customer service representatives, but just people in general. And besides, if you immediately demand a supervisor and actually get one, what you've essentially done is identified yourself as a jackass. Except now, you're talking to a person who has no fear of repercussions for not helping you. If you at least give it a shot with the actual customer service rep at first, you can use the "transfer me to a supervisor" ploy as a backup. But if you start
If All Else Fails, Threaten to Take Your Business Elsewhere
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. Be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.
For more from Adam, check out 5 Horrifying Tales Of 911 Incompetence and 7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert.
