5 Current TV Shows That Get More Praise Than They Deserve
Listen, I get it. People like what people like, and, with so many options available, complaining about the inferior choices made by others is kind of pointless and petty when you could just as easily skip those things altogether in favor of something else. So, in that respect, that I'm about to spend a couple thousand words of column space explaining why the shows a lot of you enjoy are a little more beloved than they deserve to be might seem like kind of a dick move.
Again, I get that, but at the same time, no one's forcing you to read this, either, you know? It's not like the Internet community just moves on to the next article in relative silence when Cracked publishes something they find objectionable. If what happens in the comments section in those instances played out in real life, we'd have the National Guard at our office on a weekly basis. Glass houses, motherfuckers.
So, with that in mind, damn your television choices. That's the topic of discussion on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ...
... where I'm joined by Rotten Tomatoes editor Sarah Ricard and musician Danger Van Gorder from the band Countless Thousands. Our first order of business on the show, as it will be in this column, is to talk about the single most inexplicable success story on television today.
The Big Bang Theory
Who are you people? The people watching The Big Bang Theory, I mean. Show yourselves. The world demands explanation. I mean that, too. In every way, shape, and form, this is the Justin Bieber of television shows. It's massively popular, the highest-rated comedy on television, in fact. That means a lot of us are watching it, but go ask 10 of your friends if they do and see how many admissions of guilt you get. It's not going to be a huge number, and not just because huge numbers aren't really possible if you're only asking 10 people.
That's exactly how it should be, though. This is not fandom you should take pride in.
If you're unfamiliar, the basic problem with the show is that it's goddamn terrible. I said as much on Twitter recently and the outpouring of support I received will probably keep me depression-free for the next six years.
As you can clearly see, my devoted army of approximately 80 fans (on a good day) vehemently agrees with my assessment. Meanwhile, I didn't get much in the way of objections from fans of the show. So, what gives?
Easy: this is a show for old people who are curious about what life is like for their kids who never call them. While you're out there meeting dates on the Tinders and sending out Facetweets, your poor parents are at home, desperately hoping someone will tell them what those words mean, thus giving them some sort of means to reconnect with the child who abandoned them immediately upon turning 18.
You kids like your computers and so do those kids on this show -- you guys must be the same! Next thing you know, mom is shouting "Bazinga!" at the dinner table at Thanksgiving, confident that such an outburst isn't even going to make you vomit a little.
Fortunately, this presents a huge opportunity for a lot of us. If your dislike for The Big Bang Theory is such that you'd like to see it jettisoned from a prime-time lineup you don't watch anyway, there is one clear and present way to make that happen. Simply put, just start calling your mother.
A little bit of regular contact will keep your parents from seeking insights and information on the unfunny shores of The Big Bang Theory. They just want to know what life is like for their little pride and joy (that's you, believe it or not), and this show claims to have that information. Unfortunately, the only thing they're going to learn is that you enjoy obnoxious catchphrases and jokes that aren't actually funny (or jokes), as once displayed in a famous video of The Big Bang Theory with the laugh track edited out.
Don't let that video form your family's opinion of you. For all intents and purposes, The Big Bang Theory exists because you're all a bunch of shitty, inconsiderate kids who don't respect your parents. Call your family regularly and this show dies. It's as simple as that, you ungrateful bastards. Get to it.
Doctor Who
Is there anything on television right now that polarizes society quite like Doctor Who? There are only two sides you can be on in relation to this show -- either you hate it, or you're wrong.
Fortunately, I fall into the former category. No, I don't need to watch the first 37 seasons to get into it. No, it will not be better now that there's a "new doctor." Nothing that can ever happen will change my stance on this show.
I'm not even sure where to start as far as reasons why I can't stomach it. For one thing, has there ever been a time when this show didn't look like the most low-budget shit ever?
Doctor Who has been on the air since way back when your parents were still fucking. Special effects have been evolving that entire time, but you wouldn't really know it watching this public-access-looking nonsense. I get that when it first premiered back in the late 1800s or whatever the hell, having a phone booth for a spaceship and garbage cans for enemies made perfect sense. It's 2014 now, though. Update that shit.
Just look at that fucking thing. There are at least 15 people on the Cracked staff right now who could build a more menacing villain using nothing but spare shit we have lying around the office. I'd ask what the budget for this show is but I've been convinced for a long time now that it doesn't have one.
This staunch refusal to change shit is even more frustrating given the fact that "the doctor" turns into a completely different person every few years.
It's like a timeline of the history of boring.
If you're fine with making that kind of change, updating the shit happening around him shouldn't be that much of a stretch, right?
It will never happen, though. Doctor Who has had an untold number of decades to transform itself into something that doesn't look like a Saturday morning cartoon come to life and has made absolutely zero strides in that direction. Don't expect that to change anytime soon.
True Detective
OK, take it easy! Just hear me out. I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS A BAD SHOW. Who am I kidding, you're not even reading this anymore. That's fine, I'll explain anyway. True Detective was a fantastic show. The only thing that made it less enjoyable than it deserved to be was us.
I blame Lost. You remember that show, right?
This was the only part that made sense.
It's the reason we, as a society, are completely and totally unable to watch any show that holds even a scant amount of mystery without assuming there's some bigger meaning at hand. Every episode of Lost was just another step closer to us still not knowing what the fuck was going on. We sure as hell tried to figure it out, though, well before the series was even close to ending. There were entire websites dedicated to trying to make sense of it all. Unraveling the mysteries of Lost, at some point, became way more enjoyable than the show itself.
That's what we wanted True Detective to be, but I'm not really sure why. The name of the show is True Detective. What about that implies some kind of hidden twist or meaning? It was a buddy cop show, for all intents and purposes, and it was a damn fine one. That's especially true if you go back and watch it again without expecting to uncover the entire meaning of life every time you see the color yellow in the background.
All of the unnecessary research and analysis that surrounded that show was, ultimately, what made the ending seem like a disappointment. We were expecting so much more than two cops solving a case. That is completely our fault, though. We aren't content to just watch a television show anymore. We have to dissect it and study it and, hopefully, be the first one to post our mind-blowing theories to the Internet. This isn't a thing that every show requires, we just act like it is, and putting those kind of expectations on True Detective did nothing but set us up for unnecessary disappointment.
The worst part about it is, when True Detective returns for a second season, we'll probably do the exact same thing all over again.
Orange Is the New Black
How neat was it when the entire first season of Orange Is the New Black premiered on Netflix all at once? Fuck waiting. Let's just watch it all right now! It was a pretty brilliant idea, and it's also the only way that show would ever be watchable for an entire season.
If you don't believe me, try an experiment when the third season of Orange Is the New Black rolls around. Instead of watching every episode in one sitting, watch it like a regular series. Pick a day of the week, pick a time of day, and pledge to be in front of your television, watching Orange Is the New Black, at that same time every week. Once you've done all that, watch one episode at a time and see how long it takes you to stop caring about what happens to a single character on that show.
Look, I get that it's set in a prison, so the characters aren't supposed to be completely likable. Also, Jenji Kohan's last show, the goddamn amazing Weeds, was teeming with unlikable jerks too, so it's not a shock that the same dynamic is at work here. Sometimes you had to force yourself to like Nancy Botwin, but that was fine, because I fucking liked Nancy Botwin.
You know who I don't like? The lead actress on Orange Is the New Black. I've watched every single episode of that show, including the first season twice, and for the life of me I cannot be compelled to give a shit about anything relating to her, including her real name.
??????
I'm sure she's a fine person, but holy shit is that character a jackass. Yes, I know the character is based on a real person, and yes, I do assume she's as much of a jerk in real life. That makes it way harder to get behind her cause, you know?
So, that at least makes the fact that she's surrounded by a whole host of equally unenjoyable people kind of comforting. Still, it's not a minor thing that there is absolutely no one to root for on this show. Sure, it's neat that you can watch the entire season at once, but it's also absolutely vital to your enjoyment of the show. Sticking with a series week after week over the course of a few months is a big commitment. You have to remember dates and times and details. It's a relationship, basically, and Orange Is the New Black is not relationship material. It serves just fine as a one-night stand or a weekend fling, but it's nothing you'd want to move into your house or marry.
Give it a shot next season if you don't believe me. I give it a month before you lose interest completely.
The Walking Dead
Was anyone expecting anything else here? Holy shit, this show. I won't lie, I do watch The Walking Dead, but only so I can more accurately and effectively hate it.
Where to begin? First, let's start with giving it the one bit of credit it so rightly deserves -- the pilot was great. Unfortunately, it's been the exact same episode every week since then, and if you'd like to see an abbreviated version of every one of those episodes, just watch this:
Right, that's "Photograph," by Nickelback, and there is nothing separating it from any episode of The Walking Dead. It's just rednecks running around a shitty, deserted small town ...
... talking about their feelings ...
... and breaking into buildings no one wants to be in anyway ...
... all while a bunch of monsters make disgusting noises somewhere off in the distance.
Meanwhile, you're bored to tears and hoping everyone involved would just die already.
Yes, even Daryl.
I mean, correct me if I'm wrong on the details, but that seems like a pretty fair assessment of The Walking Dead to me. What am I missing? Zombies? Fuck zombies. There, I said it. Right here on Cracked, a site that wrote a book with "zombie" in the title, I would like to officially say: fuck zombies. I would gladly include them alongside things like bacon and the non-recreational benefits of hemp on the huge list of topics people can just shut right the fuck up about anytime now.
Here, I'll go first.
Follow Adam on Twitter and download his podcast and stop watching stupid television shows.
For more from Adam, check out 5 Modern Luxuries You Need to Stop Paying Full Price For and 4 Classic Horror Movies That Get More Love Than They Deserve.
Look, Adam can't hate all this hate on his own. Help spread his misanthropy by clicking the Facebook 'share' button below.
