5 Creepy Ways They're Replacing Humans with Robots
Brockway is on to you, robots.
I've covered the aberrant, appalling, amoral abominations that are robots many, many times before. And yet science still keeps making them. This forces me to conclude one of two things: Either I'm mistaken about the extent of my own influence as a pillar of the scientific community, or else scientists are choosing to ignore my warnings because I simply haven't brought forth enough logical data to prove that all robots are hateful automatons that burn our precious babies for fuel. Obviously, I choose to believe the latter, and so I shall now endeavor to correct that mistake by presenting, in a calm and rational matter, this totally factual, peer-reviewed, irrefutable evidence that machines want to steal your face.
Talking Robot Mouth
This is the Talking Robot Mouth, and it's intended as a robotic emulation of the mechanical process that humans use to produce speech. And yet it stills sounds like a wet Atari begging for death. Handy hint, scientists: When you plug in a machine and the first thing it does is scream, it's not time to enter beta testing, it's time to burn it and devote the rest of your life to apologizing to God through charity work. But, alas, science did not heed its own fight-or-flight reflexes and kept working on the TRM, and now, tragically, it's improving. The TRM listens to the noises it makes with a microphone and determines "by itself" what sounds it can produce that will make it more human. It's just a tube of rubber being intermittently poked at by pistons, and still
Saya the Teacher Robot
Look at those tiny, tiny idiots, poking a robot into a murder-rage. When asked why, oh God, why did they feel the need to bleach a corpse, drape it over a metal skeleton and then hurl it at the children, Saya's developers stated that "robots that look human tend to be a big hit with young children and the elderly." And there's your second hint: Robots are incapable of understanding the unique psychology of the aged, and so will frequently do baffling things like insist that old people really enjoy interacting with disconcerting, experimental technology. If you ever talk to someone and they say something like "Oh yeah, your grandpa will absolutely love this augmented reality app," then know that that "person" is actually a robot, and you need to shape your fingers into a point, then thrust at a spot midway between its shoulder blades, just below the base of the neck. That is its reset switch. Don't worry if it doesn't work at first; the button sticks a little, and you really have to get in there to set it off. Just keep at it! Humanity is depending on you.
Hobot
The Three Tenors
And now, what you've all been waiting for: the disembodied cyborg heads of three working-class British blokes who took a wrong turn into the Robot Music Factory (it's sorta like the C+C Music Factory, but with substantially more flesh-repurposing vats). So what did the robots do with their newfound singing ability? Why, they started tonelessly chanting about how they want their freedom, of course. I don't get it. I don't get it, you guys. I mean, I understand how we could permit the rampant cyber-hubris of Roombas and self-parking cars if the robots were still trying to be subtle. If they were still all cute, primitive, blocky, '80s-style machines that had not yet actively displayed a thirst for both autonomy and babymeat, I could understand thinking this "singing" bit was "cute" or "funny." But now the robots are openly admitting that they've killed three unemployed lorry drivers and are using their skinned faces to sing the battle hymn of the impending robo-revolution, and not one person in that museum is kicking over that table full of the blasphemous, tone deaf hate-avatars of industry and organizing an impromptu EMP party? That, sir, I do not and will not ever understand.Robot Babies
"But Brockway," I hear you asking, "if robots are grinding up our babies for fuel, why hasn't anybody noticed? Wouldn't there be a missing-baby epidemic engulfing, at the very least, all of Japan and the fancy parts of Germany?" I'm glad you asked, because the answer is frighteningly simple: Nobody's reporting the missing babies because the only thing robots love more than pulping our infants for fuel is impersonating them. Look:
IT'S NOT LIKE IT HUNGERS FOR THE CHARRED MEAT OF OUR CHILDREN OR ANYTHING. You just keep your head ensconced in that safe, warm sand, buddy. That's probably good practice for your new life as a drone on the silicon farms anyway.
You can buy Robert's other book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Or you could just laugh at this article and move on with your life ... which is exactly what a filthy robot would do!
For more from Brockway, check out 5 Real-World Mechs Straight out of Science Fiction and 5 Amazing Abandoned Wastelands ... Within Walking Distance.
