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January 31, 2011

In the superior hemisphere it's nearly spring again, and as Americans celebrate by shedding their jackets or falling in love in parks, the IRS is beginning its gradual warm up and stretching routine in preparation for some unparalleled raping. The recession, as we've heard from elected officials and local furniture stores, is over yet the United States is still seeped in debt. As a result, the Internal Revenue Service is grinning right now in pants-down anticipation to see the flimsy deductions and forged donation receipts you try to float past them this year.

"Hello. I'm looking forward to hurting you."

You naturally have a lot of questions about your money, and judging by the thousands of queries posed to Internet search engines this time of year, you're not alone. Some of these questions you may even be afraid to ask because they seem illegal or stupid and I want to assure you right now that they almost certainly are. But there's one man among us who won't judge you for your ignorance, a man whose knowledge base is equal parts fiscal responsibility and non-consensual sex in government institutions: my Uncle Frank

. He's here to offer advice based on the completely honest questions that real people have asked the Internet about money and taxes. My hope is that even if you learn nothing from his advice column, it still may provide you with some solace in knowing that there are thousands of people out there in worse shape than you.