4 Ways To Shirk Responsibility And Deceive Your Way to Trust
Long-time readers of Cracked have likely noticed a recent shift in tone toward the life affirming and optimistic. The columns that used to be about sex-fighting with clones and transvestite heroes throughout history are suddenly riddled with genuine advice and outstretched hands to readers stumbling into adulthood, into sobriety, into whatever it is Gladstone became.
Happiness is the Absence of Guilt
In a world of Haves and Have-Nots, you are unquestionably a Have which comes with an enormous burden. Homeless animals, starving people and a burning planet are all cultural wounds you have the capacity to dress with dollar bills. What's more, the Internet and the telephone have made the job even easier, but they've also saddled you with the knowledge that regardless of how much you give, it will never be the most you can do. You can't be a hero to everyone and that kind of guilt can be overwhelming. That's why I adhere to what I call the Zero Accountability Lifestyle. I throw money at far fewer problems than I will admit and even then, only at the causes that offer me some kind of recognition.
Morality Credits Are the Same as Effort
It's crucial to always pick at least one cause you can support, not because it helps you to become a better person, but because you will need it in your arsenal when the desperate and meek smell your competence. I, for instance, am a proud sponsor of Heifer International, a program which allows me to manifest my support for needy families around the world in the form of cows.
Forgiveness Can Be Weaponized
With all the innocence you're buying yourself with the first two tips, it's only natural that at some point another person will wrong you. They are, after all, not as strong as us. Now the predominant mentality in our culture is that everyone deserves forgiveness, that we should offer it liberally because there isn't one person among us who won't need it at some point. That's misguided, and more importantly, short-sighted. As anyone who's taken an economics class can tell you, a surplus of any one thing will immediately cause inflation and a cheapening of the product. So thanks to the "turn the other cheek" attitude, forgiveness has lost its value in the moral market.Fortunately, you can use that to your advantage. While everyone else showers you with compassion and leniency, you can be stingy with your own, which will not only drive up the price but result in power as well. Let's say, for instance, that your long-time girlfriend or boyfriend has left you for someone else. And just for the sake of specificity, let's say it was someone who worked in the medical field and that he's a complete dick. Thanks to the social norm, she's going to anticipate that at some point you will stop sending pictures of road kill or standing outside her window trying to make your sobs sound like the wind.
Everyone Will Confuse Self-Inflicted Inconvenience with Personal Betterment
Culturally speaking, we are in love with stories of struggle because we want to believe it's always followed by reward. What most people refuse to acknowledge, however, is that struggle doesn't just work in one direction, it can drift anywhere, even into the asinine. That's why you'll notice people around you setting up arbitrary hurdles in their lives just to jump over them and feel better about themselves. Raw foodists, cleansing enthusiasts, and likely real hurdle jumpers all insist that their life choices are making them something other than miserable, that they are taking the hard road toward personal improvement. But they are wrong.
