4 People Who Crafted Brilliant X-Rated Art
Dicks are the great artistic equalizer. They can be drawn by the talentless and the artist alike. Sometimes, a poorly drawn dick is better than a photoreal dick stroked into existence by the quill of a dick artisan. Drawing a dick feels natural. The outline of it flows from the pen like a signature. I'd argue that we are all born with the knowledge of how to draw dick embedded into our DNA. One day, scientists will find the genome responsible for this, and I implore them to crank that bitch up.
As effortless as dicks are to draw, there are some people out there who put extra effort into crafting their penile masterpieces. I will now honor these heroes, who have elevated this pastime from mere profane doodling to true art.
A Man Drew A Dick A Day For A Year
There isn't much known about the magnificent artist behind one of the greatest displays of cock artistry known to man. All we know is why he did it. This stranger had a wife who brought home a whiteboard. Whatever noble goal she intended to reach with this was tossed out when her husband came up with a better use: He was going to draw a dick a day for an entire year. Over nearly six minutes of footage, viewers are treated to the breathtaking array of dicks he drew in a series of tableaux worthy of being showcased in the Louvre, or at least in one of its toilet stalls.
Just as Picasso went through artistic phases in an endless purist of artistic expression, so too did the mysterious dick artist. He went through his Dicks As Animals period.
His Dicks As Dinosaurs phase.
A Dicks As Pro Wrestlers phase.
His Mythological Dick Creatures stage.
A Food Dicks phase.
His Medieval Siege Weaponry Dicks phase.
And then he honored the ever-evolving artists who came before him by adding dicks to their greatest works.
And all of that was only within the first 100 days/dicks. Then they get a little violent. About halfway through the experiment, you can see the artist becoming frustrated in his pursuit for originality. His dick imagery becomes filled with violence and torture. Dicks being hammered to a bloody pulp. Dicks being flayed with scalpels. Dicks being burned alive, being gnawed on by rats, being stepped on with stiletto heels, as the Twin Towers on 9/11.
A nonviolent personal favorite.
The torment and destruction of dicks went on for a couple weeks. Eventually he made it through this difficult patch and rediscovered the childlike wonder of drawing dicks all over again.
I'm sorry. I meant the dicks were childlike.
A Hero Created Dicks With His Voice
Is drawing exclusively the stroke of a pencil on paper or a brush on canvas? Before now, that question would have been answered with a resounding no. But true artists don't take no for an answer. They push beyond the limits of "no" until they make an artistic breakthrough and discover that yes, it is possible to draw a dick with your voice. A dick that looks like it swallowed a Slinky.
Mackscorner is a YouTube Let's Play channel. On Christmas Eve 2014, Mack uploaded a video inconspicuously titled "Behind the scenes footage of Mack before he records a video." While waiting for a game to download, he was messing around with the free audio recording program Audacity when he discovered he could use the power of his voice to grunt like a moose in the thralls of mind-blowing sexual ecstasy and draw a penis in the waveforms created by his vocal patterns. What followed is about five minutes of some of the dumbest shit that has ever been recorded, but I'll be damned if it isn't brilliant. It takes a few minutes to get going, but give it time. It's worth it.
Since vocal penis drawing is the sport and art of the future, I had to give it a shot. I fired up my copy of Audacity and shouted gibberish so loudly that my neighbors thought I was trying to cast spells to conjure a pile of dicks I could roll around in like fall leaves. Here are my results:
My first attempts weren't great, but I was just loosening the vocal cords.
After making some adjustments to my pitch and tone, I started to produce something a little bit more dick-like. Something I could be proud of.
I lengthened the sound I made for the balls so they could have more depth and weight. As a side effect, I neglected the shaft girth and would up cultivating a collection of decent-looking chubby-stubbies.
Once I nailed the head, it was just a matter of bringing all the elements together to form one all-encompassing sonic penis. I'm proud to say that this is my final result:
The balls could be better, it's wearing a cock ring, and overall it looks like a pawn, but I really nailed the head. Without a well-defined head, a penis is just a mole rat.
GPS Dicks
Thanks to the hard work of two pioneers who proved that people can accomplish anything if they set their minds to it, we now know that GPS programs which log our movements can be used to draw really big dicks.
Claire Wyckoff wears Nike+ enabled running gear which traces her jogging path onto a map. So Claire used satellite technology that major corporations spent billions of dollars to build and billions more to launch into the Earth's orbit to draw cocks.
The shapes, girths, lengths, and degrees of engorgement of the dicks she draws depend on the streets she's jogging. Every neighborhood offers an opportunity to reveal the hidden dicks its designers had no idea they were building into America.
While Claire's doing her part to ensure dicks are well-represented on the streets of America, there's another hero out there, this one yet again anonymous, who's dared to draw penises where they'd never been drawn before: the sky.
FlightRadar24 is an app and website which tracks the flight path of every plane currently in the air. On March 12, 2015, someone using it noticed an interesting path being carved into the skies over Lakeland, Florida. It was a dick. Its balls were well-defined, and its head had a nice shape, even though was missing a peehole.
It's trying to pee on Tallahassee.
I like to imagine the mysterious pilot was a filthy-rich Disney World executive who departed from Kissimmee in his private plane for a relaxing 1 a.m. flight when immaturity got the best of him. He drew a dick and then hightailed it to the panhandle, giggling all the way. He's living the dream.
Drawing Dicks On The Herald Sun
EDITORIAL NOTE! The drawings in this section are so detailed and profane that we had to censor them. To see them all in their unsheathed, naked cock glory, visit the link Luis provides below. -- Chad Editguy
Every low art has a loftier version out there. For all the ugly, unimaginative dicks drawn on the mouths of people on bus stops ads, there exists a counterpoint that elevates the immature act into the realm of magnificence. I am, of course, talking about a group of dozens of artists who contribute to an ongoing project called "Drawing Dicks on The Herald Sun."
In 2012, Dylan Merritt and Jeremy Bassett were co-workers who bonded over their shared love of inserting dicks into the pictures in the Australian tabloid newspaper The Herald Sun. They turned it into a Facebook group, which quickly became popular. Facebook has tried to ban it several times. Probably because of all the highly detailed and just straight-up vicious-looking dicks that would randomly show up on people's feeds. What kind of person would find these amazing dicks offensive?
A dick, that's who.
Luis is busy creating what he calls "the Sistine Chapel of dick." In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.
For more dong-related goodness check out The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible) and 7 X-Rated Traditions That Prove History Was Horny As F#@%.
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