4 Hilarious Scenes Left Out of Comic Book Movies
Conventional nerd wisdom says that the more Hollywood changes a comic book they're adapting, the greater the amount of balls it's going to suck. Look at movies like Catwoman, Constantine, or LXG -- they all made inexplicable changes to the source material, and according to Box Office Mojo's stats, each of them sucked over 75,000 donkey balls (Wikipedia's "List of Films by Most Donkey Balls Sucked" page says LXG sucked a record-breaking 101,837, but the claim is unsourced).
But, despite being a well-documented nerd, even I have to admit that sometimes, even if the original comic is a classic, the changes are for the best. There are things that the comic book medium can pull off which simply wouldn't work on the big screen, mainly because comics can get silly as fuck, you guys. Here are some scenes that I'm glad exist in comic book form, but I'm thankful they didn't get adapted.
What They Got from the Comics:
The basic plot of The Avengers (the 2012 movie) is the same as The Avengers #1 (the 1963 comic), give or take some explosions and Galaga references: Loki, Thor's brother and the god of trickery, manipulates a bunch of superheroes as part of an evil plan, thus causing them to band together and kick his ass.
"I am bad at evil plans."
Despite spending a big chunk of the plot punching each other instead of the villain, the superheroes decide to stay together as the Avengers. As in the movie, the team in the comic is composed of Iron Man (back when he was chubbier and completely yellow), Hulk, Thor, and Captain Ame-
Wait, who the fuck is this joker?!
What They Left Out:
That joker is Ant-Man, named like that because he has the "power" of shrinking to the size of an ant. Beside him is his assistant/love interest, The Wasp, who also turns tiny but at least gets some wings in return. Ant-Man, on the other hand, has to get around by using exploited ants as skis. I can see why they left him out of the movie: He would have been even less useful than Hawkeye and Black Widow during the big fight scene in New York.
"Hey, where's An- whoops."
Despite being universally recognized as the leader and soul of the team, Captain America doesn't show up until issue #4 ... but the thing is, they don't really need him in the fight against Loki, because Ant-Man saves the day. Actually, that's not accurate: Ant-Man's ants save the day. Just regular ants that he talks to, the way Aquaman talks to aquatic animals. How do the ants save the day? Well, at the end of the comic the heroes think they've got Loki cornered, but he turns himself radioactive and starts killing them (which was a thing he could have done at any point, apparently). The mighty Avengers are completely at the mercy of Loki. The team is over before it even started.
That's when the ants open a trapdoor under Loki, drop him into some sort of furnace, and lock him inside.
While Ant-Man helpfully commentates on what they're already doing.
At this point, Thor probably invited the ants to join the Avengers, but they were too busy ruining someone's cereal, so the team settled for that Ant-Man assclown. Am I being too hard on the little guy? Probably, but I have to make fun of him while I can before Edgar Wright and Paul Rudd make him cool in his upcoming movie (though I should have learned my lesson after my ill-fated 2007 article, "7 Reasons Why Iron Man Is Stupid and No One Likes Him and Never Will").
It Gets Sillier:
Another big difference between the Avengers movie and comic? I'm pretty sure the movie skipped the part where Hulk tries to go incognito and joins a circus masquerading as a robot clown juggling horses and elephants.
"Yes, no one will look at me twice now. I am great at secret identities."
What They Got from the Comics:
The Dark Knight Rises, that long-ass Christopher Nolan movie with dramatic music in every scene (you know, the one with Michael Caine in it?), is based on several Batman comics storylines, but mainly the one where a big guy called Bane shows up in Gotham City one day and breaks Batman's back.
"Hey there, what's your gimmick? Bring any henchmen toda- ARGH!"
Batman spends several months recuperating abroad until his spine basically fixes itself and he's ready to resume his Batmanning. Eventually he beats Bane in a rematch and then Bane dies, obviously, because there's no more use for the character anymore.
What They Left Out:
Wait, no. That's in the movie. In the comics Bane survives and, having no idea what to do with the character now, the writers said "fuck it" and came up with a plot where he thinks he might be Batman's little brother.
They even got a portrait made in the style of the poster for Step Brothers.
See, that's what happens in comics when a character specifically created for one storyline is allowed to hang around for years and years: His plotlines get increasingly silly until they reach soap opera-esque proportions. In this case, Bane goes on a long quest to find out who his father was, until one day he comes across a photo of his mom with some guy called Dr. Thomas Wayne. As in Thomas "Let's Take a Shortcut Through This Dark Alley, It Looks Really Safe" Wayne, father of Bruce. Alfred confirms that Batman's dad did visit the island where Bane grew up, roughly nine months before his birth, to provide the locals with his special brand of "medical relief."
"Also, one time, he fucked a penguin. Wonder what happened to that ugly kid."
So how does Batman react to one of his biggest enemies making a claim like that? By punching Bane in his shriveled, steroid-filled balls and throwing him out of the city he once threatened to destroy with a clean-energy-device-turned-nuclear-bomb, right? Nope: He lets Bane stay at Wayne Manor, lends him a batmobile, and takes him out on patrols like he's courting a new Robin. To be fair, Bane did chill out considerably during this period, and even started calling himself Wayne. Just Wayne. Wayne who likes to party.
Party on, Bane.
Of course, a few issues later the DNA test Bane and Batman ordered comes back negative, and Bane goes off to continue his dadquest. But the damage is done: He isn't quite so intimidating after you've seen him in a polo shirt.
It Gets Sillier:
More-recent storylines have Bane discovering his tender side and trying his hand at romance -- which is completely awesome, actually, but try to imagine the following dialogue in Tom Hardy's muffled voice:
You'll know you did it correctly if you never feel aroused ever again.
Man of Steel -- Superman Kills a Villain, Turns Hispanic
What They Got from the Comics:
Spoilers if you haven't seen Man of Steel, or if you've only seen the destruction-porn scenes at Google Image Search or Mr. Skin: At the end of the movie Superman breaks his no-killing rule by wasting General Zod (who was basically Hitler with eye lasers and flying powers). It's the most controversial scene in the movie, because Superman would never do anything like that in the comics ... except in the 1988 one where he totally did. Same guy and all.
And two other people who just happened to be passing by.
The method of execution is different (kryptonite in the comic and a broken neck in the film), but the context for Superman's decision is the same: Zod smugly says he'll never stop being a murderous dickwad, and Superman goes, "Oh, yeah? Well-" *murders him* ... and then feels just terrible about it.
That or he's shitting on Zod's corpse, I'm not sure.
What They Left Out:
Movie Superman is apparently a lot better at putting things behind him than comic book Superman. In Man of Steel, two minutes after Zod's death Superman is making out with Lois Lane among the rubble, so he seems pretty OK now. In the comic, however, he spends pages sitting in a dark room thinking about what he did and sleep-trashing his apartment while having crazy nightmares about Zod.
Fun fact: Half of all images of Superman are also poop faces, apparently.
Eventually, Superman finds only one way of coping with what he did: developing the split personality of Gangbuster, a Hispanic nunchaku-wielding vigilante who goes around beating criminals every night. Unfortunately, there's already another Gangbuster out there who doesn't appreciate Superman cribbing his style, even if Superman has no idea he's doing it. Because he's crazy.
"I would have cribbed Batman's style, but I'm not suicidal."
Upon being confronted with the fact that he's clearly had a mental breakdown and shouldn't be around people anymore, Superman takes that literally and exiles himself in space for several months, until he comes across a Kryptonian gizmo called the Eradicator that helps him get his head straight. Shockingly, it later turns out that the Eradicator isn't as benign as its name suggests, and it manipulates Superman into becoming the cold and brutal Krypton Man. It's only then, after subduing his second split personality (two years after this storyline started), that Superman finally makes peace with having killed Zod.
Now, don't get me wrong: I love this period in Superman comics. I have a whole Tumblr just to talk about it. But do I wanna see all this glorious mess in movie form? Nope. Partly because they couldn't do a long and convoluted storyline like this justice in two, four, or even eight hours, and partly because I really don't need to see Henry Cavill made up to look Hispanic.
It Gets Sillier:
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention one thing: While self-exiled in space, Superman grows a sweet hobo beard and becomes a gladiator in an alien arena world.
OK, I do need to see this in a movie.
What They Got from the Comics:
The second X-Men movie is, to me, the best X-Men movie, because it borrows heavily from the greatest period in X-Men comics: that sweet spot in the late '70s and early '80s when Wolverine was still cool and mysterious, Jean Grey was evolving from "Professor X with boobs" to the most powerful member of the team, and they had awesome guys like Nightcrawler and Colossus running around (Colossus has only a cameo in the movie, but it still counts).
Seriously, if you enjoyed X2 but never bothered with the comics because they seemed too confusing, go check out the early Chris Claremont/Dave Cockrum/John Byrne era right now. Jean manifesting her Phoenix powers and "dying" to save the team? That's in these comics. Wolverine's past being teased for the first time (but not revealed, because that ruins it)? That's in these comics, too.
This has nothing to do with the movie, but I just wanted to put it here.
Leprechauns? That's also in these comics.
What They Left Out:
Seriously, there are leprechauns. In the same issue where Jean first shows her Phoenix side (a central plot in the movie), Professor X decides to give the rest of the X-Men a vacation, so naturally they go to Ireland to check out a castle that one of them inherited. Once there, the team is ambushed and captured by the Juggernaut and a guy called Black Tom Cassidy (who isn't black, so his villain name isn't racist ... I think?). Thankfully, the mutants run into some little leprechauns who live in the castle and help them out.
"For instance, I know you hit your head and this is actually you having an aneurysm."
Nightcrawler instantly becomes friends with these magical beings with Irish accents, but Wolverine isn't so happy to see them -- and with good reason. See that panel above where the leprechaun calls him "Logan"? That's the first time we learn Wolverine's name, the first we learn he even has a name besides Wolverine. A historic moment in the X-Men mythology, and it came from the Lucky Charms mascot.
"I'm the best at what I do, and what I do is I don't believe in leprechauns."
It Gets Sillier:
Nightcrawler makes his way around the castle with the help of the leprechauns and finds the place where the Juggernaut is keeping the other X-Men hostage. In order to take the villain by surprise, Nightcrawler decides to use his image-inducer to look like the Juggernaut's brother ... that is, Professor Charles Xavier. His impersonation isn't terribly convincing, though, what with all the uncharacteristic leaping and wisecracking:
They actually planned to shoot this scene in X2, but Patrick Stewart threw a shoulder.
Maxwell Yezpitelok hopes that when his FREE action webcomic called ACK is adapted into a movie, they keep all the stupid parts.
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