While scouring through the sexualized fanfic about Ziggy Stardust and pretending that each mention of Bowie was actually me, I discovered that a few famous people are actually writing their own fan fiction every day.
Captain of the USS Enterprise and all around philosophical genius, Jean-Luc Picard once said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." Don't bother trying to find the episode because you won't. He said it to nude Jethro Gibbs while painting his portrait in a TNG/NCIS crossover piece of fan fiction I found online. Even though Picard was using it to seduce Special Agent Gibbs, it doesn't make the sentiment any less true. What's more, I don't think there's anyone more willing to squeeze out heaps of sincere flattery than fan fiction writers.
"Stick around, Data, I want to show you what human love looks like."
Fan fiction affords people the opportunity to celebrate their favorite franchises and novels by hijacking the carefully constructed universe from each, and clumsily forcing all the characters to have sex with each other. Granted, not all fan fiction devolves into sex, but all the ones worth reading
certainly do. While scouring through the sexualized fanfic about Ziggy Stardust and pretending that each mention of Bowie was actually me, I discovered that a few famous people are actually writing their own fan fiction every day. Below are my favorite four. While some of them hint at the longings and desires of the celebrities themselves, most of them are just opportunities to make beloved characters do each other.
Barack Obama -- Firefly Fanfic
Excerpt #1For the first time in her history, Serenity has no charted course. Adrift in a foreign galaxy, the crew sleeps. As ship mates, as brothers, sisters, as human beings, they are simply not prepared for the trouble they'll soon face. They're just not. This unknown star system harbors many threats, namely, Reavers.
Let it be known: I hate Reavers.
Mal awakens. Yawning, he rises as he does each morning, to do the work of man. He climbs out of bed, quietly so as not to bother Inara or Simon or River. Staring at their slacken, naked bodies, he fully weighs the costs and benefits of telling them the truth. They are out of fuel. It's that simple. And without a renewable energy source found soon, the crew will mutiny and choose another captain. He reminds himself that a coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit. Still, he elects not to wake them.Excerpt #2
With a final stomp and twist of the foot, Mal dispatches the last Reaver. Heaving with testosterone, he turns to his crew. "Look, I know some of you are unhappy with me and the way I have run this ship. I know you have had your doubts about me as your leader. I respect that. I'm sure many of you have thought you could do a superior job. That's simply not true. It's not. I run this ship. I run it well. Yet time and again, you ignore this fact. And while competition has been shown to be useful up to a certain point, cooperation, which is the thing we must strive for today, begins where competition leaves off. If we are to have any hope against the next wave of Reavers, I need you with me. Who still believes in me?"River, with the courage of a thousand suns, stands. "I am with you, sir. I am with you implicitly."Wash is the next to rise. "I know we are in an unstable environment right now, fiscally and physically. But our ship has seen worse and survived. I am with you.""I am with you too," says Zoe. "Also, I am pregnant. It is yours.""As am I" says Kaylee. "Me too," says Jayne. "On both accounts."
"Come here, quick. It's hiccuping."
Now, with all of them pledging allegiance to their commander, Mal smiles. He is happy, both for the loyalty and pregnancy of all. A good leader can never cast judgment on his people, he must love them equally. Still privately in his heart, he hopes at least one child will be a boy. He already has two daughters on another planet and daughters are really hard. David Caruso --
CSI New Miami, Magnum P.I. Crossover Fanfic
Excerpt #1There is a body cut in half. It is dead. A bunch of the good guys stand around it. They are looking at it and waiting until Horatio gets there. He does get there, on a horse. Everyone claps. Horatio looks at the body and sees it's a teen girl. She's dead but she's still pretty hot. He counts the rings inside her and sees that she's 18 so it's OK to notice she's hot. Not everyone thinks to do that.
It also looks like there was a bad drought when she was 13.
The blonde one: What do you think, Horatio?Me: I know how to throw knives. The Cuban one: Me: You're right. The one thing this girl and our killer have in common is that they both split.The other one: Let's use this box of stuff to detective on her. Me: Good idea. Suddenly a helicopter lands. It says "Island Hoppers" on it. Magnum and TC get out with beers. Nice. Magnum walks up to Horatio and the body. They high five with their guns.Magnum: What have we got?Me: The one thing this girl and our killer have in common is that they both split.Magnum: Ha! Yeah! We're on it.The blonde one: Hold on. We are working this case already.Magnum: Oh, damn. Wait, I've got an idea ... Magnum and Me together: Crime solving race!Horatio and Magnum shake on it. The winner gets to sex the lab girl for a whole sun gone. They put on their bulletstopping jackets and go looking for the bad guys. Miami is hot.Excerpt #2
Horatio meets Magnum at the high school. They are asking the other girls if they know what happened to the one that's in two pieces now. They say they don't but Magnum wants to take them to dinner just in case. They agree. They are going to wear bathing suits and they are all going to get pizza together. Is Horatio invited? Of course. Me: We're best friends.Magnum: The best. They hug.
"I'm ordering now. What does everybody want?"
At the pizza place some terrorists are there. They have drugs probably and guns. The girls scream but Horatio and Magnum don't wait for backup and kill all the guys except one. He tells them where the treasure is buried. Then they shoot him.Me: Yes! We CSIed it together. It's a tie. Magnum: We win together. Teammates.The girls cheer and everyone has a pizza party.Montage of science reactions in test tubes.Case closed.
Mark Zuckerberg -- Lord of the Rings Fanfic
The Council of Elrond gathers in silence, glancing at the ring as they sit, knowing that to own it would be to control the world. They have only to reach out and take it. "Thank you for everyone for coming on short notice," Elrond begins. "We are faced with an unwieldy power in this ring. No man can posses it without the ring corrupting his soul. It wants to find its creator. It wants to find Sauron.""Aye, and what if it does?" says Gimli."Sauron would take all of Middle-earth for his own, and rule over it for eternity," Aragon answers.Legolas stands, "We have to destroy it. It is too powerful.""Agreed," says Boromir. "Sauron must never be allowed to touch it.""Wait. Wait a second guys." Gandalf, wisest of all men interjects. "This is going to sound crazy but maybe we should just give it to him.""What? Give it to him? You mean like a gift?" Elrond asks."No. I mean, he did build it. It's rightfully his. He's really gotten a bad rap lately, but I'm not sure he totally deserves it.""No man should have that much power," Legolas adds."Ehh, maybe," Gandalf offers. "But maybe he'd do good things with it. We don't know. Do we? Maybe he has some great things in mind for everyone. I mean, he already watches everything we do. He knows us."
Souls have no privacy settings.
Elrond thinks it over, "We have been really hard on him.""That's true," Boromir looks to his feet, ashamed for saying such bad things about Sauron without really getting to know him first."I'm just saying we ought to give it a try. Maybe it will be fun, right? He might think of some really awesome things to do with all his power that we wouldn't have ever thought of alone. It could be like camp! Just one person in charge of everything.""But what about his armies of orcs? And all the Ringwraiths? We hate them! Orrrrrcs!" Gimli yells like a sleeveless Ogre in a football locker room. "Have you ever just sat down and talked to one of them? No, we just fight them all the time. We've treated them like outcasts their whole lives. Maybe we all just need to try to be a little more understanding. Maybe instead of stabbing them with swords, we should be stabbing them with kindness. We might even make some new friends."Everyone starts to nod in agreement as they realize they don't even know what they've been fighting against this whole time. The council votes to offer the ring back to Sauron. Sauron agrees to handle his overwhelming power with grace and poise. He is good to everyone even though he is stronger and smarter than all of them. He only kills the people who were really mean to him and no one cares because he's such a good ruler. He is the best leader Middle-earth has ever seen. Everyone says so.The End
Oprah Winfrey -- Oprah Winfrey Fanfic
Excerpt #1With the last joint soldered, Oprah flips up the protective mask and admires her creation. It's done, her time machine is complete. Sliding off her gloves, she sits back into her throne and sees only the potential in front of her. Still, there are a lot of safety issues to consider. It is dangerous to try right away, she ought to test it first on something inconsequential, but Stedman is in Florida for the weekend and he has been skittish about helping her with projects ever since the cloning fiasco. "At what point does the reward outweigh the risk?" she asks herself knowing that if it's now, history will remember this day forever. She fantasizes not only of the past moments she intends to visit but of the future, when the world will have no choice but to take notice of her achievements, handsomely presented in a six-page spread of the August issue of O.
"C'mon Oprah, be honest with yourself," she says aloud. "Everyone always knew it would be you."Decided, she stands and without any hesitation, climbs into the travel pod. All that accompanies her in the tiny chamber is a newspaper to prove she is from the future, a copy of The Kite Runner
for the downtime and a 9mm pistol, just in case. She sets the clock to 2005 and pulls the lever. Excerpt #2Dripping from head to toe with cleanliness, past Oprah steps out of the tub and into a bathrobe. She swipes at the water droplets that run down her naked body, tickling her stomach and inner thighs. Future Oprah steps from the shadows in the silence and reveals herself."Hello," she says. Her voice doesn't cut through the quiet so much as compliments it. Her tone is buttery, sensual and above all, baritone.Past Oprah does not jump or startle. She pats herself dry and, when she is ready, turns to look future Oprah dead in the eye. "You could have gone to any point in history and you chose here, now.""Yes. You know I had to. I made a promise to myself on this day, that if I ever invented time travel I would come back to this moment and ..."Past Oprah glides over to future Oprah, never breaking eye contact. Her skin still fragrant from the bath. She puts a single finger to future Oprah's lips. "Shhh. I know. I know why you are here."Without another word, they kiss. Gently at first, sweetly, like the sound of rain in the trees before it hits your face. Then, then the storm breaks and they soak one another in desire. The Oprahs push their bodies against one another, trying desperately to feel a sensation they've longed to feel their entire collective life. Their hearts, as if connected by a string, now feel the vibrations through the chord between them, playing a secret note of lust and longing that reverberates through their bodies and shakes them from their clothes. Together, on the cool tile floor of her immaculate bathroom, they love one another for 40 minutes. Exhausted, past Oprah falls asleep nestled in her bathrobe. Future Oprah quietly dresses again and crawls back into her travel chamber. She has a lot of other visits to make, a lot of self promises to fulfill throughout time.
