15 Behind the Scenes Photos That Ruin the Movie
I collect pictures of actors in costume between takes, when they're not actually filming anything. I don't know why, it's just an odd little hobby I developed a few years ago (probably to impress chicks or something). I even started a side blog to serve as a home for this hobby, but I almost never update it, because I only believe in wasting my time on stupid nonsense to a point.
But that doesn't mean I don't want to waste your time, so I've collected some of my favorites here, for this column. Some in-costume, on-set photos are funny because they're out of context, some are fascinating in a behind-the-scenes sort of way, and some are neat because seeing them absolutely hurts the film from which they come. All of these are in that third category, because I wanted to not just waste your time, but also maybe ruin your favorite movies. Enjoy!
(Also, just as a heads up, I hope you guys like Star Wars ...)
Greedo fromStar Wars (A New Hope)
Greedo was an alien bounty hunter tasked with bringing down the un-bring-downable Han Solo. Even though we never really got to know Greedo, the fact that he had the balls and attitude to intimidate the badass Solo with his brief time on screen speaks volumes.
How It Hurts the Movie
Greedo went from being a menacing rival of Han's to being arguably the least creepy member of a 1970s gang of violent sex-partiers.
Don Corleone from The Godfather
The Godfather is one of the greatest movies of all time, and Don Corleone is one of the greatest characters of all time.
I don't know any other context you might want for this. You should probably just see the movie.
"Man, he is such an ASSHOLE and -- wait ... he's right behind me, isn't he?"
How It Hurts the Movie
If you concentrate, this can actually improve the movie. Francis Ford Coppola looks like such a lunatic in this picture, he's just staring straight ahead, not interacting with anyone or anything. For the rest of my life, I'm going to assume that in his original vision for The Godfather, Francis Ford Coppola was supposed to be in every shot, playing Don Corleone's stoic, bearded, crazy lumberjack of a conscience, in an Amityville Horror meets Jiminy Cricket sort of way. I like to pretend that they filmed the entire movie with Coppola standing around being visible only to Corleone, like a schlubby, beardy Gazoo, whispering encouragement or advising him when appropriate.
In my stupid head, at the last minute, the studio just said, "Look, we tried it, but this whole 'denim-wearing conscience' thing just isn't working. Cut Coppola out of every frame, remove him using the CGI that hasn't been invented yet."
Spider-Man from The Amazing Spider-Man
There's a new Spider-Man movie coming out in a few months, and if you didn't already know that, then frankly I don't care to know you. The Amazing Spider-Man is, allegedly, a darker, grittier and more realistic take on the iconic character.
"Hi! Hiiiiiii!"
How It Hurts the Movie
Hahahaha. Oh man. Look at that fucking picture. Oh, man.
Voldemort from Harry Potter
I still haven't seen any of the Harry Potter movies, but I've learned enough from the trailers and from being alive in the world to know that Voldemort is the bad guy.
How It Hurts the Movie
Seems like Voldemort is a perfectly nice guy. Maybe Harry would've realized that if he'd just sat down and talked to Voldemort, like all of the people in this scene. That Voldemort sure seems to have a lot on his mind.
"I just ... I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. I get headaches a lot. Do you think I might need glasses? I'm always -- It's like, in -- Right behind my eyes, is where the pain is. I've also been having some weird dreams lately, if you have a minute to talk about it ..."
Batman and Bane from The Dark Knight Rises
If the previews and brief synopses I've read are any indication, Bane is a terrifying, almost unstoppable agent of destruction, unlike anything Batman has ever faced. He's brilliant, physically impressive and completely deadly.
"Man, look at us. What are we even fighting about?"
How It Hurts the Movie
Because it looks like Bane and Batman finally got approved to adopt that kid they've had their eyes on.
And if that ISN'T an on-set shot and Dark Knight Rises really does end when Batman and Bane realize "You know, we're not so different, you and I," and decide to be friends and move in together or whatever, then I am going to be so pissed.
An Alien from Aliens
"I can't do it, I just can't, there's -- I'm just so goddamn SICK of fighting space marines. Mom was right. Shoulda stuck with jazz piano. Stupid. Stupid.
How It Hurts the Movie
I'll never be able to watch the Alien movies without sympathizing with the aliens now. Look at how exhausted and, like, heartbroken that alien is. He's like a lonely 12-year-old at a middle school dance, parking himself in the corner. "No, guys, I'm fine, leave me alone, I just don't feel like dancing or talking right now." Dude just needs a hug.
Fuck you, Ripley.
Tim Burton from Edward Scissorhands
Edward Scissorhands was a collaboration between Johnny Depp and Tim Burton before they both got so ... Johnny Deppy and Tim Burtony.
It was awesome.
How It Hurts the Movie
It just assures me that there's a better, scarier version of this movie somewhere, a version that stars Tim Burton as the deranged lunatic. Even without makeup, he's the creepiest-looking guy in a picture that features Vincent Price and a guy with scissors for hands.
Leia and C-3PO from Star Wars (Empire Strikes Back)
Another Star Wars entry!
How It Hurts the Movie
I guess the movie's fine, but this really steps on the toes of the fan fiction I've been working on.
Russell from True Blood
True Blood, an empty soap opera masquerading as an HBO horror-dramedy, is about beautiful vampires and werewolves with inconsistent, vaguely Southern accents who take turns having sex with each other. (Very little else happens.) Russell Edgington was the only legitimately terrifying character, which might not sound appealing, but it's surprisingly refreshing in a show that's otherwise populated mostly by sexy monsters.
"busy. on set now. talk l8r. bein scary vampire lol."
How It Hurts the Show
Because that's the stupidest-looking thing in a show that deals almost exclusively in stupidity.
Sweeney Todd from Sweeney Todd
Sweeney Todd is a musical about a heartbroken barber who decides to go on a murder spree to get revenge on the people who ruined his life. The people who stopped reading the sentence at the word "musical" would probably be really pissed if they knew what they missed.
How It Hurts the Movie
Because Sweeney Todd is supposed to be a terrifying and fearsome "demon barber," and here it looks like he's giving himself an awkward-guy pep talk while getting picked on.
"Don't listen to them. Just keeeep walking. Maybe their hair looks stupid. Did they ever think of that?"
An Ewok fromThis isn't even the last one.
How It Hurts the Movie
Because AAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHHH THE EYES!
THE EYES! THEY ONLY SEE DEATH! NOT AS IT COULD BE BUT AS IT WILL BE AND MUST BE!
Ryan Gosling stars as a tall and attractive sensitive-old-soul type who, despite being ultimately good at heart, occasionally needs to do some pretty rough things, but it's OK because he's doing it all for love.
Probably.
This movie's not out yet and I have no idea what it's about, but I imagine Ryan Gosling will play a character who has that "across-the-aisle effect," where male viewers find him charming and likable enough that they don't even mind that their girlfriends will be thinking of Gosling when they have sex that night.
How It Hurts the Movie
At first, this might not even look like an on-set, out-of-context image. It could, for all we know, be a random still from a movie where Ryan Gosling just got his ass kicked, or got in a car accident, or whatever.
But, on closer inspection, assuming you weren't distracted by the brutality on Gosling's otherwise annoyingly symmetrical face, you probably noticed the random PA desperately trying to hand him coffee.
I would be thrilled if this weren't a shot from a movie and was instead just a random paparazzi shot from Gosling's life. Not that I want any harm to come to Ryan Gosling -- watching his movies with a date is almost a guaranteed gateway to sex. I saw a lot of action in high school by inviting girls over to watch ... one of his older movies, I forget (Apt Pupil?). But I'd love it if this were just a spy shot from real life. Like he's just leaving a car accident, he can barely see, but he's got just the best assistant on the planet, sprinting after him with coffee just the way he likes it.
"Mr. Gosling, it's organic and just the way you like it. Do you want me to call the hospital now? Mr. Gosling? Mr. Gosling? I got your coffee! MR. GOOOOOOOSLING!
Everyone from Star Wars (The Phantom Menace)
In Multiplicity, Michael Keaton clones himself, and every time a clone is made of another clone, the new clone is dumber and more damaged and less like the original. Phantom Menace is the retarded fourth clone of Star Wars.
How It Hurts the Movie
Poor Ewan McGregor. No one told him how terrible these movies were going to be. Look at him. He's the only one who doesn't know. Even R2 is like "Beep boop, horseshit script, boop, whistle."
Lincoln from Steven Spielberg's Abraham Lincoln Movie
Conversation I prefer to imagine taking place:
Spielberg: Did you see Jaws?
Lincoln: Well, I'm afraid I wasn't born. Further, were I alive, I imagine I'd be far too preoccupied with the Emancipation Proclamation, or healing our wounded nation.
Spielberg: Uh huh ... but, definitely "no" on Jaws? Not even on TNT or something? Huh.
How It Hurts the Movie
Steven Spielberg wasn't around when Lincoln was president. I don't think, anyway, though I don't claim to know everything about presidents (just how to fight them).
Here, it looks like Spielberg is some pushy, rich big shot trying to convince a reluctant Lincoln to let the young, embarrassed soldier beside him join the army. "C'mon," Spielberg seems to be saying, "the kid's my nephew, and he's great at fighting. You'll love him. You'll love him. Do this for me. As a favor."
The Faun fromI've never seen Pan's Labyrinth. I am choosing to believe the below picture is actually part of the movie.
How It Hurts the Movie
It doesn't, really. It's actually just the best advertisement for Coca-Cola and shredded chicken I've ever seen in my entire life.
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's senior writer (ladies) and desperately wants to film his Leia/C-3PO fan fiction (robot ladies).
For more ways Dan ruins movies for everyone, check out Matthew McConaughey's Next 10 Movie Posters and Novelization of the Trailer for the Movie Battleship.
