11 Fall TV Show Reviews Based Solely On Promotional Photos

Fall TV is upon us, which means a lot of new shows that probably won't be around for that long. But who has the time to watch a child let alone a new television program let alone any television program? Previously I've helped you out by misremembering older sitcoms so you don't have to regular-remember them. Now allow me to save you some more time by giving you the inaccurate rundown of the dramas and comedies you might not be hearing about in a couple of months anyway.

Conjoined Sins

In this family drama, a brother and sister are conjoined at the genitals and must deal with problems that come with having a roommate, living life in the 2010's, and being locked in a constant state of intercourse with your sibling. I shouldn't have really said "problems", though, because both of them are into it and it gets pretty heavy. They should have called this Uncomfortable Audience. I mean, I get that the show is trying to push boundaries and taboos and tear down bassoons and all that, but it was hard to watch. I would have completely hated it if not for the scene where the sister tries to do surgery on herself because she suddenly thinks they're actually conjoined at the eye.

So yeah, SPOILER ALERT, the twist at the end is that the sister has gone insane. Sure, that's less of a twist and more just a thing that happens, but also the brother stretches his penis all the way around her and then lubricates his underarm with oil, so SPOILER TWIST ALERT, the brother's a robot. End of episode, fade to black, no end title cards. My goosebumps had boners, it was nuts.

STAR RATING: Yes!

Fishbowl

Fishbowl is a fish-eye lens POV drama about a fish that has two white slaves. One comes from a rich family, the other from a poor one, but none of it matters in the long run because they're still both slaves to the fish. Even though we only see the fish's point of view, and the fish's bowl is stationary for the entire episode, it's a surprisingly engaging show. The slaves get through the days by peppering conversations with sarcasm and by peppering the fish's sandwiches with more pepper than one might expect. The joke's on the slaves, though, because at the end of the pilot the girls realize that they've been making sandwiches for something that doesn't eat sandwiches. The slaves decide to run away, but the fish overhears them and laughs as if this was its plan all along. End of episode, black screen, orchestral hit, and a simple title card that says "Fishbowl" in a font I've never seen. Really solid, compelling television. Every once in a while Fishbowl sort of feels like an hilarious POV fish/slave comedy, but at its core it's an dramatic tale of survival and mysteries and fish puns. I won't ruin any of the puns for you, but they're terrible. The mysteries are pretty funny.

Disney Channel: The Show

Disney Channel: The Show is really interesting because it's made up of a bunch of shorter shows that all connect somehow by the end. Some of my favorites are Everyone Look At Tiffany, Chet's Pad, and Sasha Up In Here. The one about the mothers, Conjoined Grins, was funny but it's also a clear knock off of Conjoined Sins. I don't know how they got away with that.

Twwwilight?

Twwwilight? is a hormone-fueled tween action-romance-fantasy that makes you think you're watching Twilight the whole time, but only because maybe you are. Thanks to all of the teenagers wearing various jackets in the woods, even after the first episode is over, you still can't tell if you're watching Twilight or not. It's about a plain and clumsy girl, Princess Prettybird. She's the new girl in town and one of her classmates, Vincent Moonfire The Worldnether, wants to literally eat her and she thinks that's awesome.

I could have sworn there was a part in Twilight when a guy with hair like that and a girl with hair both stared at each other while wearing various jackets in the woods. To solve this mystery, I ended up re-watching the Twwwilight? pilot next to another TV playing Twilight and I still couldn't tell. We may not ever know and I think that's just a testament to the quality of the show. They're really good at making you think you're maybe watching Twilight but probably not but then again you haven't watched all of Twilight so maybe this is just a later part from Twilight because you're almost positive there was a part in Twilight where the tall-haired guy saves a girl from, in, or near a car.

SPOILER ALERT: At the end of the pilot, it's revealed that you haven't been watching Twilight at all and that the characters have never even heard of vampires. They're witches and stuff, and they sparkle in the daylight because of love or something. I don't know, I drifted off for most of the all of it. I do wonder what they'll do about the title, but not enough to watch another episode.

Dalliant and Doofer

Produced by Mark Whalberg and Highlights for Children, Kevin Dylan and a friend of Kevin Dylan both star in this adaptation of the beloved Goofus and Gallant cartoon strip that taught us all about not being bossy. The show's pretty fantastic, even though it takes some liberties with the characters' names and some of the subject matter. For example, instead of Gallant being good at sharing crayons, Dalliant is good at doing his taxes on time. And instead of Goofus running by the pool or down the escalator while holding the scissors pointing up, Doofer shits himself and stabs people while holding the scissors pointing whatever direction he deems best for stabbing. The two unlikely friends become roommates, friends, and eventual business partners. Doofer's catchphrase is "hug it out, bitch", while Dalliant's catchphrase is "Fuck you, that's from Entourage". Doofer's other catchphrase is "yeah, well, I was ON Entourage, so...", and Dalliant's other catchphrase is "You say that like you're proud." Things get pretty intense and they never speak to each other again. I really liked the show up until they ended it forever. I wish they were planning on making more episodes.

No, YOUR Finger Is Hilarious!

Three linen saleswomen and Goddesses live on Mt. Olympus and simply can not decide whose finger is the most hilarious in this drama about jokes. Ambersia says it's Bethaniam's finger, while Bethaniam says it's Ambersia's finger. Cordialda won't weigh in because she's offended that no one thinks that her own finger is funny. I mean, you can tell that she knows her finger isn't hilarious, but it's like, come on ladies, at least acknowledge that her finger is chuckleable. Oh, and that's actually one cool thing I liked a lot about the show, when they made up words like "chuckleable". It really distracts from the set, which is clearly just some parking lot. Nice try, show. It doesn't matter how many signs you put up that say "Mt. Olympus", you're still clearly filming your show in a parking lot. The actresses are all really good, which makes up for it a bit. Like I said, you can tell Cordialda knows that her finger isn't hilarious, but she never says anything about it. You can just tell, because the actress is so good.

Good actressing only goes so far, though. I couldn't tell what was going on half the time because there are too many elements to the show. They're Goddesses, they're selling linen, and they're trying to make their fingers look hilarious (above). If the show were only about arguments over who has the more hilarious finger, it still probably wouldn't be good, but at least it would be consistent. Seriously, make a choice and stick with it, No, YOUR Finger Is Hilarious!. The first act was mostly spent on the finger stuff, then Zeus showed up and did donuts in Mt. Olympus' parking lot which by the way looked exactly like every other part of Mt. Olympus. Then at the end of the pilot, out of the blue, Cordialda is all "We got the big linen account!". Everyone cheers and the credits roll while Zeus raps. Weird. But not as weird as the next show on the docket...

Return of the Haunted Face

It's weird to me that they chose to make an entire TV series based on one of those Tales To Tell 'Round Midnight. Ignoring the fact that they should make a The Haunted Face show before they even think about making a Return of the Haunted Face, the pacing of the pilot was off. They did the ENTIRE plot of Return of the Haunted Face in the first episode. I mean, where do you go from there? They only have up to Return of the Haunted Face 5. Then just The Haunted Face's Return, The Haunting of the Haunted Face's Return saga, Facing the Haunted Faces: The Return, Returning the Haunted Face and Return to the Haunted Face. At this rate, they'll be done with the whole Haunted Face universe in half a season. And correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the last page of the entire Haunted Face series:

"The Three Evil Cooks smiled and sharpened their knives. After all, it was time to cook and eat the girl and her Haunted Face."

"But before any cooking could be cooked, The Universe ceased to be. No one would ever know why or how or that it even happened, because like as has already been stated, The Universe was over."

Word is they got approval from the original author B.N. Meschnerwit, so I guess that's a good sign. Maybe he has a plan for a post-Universe story. Could be good, could be bad, I don't know. Either way, the make-up on the Haunted Face girl is impressive and terrifying.

Is This How You Remove a Shirt?

From the minds behind Mark Whalberg's name comes a sitcom about two guys who are incredibly different when it comes to how they put on and remove clothes, but the same when it comes to anything else. They are the best of friends during the day and the worst of enemies for brief periods in the morning and night. For example, when the two are getting ready for bed, Antonio asks "Is this how you remove a shirt?" as he tries to take off his shirt through his sleeve. "NO!" Brad shouts, angrier than he's ever been, "This is how you put on a tie!" Of course, then Antonio points out that he never mentioned a tie, and Brad stresses the importance of "Yeah, but still. Ties." Soon they are both in their jammies, the fight is over, and they can go back to being best friends who are married.

Settle Down, Santa!

After centuries of partying hard and sleeping around, the world-famous Santa Clause finally decides to get his act together and grow up. He moves to a small town in Wisconsin with his wife, his three daughters, and an old man who needed a place to stay. A lot of the humor comes from Santa's desire to fix up his home, coupled with his inability to do so correctly. In the pilot, his unnamed wife rolls her eyes so many times that they get stuck like that by the end. That's the main moral in the first episode, but there are like five total morals and they're all pretty good. My least favorite moral was probably about how unsavory and untrustworthy old people can be. It made sense in the context of the episode, because the old man that Santa barely knows is pretty unsavory, but in general I don't agree with the message. I know a few old people, and only two of them are unsavory. My favorite moral was the one about the eye-rolling.

Don't Look Back

Don't Look Back is one of the funniest parodies of mystery-based envirofantasy adventure dramas to come out this year. It's not quite as good as Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's Weird Place, and it doesn't hold a candle to the Wayans Brothers' Strange Place Area, but it's still pretty good. It's about a bunch of spacewrecked future families from the past who survive a cosmic event that removes their ability to turn around. The humor mostly comes from the situations and sight gags, like when the Fart Monster attacks the group but they can't turn around.

Rumor has it that this is the most expensive comedy pilot to ever air on PBS. You can tell within the first five minutes, because the effects are off the hook and maybe even off the chain I don't want to call it until I watch it again. There's this one part, and this won't give too much away, but but there's this one part where the Fart Monster stops time and the only way to start it up again is to light the Fart Monster on fire. Even though the future families from the past can't look back, they pull it off and I was right it was totally off the hook and chain.

2 Broke Girls