10 Toys from the 80s That Just Didn't Care
The 80s gave us so many classic toys. Remember all those? Well, I've gone through and scientifically rated the 10 that gave the least amount of fucks. I know that sounds like something out of science fiction -- how can someone numerically rate a toy's lack of fucks? It's a secret combination of Rad, Stupid and Awesome. Rad is rated in Condors, the M.A.S.K. motorcycle that turned into a helicopter, and Stupid is rated in Granites, the Go-Bot that turned into a rock.In order to read them, you'll need the Mek-A-Neck Code Cracker Spynocular included with every Cracked.com website. Get your parents help to cut yours out now.
Slime
Omega Supreme
Omega Supreme was a transformer that broke apart into two things: a rocket and a toy train set. Now, there were some problems with this system. First, toy train sets are the direct opposite of tough. Owning a toy train set is like mailing a picture of yourself breast feeding to each of your enemies. Omega Supreme would've been more useful in a fight if it turned into a sex swing.Fortunately, Omega Supreme still has his rocket. Unfortunately, it only takes the inscrutable logic of a 10-year-old to notice that if he ever launches it, a third of him is fucking gone when he goes back to being a robot. After a few fights, Omega Supreme will be the only Autobot that both turns into and needs a wheelchair ramp. One of the things I hate most about robots is their terrible lack of foresight.To transform most Transformers, you just folded them in half and opened their car doors. With Omega Supreme, you disassembled him into a pile of shapes that had to be snapped together with the help of a dozen specialized contractors. Loose pieces seemed to be designed by geniuses to say, "Mothers, this plastic debris is obviously not a toy. Throw it away." Omega Supreme took 45 minutes to transform, but if your parents were rich enough to buy it for you, you were probably asshole enough to deserve it.
Dukes of Hazzard Electric Slot Racing Set
Centurions
Power Glove
When I got a Power Glove, I knew it was going to be so awesome. And then I tried to use it to control a video game. The Power Glove works only slightly better than waving nothing at the TV. The Power Glove's sensor knew where your hand was about as well as Travis Henry knows where all his children are. I swear the Power Glove could tell what I'd been doing with that hand before I put it on and it was punishing me for it.
Sky Commanders
Sky Commanders were the defenders of the high frontier. Now, what that means is that someone had a whole bunch of action figures, a whole bunch of string and zero fucks to give. They created Sky Commanders, action figures that traveled exclusively by zipline. In order to play with them, you had to clamp strings around your room; from your door knob to your bed, or from every clampable surface to your Vector Command action playset. I'm not one for safety, but letting a kid command the skies near a tapered plastic tower in a room full of tripwires can only lead to one thing: the first true story ever told to an emergency proctologist.
Ram Man
He-Man toys were categorically insane. Moss Man was scented, Mek-a-Neck grew a 10-inch cyber-boner on his neck when you wiggled his waist, and Fisto was named Fisto. Our parents made gay jokes about us while we played with He-Man toys, and Ram Man was the star of all of them. He was the only action figure released in the last 200 years that had zero points of articulation. The only movement he could make was cramming his feet up his own ass and twisting his arms into a curtsy. He was just a vaguely man-shaped lump. Giving your kid Ram Man was just an $8 way of telling him to use his imagination and fuck himself. Ram Man was like a toy some pioneer would find along on the Trail of Tears and say, "Ugh, that is the most depressing thing I've ever seen."
Voltron Vehicle Force
Regular Voltron kicked ass -- five lion robots that merged to form the Defender of the Universe with lion hands and lion feet! Vehicle Force Voltron wasn't quite as great. It was a collection of 15 shitty vehicles that stacked to form a giant fire hydrant with compact cars for roller skates. It was almost impossible how much he sucked in both his forms. It's like the designer had never seen a robot or a vehicle. For instance, he gave Voltron Vehicle Force fists for fists, so two of cars were just fists on wheels. What kind of Voltron union is there where you can design something like this and not get fired? The goddamn idiot made it so Voltron's legs transformed into legs on wheels. That's not clever. That's not fucking anything! If I wanted to see something ugly just break apart and get put on wheels, I'd roadie for Lady Gaga.
Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors
Mr. T's Water War
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