10 Sex Toys That Make Your Weirdest Fetish Seem Sane
"If it exists, there's porn of it. No exceptions." -Rule 34
"Fascinating. Mind if we take notes?" -Sex toy industry
Everyone reading this has probably heard the saying: "Anything's a sex toy if you're brave enough." There are people who treat everyday objects as potential sex toys, stuffing things up their butts in numbers that have required poor medical researchers to write actual papers on objects doctors have found up folks.
But bring these brave, funny-walking people online, and they're suddenly just a part of a much, much bigger kink factory. As dictated by Rule 34, the Internet is able to create porn out of anything. And that's fine. It's no secret this great big sea of information is full of dark, slightly sticky islands that will cause the bravest of us to reach for our trusty bottle of brain bleach.
However, not all Rule 34 porn that should stay online stays online. Turns out, the sex toy industry has been peering over your shoulder as you write your Furby/Zombie Ronald McDonald fanfic, stolen all the juiciest parts, and turned them into terrifying things for people to fuck in their own homes.
Come, feast your eyes on the real-life manifestations of the darkest corners of the Internet, custom made to freak out your genitalia in a manner that is guaranteed to leave you in need of a shower. Of lye, possibly.
Note: As you can probably guess, all links from now on are NSFW as balls.
Horror Movie Dongs and Vaginas
Fleshlight Freaks come from probably the most well-known company on this list, seeing as Fleshlight is to masturbation toys what Oreos are to sandwich cookies. Their horror-inspired freak toys started life as a one-off Halloween campaign a few years ago, but stuck around and became immensely popular, because of course they did. Based on popular movie monsters, they offer a chance to fuck the Bride of Frankenstein, a vampire (complete with bat-winged labia, naturally), a space robot thing, and a zombie.
Note that at least two of those things are technically corpses.
The newest addition to the line is the alien, a blue, triangular thing apparently based on the ThunderCat Smurfs from Avatar, despite the fact that in the movie their chosen method of fucking is ponytail rape.
Oh, and if for some reason you're not into stickin' it to latex reimaginations of murderous carcasses: the company offers female and male versions of each monster genitalia. You know, just in case you feel like owning a graphically decomposing zombie dick.
A Goddamn Clown Vibrator
As we all know, nothing says "sexy time" like the friendly face of a clown, slowly approaching your nether regions accompanied by a buzzing sound.
No, wait. What I meant to say was "murder." Nothing screams "murder" like a clown about to go nuts on your fun parts.
Whoever made this fuckin' product must have taken a cue from all the cutesy dolphin and rabbit vibrators out there and gone for the nicest childhood image they could conjure. Unfortunately, they spent their childhood locked in a well, and their only memory from that time is that goddamn face, as it periodically hosed them with a giant squirting flower and whispered obscenities at them in the dark.
The clown vibrator is actually part of a series of cartoon-themed crotch ticklers, and somehow it isn't even the most unnerving one of them. That prize goes to the all-star baseball player:
Note to aspiring sadists everywhere: it takes talent to make a sex toy with a "I could not care less about you" thousand-yard stare, but only a true master will then ask you to pleasure yourself with its hydrocephalus.
Death by Orgasm
My one consolation researching this article was that I assumed Felix Clay had already uncovered all instances of sexualized arachnids in his foray into Rule 34, so I would be spared.
Little did I know.
That, friends, is a vibrator, and it's also an unnecessarily realistic scorpion statuette. With a box shaped like a coffin and a name like Death by Orgasm, this thing is either heavily marketed for goths or the worst-camouflaged Darwin Award test the world has ever seen (options are not mutually exclusive).
While the website does state that the product is not available anymore, this is a small consolation. It means that, at some point, the product actually was on sale, and there are any number of these things hiding in people's nightstand drawers right now. Watching. Scheming.
Waiting.
A Twilight-Themed Dildo
Twilight has thankfully been removed from its status as the ruler of hearts of people who don't know better, and the mind-boggling number of otherwise sane human beings who freaked out over the books and movies have grown up and quietly tossed all evidence of their Stephenie Meyer habit to the "FREE STUFF!" bin at the yard sale or, better yet, an incinerator.
Yet, somehow, the remains of the phenomenon linger. Remains such as the Vamp Dildo.
I'm not even going to link a picture of this thing. It's a rubber dong. You know what a rubber dong looks like, you've been on the Internet. That's not the point of the product, anyway. The point is that it's called the fucking Vamp Dildo, and also it sparkles. Remember that scene from the first Twilight film, the one that everyone who's not a vampire made fun of for years? It's like that, but this time with an actual dick instead of a metaphorical one.
Still, should you happen to be the kind of person that buys creepy Meyer memorabilia such as Twilight underwear, you might as well go the whole nine yards and get one of these, if only to creep out Robert Pattinson. Dude's already so ashamed of his association with the movies, he's started to overcompensate by looking like Wolverine.
"This is my 'PLEASE FORGET WHAT I DID BETWEEN 2008 AND 2012' beard."
Not that it will help him much when it comes to sex toys ...
The Claw
"Hey, Bob, you know that Badger character from the X-Men that everyone likes? With the sideburns and a Hugh Jackman? Design a sex toy after him, will you?"
"Uh ... you mean Wolverine? You want a dildo with his face, or what?"
"Nah, let's avoid lawsuits this time. Just focus on his most recognizable power and turn it into a butt plug or whatever."
"His most recognizable power is fist knifes."
"So maybe a fisting glove?"
"Wait, what?"
"Too obvious? Well, how about some knuckle-blade-themed fetish gear? Use a different amount of knives than the Badger has to throw people off."
"... Tell you what, I'll figure something out."
Inflatable Mermaid Tail
Ancient myths, mariner legends, and Daryl Hannah have made sure that mermaids have a place in whatever brain basement fantasies come from, despite the challenges created by the fact that they're essentially pretty fish with hands. Still, mere lack of orifices isn't enough to keep a creative sex toy industry down:
Man, that's actually kind of impressive. You almost find yourself thinking this might be a prop for a TV show, or maybe cosplay gear. And then you notice that the manufacturer specifically sells this thing as a sexy product, and that's that. Enjoy all the sexy role-playing with zero access to your fun parts, ladies!
Still, as sexy-time costumes go, this thing is child's play compared to ...
K9 Muzzle With Puppy Fist Mitts
Here we stand at the point of the article where the inevitable anthropomorphic animals start creeping out of the woodwork. Did you think there wouldn't be any? There are plenty.
BDSM sometimes involves some pretty outrageous costumes. It kind of goes with the territory. Yet, somehow, the K9 Muzzle manages to go beyond the general gimp-masks-and-latex vibe of regular fetish gear and chases us screeching into Absurdville. For the rare reader who isn't into dressing the object of their affection as a Manowar dog and walking them around on a leash, it's probably hard to pinpoint the strangest aspect of this outfit. Is it the ears? The snout? The ball gag hidden behind the snout? Nope. It's those fucking paws. Still, maybe someone gets enjoyment out of this thing, and if so, that's fine by me. Wait, no, it's not. Trying to make dogs sexy is creepy. Ugh.
Hold on, I just noticed that costume is lacking a tail. I wonder if it's because there's no handy way to attach one.
A Butt Plug With a Tail
Oh.
But of course.
An Alarming Amount of Dragon Dick
Yep. That's a dragon dong, all right.
Look, it was bound to happen. Furries and their gazillion subcategories are among the most notorious fetishists to emerge online and break into the world. While the rest of the world has mentally written them off as lost causes, they have gleefully established their own cons, parties, costumes, and social circles, reveling in what to them is perfectly normal but to the rest of the universe is uggggh.
So of course there are furry sex toys.
Better men than I am (or worse? It's always difficult to tell when the accomplishment in question is analyzing things people stick up their butts) have already revealed the existence of fake dragon dicks to the world, but I feel the subject bears revisiting due to the sheer volume of stuff these people are churning out. There are dozens of different, meticulously crafted dragon dicks on that site, all with their own specs and stories and specific dragons they're supposedly attached to. Each also comes with its own elaborate fan fiction, because come on, did you really expect anything else?
And, of course, dragon dicks are only a part of the equation. They have plenty of other fake furry genitalia, yes sir, they have. And if that's not your game, there's always the dragon tongue:
If fantasy taught us anything, it's that there is no safer place for your crotch than a dragon's mouth.
This Fucking Sheep ... Costume ... Thing
Someone sent me this link after my last article on this subject, and my initial reaction was the same as yours probably was upon reading the title of this entry: "How bad could a sheep costume be?"
Pretty baaaaad, it turns out.
Before you ask: yes, it's Japanese; yes, the wool can be removed completely; and no, you can't have a picture.
Oh, all right. If you really, really need more proof about the existence of this thing (and presumably a few viruses on your computer and a place on a watch-list or six), this indecipherable website has plenty. However, I'd strongly advise you to avoid clicking that link. There are things man is not meant to see, and sometimes Cthulhu ain't got shit on an anthropomorphic latex lamb.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist, freelance editor, and deeply sorry. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
For more from Pauli, check out 5 Boob-Related Products You Won't Believe Exist and 4 Reasons Porn Stars Are Nothing Like You Think.
