Donald Trump's 6 Very Real, Very Insane Tips For A Good Life

6 Never Let Go Of Your Grudges

Much of Trump's life can be defined by the grudges he's held. Nobody thinks about Rosie O'Donnell that much under normal circumstances. "When people treat me unfairly, I don't let them forget it," he told reporters during his presidential campaign in 2016. It doesn't seem to matter that he's often wealthier or more powerful than the people he's holding grudges against. That's not the point. The point is the revenge itself. "If people screw you, screw them back 10 times as hard," he explained in 2011.

Media organizations he doesn't like suddenly find themselves blacklisted from campaign rallies and press briefings. One failed business deal in Mexico, and later he's ranting about how most Mexicans are "rapists" who "bring in drug and crime." When he won the Republican presidential primary in 2016, he took almost no steps toward reconciliation with his former foes, instead dishing out insults left and right to people he no longer needed to attack. And when Puerto Rico was stricken by a hurricane this summer, Trump dedicated a lot more effort than "none at all, are you crazy?" to a running feud with the mayor of San Juan.

When NFL players began kneeling during the national anthem, Trump didn't just criticize the players like most conservative commentators; he focused a lot of his rage on the NFL itself, calling it weak and out of control. Which doesn't make a ton of sense ... until you realize that Trump has long held a grudge against the league for refusing to let him buy a team in the 1980s. And when he tried to buy the Bills in 2014, only to get outbid, he reacted the only way he knows how: with shockingly petty tweets about how boring the league was.

And then there's the massive grudge he holds toward his predecessor, Barack Obama. Trump spent quite a bit of Obama's first term cheerleading the birther movement because of, well ... let's say his passion for birth certificate formatting quirks. For some reason, he then attended the 2011 White House Correspondents' Association dinner. There, Obama lit into him. For a solid two and a half minutes, Trump could do nothing more than slowly rock back and forth, tight-lipped, while Obama dished out insult after insult. The guy's probably never had to sit through anything like that before, and the psychic impact it's made on him can't be underestimated. If you're ever in any doubt about the motivations behind Trump's actions as president, know that he'll always do the opposite of whatever Obama would, be that building a health plan, entering the Paris Accords, or reading.

5 Decorate Like A Dictator

Being wealthy is great. You should definitely be born into that if you can. But it's not enough on it's own. You have to let people know you're wealthy, so they know you're better than them, and to go fetch you food and pelts. You can do that by shouting at them all the time (and you should; never stop shouting), but when your voice gets tired, or they simply get too far away, you'll need something else. You'll need to let your surroundings do the talking for you.

Which brings us the Trumpian aesthetic. The author of a book called Dictator Style identified a number of key design traits featured in the residences of most famous dictators: overly ornate decorations, big swinging chandeliers, marble everything, mismatched French furniture, that kind of thing. Decor which shouted wealth but not class, none of it presented with any kind of design or stylistic intent. And when this author saw pictures of Trump's penthouse in Manhattan, he saw the same thing there. Vanity Fair even ran a side by side comparison of one of Trump's mansions and a palace used by Saddam Hussein, and the similarities were not hard to find.

But The Donald does have one decorating quirk all his own: the desire to hang up obviously fake things, like this cover of Time that was proudly framed in five of his golf courses.

It is completely fake. There was no Time issue printed on the date on the cover, and Trump was never on the cover of Time during the year it was supposedly made. And that's not the only fake thing at his golf courses. Consider this sign:

Yeah, that's fake too. Historians who know the area have no idea what battle took place there, and have never heard it referred to as the River of Blood.

Years ago, Trump's biographer was interviewing the man on one of his presumably marble-coated personal jets. Hanging on the wall of the plane was a painting, a Renoir.

The biographer knew this painting, and knew that the original was in a gallery in Chicago. But Trump insisted that this was the original, and wouldn't take no for an answer. He didn't get rid of it after being called out, either. The thing showed up on the background of an interview with his wife after his campaign victory.

4 Eat Fast Food And Nothing But Fast Food

Every celebrity lifestyle guide is at least 50 percent bizarre ultra-healthy diet tips -- exotic grains, free-range kale, and egg white omelets all prepared by their aboriginal spirit-nutritionist, Klevin. Trump's guide would have a similar section, but y'know, the total opposite.

First, let's discuss his taste in steaks: well-done, with a side of ketchup, which the flavor experts among you will recognize as "not optimal." We're talking steaks so well-done they used to "rock when they hit the plate." Now look, elitism is shitty, in food and all other things.

Not everyone likes their steaks mooing, so if a guy likes to eat his steak well-done, that's fine. It's fine.

The ketchup is a little much, though.

The other staple of the Trump diet: the 2,400-calorie McDonald's meals he's been known to consume. That's multiple Big Macs, Filet-O-Fishes, and chocolate shakes. Kentucky Fried Chicken, pizza, and Diet Coke reportedly make up the rest of his diet, and if that describes yours as well, congratulations on already thinking like a billionaire, I guess?

There's an interesting explanation for this love for overcooked meats and salt: Trump is a germaphobe. Imagine how risky an acai root indigenous power bowl or something would look to him, all covered in fruits and grains and stuff that clearly once touched the earth, all prepared by someone with their hands. You could then see the appeal of mass-produced, pre-packaged foods. Not if you think it through at all, but if you took a cursory glance at those two options, and you were absolutely certain that the first thought that entered your head was always 100 percent factually indisputably correct for all time, forever and ever, amen, you might see where he's coming form.

3 Be Born With Superior Genes

If you had to pick the perfect human, the one person whose intelligence, grace, and physical attractiveness surpassed all others, it'd be Donald Trump, right?

Well, there's a reason for that. Trump has good genes, as he'll tell you himself. It's part of his so-called "racehorse theory of life," which states that some people are bred to succeed, thanks to the genetic material provided by their parents. We're not reaching here. He brings up his genes all the time. His health? Excellent, thanks for asking, and a result of his good genes. Same thing with his energy! Luck? He was born with it! He once even said he had a genetic gift for real estate development, which ... scientists are not really rushing to confirm.

Anything positive that his family does is proof of the same genetic greatness. He regularly mentions his uncle who went to MIT. His granddaughter, who's learning Mandarin, is more proof of Trumpian greatness. His kids have inherited the belief too. Here's his son going on about his incredible genes, including his mother's fictitious Olympic skiing background.

This kind of thinking is a little troubling, especially when we consider another famous political movement obsessed with superior genes. Yes, it's usually hyperbolic to compare people you disagree with to Nazis. But not when they actually believe what Nazis believe. To the millions of Americans who might not have perfect genes, it is a little disturbing that their president said, "'All men are created equal.' Well, it's not true."

Remember this?

That would be the president doing an impression of a disabled reporter. It was a joke, but you know, not a "ha ha" one. And he now sets policy for disabled Americans!

2 Fill Everything With Asbestos

Asbestos was once used as a fireproofing agent, because it is extremely effective in that role. It also causes cancer, and is extremely effective at that as well. But for some reason (it's probably money), Donald Trump has only ever really cared about that first bullet point. In his 1997 book, he suggested the drive to remove asbestos was led by the mafia, which controlled the asbestos removal business. In his view, asbestos was "100 percent safe, once applied," which is true about undisturbed asbestos. But it does have a nasty habit of getting disturbed, which lowers the safety level a few (dozen) percentage points.

Which is why for a few decades now, we've had regulations mandating asbestos use and treatment. This makes it a giant and expensive pain in the ass for anyone who owns buildings, e.g. Donald Trump. And seeing as Trump isn't a huge fan of spending his own money and also has a casual relationship with facts, you can probably now deduce how he's taken this position. On that note, he was once sued in the 1990s by Polish construction workers who claimed they were exposed to asbestos dust without protective equipment. But that's probably a coincidence.

Anyways, whether it's science, regulations, or angry Poles, nothing has ever changed The Donald's mind. He still loves asbestos, and is even on the record suggesting that it could have prevented the World Trade Center towers from collapsing on 9/11. He was even on Twitter about it, because he's been on Twitter about everything. Whatever the opposite of a grudge is, Donald Trump has it for asbestos. Which means that if you want to be a winner, you're going to need a carcinogen of your own to love.

1 Exercise And Sleep Are For Losers

On the subject of exercise, Donald Trump has a very hot take: don't. He believes that a person is like a battery, with a fixed amount of energy, and that unnecessary exercise uses that energy up. He's even mocked others for exercising. When he found out that one of his executives was training for a triathlon, he told the man he'd "die young because of this."

This lines up pretty neatly with the exact opposite of what scientists say, which is that while exercise might temporarily reduce your energy, it strengthens your body, thus allowing it to be stronger and store more energy in the future. You already knew that because you went to gym class once or read anything about food ever. But who are you going to trust? Scientists and common sense? Or a winner with confusing ideas about batteries?

And then there's the matter of sleep. For a long time, Trump has claimed that he gets very little of it, from 90 minutes to four hours a night. You should probably do the same. And what can you expect to do with all that extra time you'll have, being exhausted and grumpy? Well, if you want to be like Trump, you'll makes deals and plot revenge.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends seven hours or more of sleep per day for an adult, which suggests that Trump has been wrecking his body and mind for decades now. Come to think of it, that does jive with a few things we've seen in the news ...

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