You Can Now Buy Booze For Your Pets. But Why?

Oh sweet, my dog can now get drunk with me? No? This alcohol isn't alcoholic? Well then what's the point?

I'm all for treating your pet animal as a human being. I consider my dog a human. I dress her up in clothing, put five-fingered gloves on her hands, and have one-sided conversations with her for hours. Sometimes, I put her in a stroller, roll around town, and demand that people compliment my pretty baby. She's as human as you or I, being a dog doesn't change that. Can she talk? No. Does she have object permanence or theory of mind? No. Can she resist licking her butthole in public? No. But she's a person. A tiny person, covered in fur, who poops in front of strangers.

That's why I demand that her alcoholic beverages actually have alcohol in them. I want to get crunk with my dog. What's the point of giving her colored, flavor-water if she doesn't get shih tzu-faced? She's a normal human, and deserves to have her kidneys ruined like a human. I'm praying for the day when dog cigarettes are on the market, because I'm hoping my little pup will smoke a pack a day, just like her momma.