The 5 Most Entertaining Dick Moves Of The Election (So Far)
It seems like every week brings a new spate of crazy-ass election stories, whether it's Ted Cruz and Donald Trump arguing over whose wife is the true Empress of Plowtown, Hillary Clinton barking like a dog, or Ben Carson simply getting out of bed in the morning.
"I did it! I won Non Sequitur in Chief!"
And despite time winnowing down the field of candidates significantly, the stark fact remains that we still have another seven solid months of this shit. Knowing such, here is Cracked's tribute to those intrepid unsung heroes who went out of their way to make this election ever so slightly less soul-draining.
Domain Name Trolls Who Stole Campaign Sites
With their entire cadre of advisers, campaign managers, and opinionated Twitter followers available to help candidates avoid dangerous missteps along the path to American glory, you would think that embarrassing gaffes would be kept at a minimum. You'd especially think that in our high-tech, smartphone-savvy world, embarrassing Internet gaffes would be prevented at all costs. Fortunately for us, this simply hasn't been the case.
When Ted Cruz began snatching up domain names in preparation for his campaign run, he found that one of them, TedCruz.com, was off-limits. That's because it had been owned by Ted Cruz, Arizona attorney at law, since 2004. Arizona Ted is less than impressed with his political doppelganger, choosing to show his steadfast support for literally anyone else, regardless of which party they happen to fall under. Originally, Arizona Ted thwarted Cruz by shouting his love for Chris Christie from the digital rooftops:
He loves you too, buddy.
And later by backing Obama:
Unless this is a sly Obama Kenya joke.
Another random guy nabbed the site Ted Cruz for America -- it's currently filled with Bible verses referencing adultery, in a pointed jab at Cruz's rumored extramarital sexcapades. And when Jeb Bush was still in the race, the human version of sad puppy dog eyes was forced to direct supporters to jeb2016.com because JebBush.com sent visitors to Donald Trump's campaign page. And for the 30 seconds that Governor Scott Walker was still in the race, supporters who rambled over to ReadyForWalker.com were redirected to PlannedParenthoodAction.org, a not-so-subtle jab at Walker's opposition to sex education and abortion access.
Also confused: seniors searching for mobility aids.
The Internet vigilante activism doesn't stop there. The owner of CarlyFiorina.org has a story to tell, and the perfect platform to tell it, by god. They're still angry about the 2005 mass firings at Hewlett Packard which were partially overseen by Fiorina, who was supervising a merger at the time. For a while, the site reminded everyone of this event by representing the 30,000 displaced employees with an army of sad emoticons:
Aw, somebody's got a frowny face.
What could have caused such anger and resentment toward the Potential-Powers-That-Be? What fuels these backhanded acts of rebellion? What did the candidates do to deserve such ire? Well, the unsung heroes in the next entry might have some motivation.
People Clearly Having Their Days Fucked Up By The Candidates
Some people don't give a fuck about politics or a room full of people cheering on their favorite presidential candidate. Some people want to keep on keepin' on, no matter how hard you try to cramp their style. People like this guy, who only wanted a few hours to work out at the gym in peace until he realized that arm day was the same day Ted Cruz had already taken over his space. But Rowing Man doesn't care about your Republican ideals and conservative fiscal policies; Rowing Man cares about abs. So what does Rowing Man do? He just ... keeps on rowing, man.
#TedCrews
For those of you who don't remember the movie, the ninth rule of Fight Club was "don't mess up an elderly person's daily routine." Which was exactly what Carly Fiorina did when she used a New Hampshire restaurant as the setting for a media event. See if you can spot the breakfast fan who wasn't having a plate of GOP politics that morning:
Instead, she had one order of don't-give-a-fuck, sunny side up.
While most of us might have turned around to watch the spectacle of a campaign disintegrating in real time, Ms. Eggsna Mode projected a force field around herself and kept working on her bacon.
Not giving a fuck is the most important meal of the day.
People Making The Most Of Boring Speeches
If the headlines are telling the truth, a Trump rally sounds like a mix between a riot and a round of Hunger Games. That might be the case for protesters who infiltrate the crowd, but the lady in the picture below scored a seat in the VIP section, which in this case put her in the choir behind the preacher. There was one problem: She wasn't there out of Trump fever, she was there out of curiosity. Apparently, Trump didn't pique her interest.
We like to imagine five others in this picture were listening to earbuds or looking at their phones.
It so happened that this particular student waited two hours before the speech started, and to kill the time, she brought Citizen: An American Lyric, which happens to be a book of poetry about racism. Let's use her own words to describe why she whipped her book out mid-speech:
"He talked about Starbucks and Merry Christmas and I was like, 'OK?' I was waiting for, you know, when is he going to talk about what really matters to me as a young adult, as a black woman," she added. "What is he going to talk about that makes me want to vote for him? And it never got to that point." So instead of looking at Donald Trump's ass for what must have felt like a geological epoch, she got her book back out. Funnily enough, her fellow Trump-ass-watchers disapproved.
"Stop your literacy, dammit."
As inspirational as reading a book of poetry at a campaign rally may be, most of us don't have that kind of commitment. That's where "Sticker Kid" comes in.
"For once, I'm not the guy she's pissed at for doing embarrassing shit behind her back. Sweet." -- Bill
When this college freshman realized he'd scored a sweet on-camera spot behind Clinton after the Iowa caucuses, he knew what he had to do: put some stickers on his face, cross his eyes, and attempt to eat his face stickers without using his hands. Everyone else in the room was at a political celebration; Sticker Kid was at a rave. And let us not forget the two friends who went to a Trump rally and ended up sharing nachos in the most ridiculous way possible.
Strange but true: Nacho cheese secretly lubricates all Trump rallies.
The Lone Souls At Slow Events
There's only so much angry ranting a person can take before they give up on political activism altogether. Sure, you could blame it on logical things like blizzards, jobs, and hangovers, but we all know the truth. When you scream at the world long enough, the world stays the fuck home. That's when you get situations like Marco Rubio's practically empty and totally bizarre Little-Caesar's-fueled Super Bowl party where he promised to ban disco, or Ben Carson's 50-person primary party that was so straight-edge that even the bartender was knitting blankets behind the counter.
But at least 50 people at a campaign event is ... sizable. One of poor Martin O'Malley's Iowa appearances was rudely interrupted by a goddamn blizzard, but not even Snowmaggedon could keep Kenneth the Undecided Voter away. The entire event ended up being O'Malley and Kenneth listening to the howling of the freezing winds outside while O'Malley tried to convince Kenneth to pretty please vote for him in November.
Even after all this, Kenneth was still undecided.
Sad as all that may be, we have to commend O'Malley for having the self-awareness to admit that things didn't quite go as planned, and the graciousness to appreciate Kenneth's presence. When Rick Santorum's afternoon campaign stop at an Iowa restaurant was also only attended by one person, Santorum ordered lunch. Unfortunately, Ol' Rick belligerently stuck to his lonely guns, declaring the less-than-mediocre turnout a success and stating that every vote counts before ultimately dropping out of the race.
The Miserable, Miserable Children
With no one left to care about our nation's political future and the last few being chased off by Chris Christie as we speak, how we will ensure that future generations even bother with that whole voting thing? Start 'em young, obviously. Some parents have already caught on to this technique, dragging their little ones along with them to various political events. Unfortunately, these kids' political experiences are already off to a bumpy start.
Like this poor kid, who was just trying to enjoy a friendly game of photo op football, only to receive a wad of pigskin to the noggin straight from Marco Rubio himself.
Cruel, strong Rubio, with his big, big hands.
OK, so school age may be a little too old to start conditioning your child to become the most patriotic voter to ever walk American soil. Babies are impressionable. That seems like a safe bet ...
This baby will never forget the day he or she met the Sun in person.
Finally, we land on the one unsung hero who crosses political lines. The child who unites Democrats, Republicans, independents, and all others in a Hands-Across-America-style love chain and represents our collective discomfort at Ted Cruz's psychologically distressing visage.
His own daughter.
She too read the rumor that her dad eats boogers.
Follow Carolyn's campaign for world domination on Twitter.
What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9th at 7:00 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!
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