6 Classic Movies That Were Saved By (Wisely) Deleted Scenes
With physical media on the decline and Blockbuster Video locations magically transforming into Blockbuster-shaped toilets for homeless people, DVDs are now basically fancy drink coasters that you stupidly paid $30 for. That's too bad, if for no other reason than the loss of the "deleted scenes" feature.
Most of the time, these scenes are nothing but inconsequential little things, like Tom Cruise running down a hallway or Jim Carrey doing five less-funny takes than the one that wound up in the final movie. But other times, they are oddly inappropriate moments which prove that the right cut can save a whole movie. Or at least, save a lot of viewers from turning to their date and saying, "Wait, did that just happen?"
Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan -- A Toddler Gets Exploded
The Wrath Of Khan is one of the highlights of the Star Trek series, managing to be fresh, dramatic, and exciting, despite the fact that 90 percent of its cast are secretly wearing girdles. However, it's hard to imagine the movie being as beloved as it is today if, instead of being known as "the one where Spock dies" (30-year-old spoilers!), it was "the one with the baby-killing plotline."
We all know that it's mentioned in the movie that the villainous Khan had a wife who died. But originally, it went further than that: he had an adorable baby son, too. We can cut Khan some slack for being so wrathful, then, since as any new parent can attest, babies can be really stressful. Especially since Khan was clearly breastfeeding.
Craziest of all, the film's finale almost involved the baby getting blown up. As Khan is all but beaten, he activates the Genesis device, which creates a new planet in a huge explosion. Unfortunately, the bright lights of the device are basically a Fisher Price toy to little Khan Jr., who crawls towards it. The device explodes, destroying the ship, the baby, and the heart of every Trekkie who mainly loved the show for never brutally killing infants.
That scene was actually shot, but the filmmakers eventually came to their senses and deleted it so hard that only a few stills remain.
How depressing would it be to end a Star Trek movie not only with Spock getting irradiated to death, but also with a fucking baby exploding? Then there's the fact that it would have been pretty hard to cheer for Kirk as he tirelessly spends the movie trying to destroy a ship with a toddler on it. This is why George Lucas didn't write a scene where the Death Star has a daycare center, and there was no moment where Mad Max noticed a "BABY ON BOARD" sign hanging from Immortan Joe's windshield. No one wants to see a movie where the hero is constantly trying to harm a baby, unless it's some sort of Wayans Bros. scenario.
The Santa Clause -- Santa Jokes About Phone Sex (Causing Kids To Call A Real Sex Line)
Disney's The Santa Clause has somehow become a beloved Christmas staple, confusing a generation over the correct spelling of "Santa Claus" and proving that ex-cons can play Santa in places other than your local mall. The legacy of the movie was almost tarnished by this scene, however:
In an early version of the film, Tim Allen's character (who eventually goes on to kill/become Santa) is talking to his ex-wife, who gives him the number to her mother-in-law's house, where she'll be spending Christmas. Not one to shy away from the untapped comedy gold that is mother-in-law jokes, Allen hilariously reads the number as "1-800-SPANK-ME" and follows it up with "I know that number."
To be clear, this is a Disney movie implying that the guy who becomes Santa Claus regularly masturbates to strangers over the phone.
We're now picturing an elf trying to explain to a little kid that he's not getting that toboggan he asked for because Santa spent all of the toy money talking to Crystal and Tiffani at $4.99 per minute. Oh, but that's not why the scene was cut. Unlike the other examples in this article, this one actually made it to the theatrical and original VHS versions. The problem was that a number of kids were smart enough to phone 1-800-SPANK-ME (which was rerouted to 1-900-SPANK-ME), but dumb enough to think that the employees of a sex hotline might know how to contact Santa. And rather than saying "Nope, no magical bearded men here," the operators were happy to keep the kids on the line, judging by the fact that two nine-year-old girls managed to rack up over $500 in charges.
In order to prevent more headaches (and getting the shit sued out of them), Disney deleted the scene from all future versions of the film, and resisted the urge to make The Santa Clause 2: How To Steal Daddy's Credit Card And Subscribe To HotLesbianCoeds.com.
Titanic -- The Film Almost Turned Its Central Tragedy Into A Wacky Sight Gag
Titanic, James Cameron's Oscar-winning remake of The Terminator, painstakingly recreated history's most famous non-Cuba-Gooding-Jr.-related boat disaster. Cameron went as far as to rebuild the ship's real furniture and decorations in order to capture the Titanic's majesty ... and then almost ruined everything with this silly-ass scene:
After two hours of an old woman describing her life onboard the Titanic to a group of strangers (and for some reason, going into graphic detail about the time she posed nude and fucked a guy in the backseat of a car), we finally get to the disaster portion of the film. You know, the part where over 1,500 real people suffered a violent, icy death. That's when the deleted scene would have shown us Molly Brown (played by Kathy Bates) sitting in the bar on the Titanic, asking the bartender for "more ice." Right then, an iceberg appears in the window behind her ...
... which is either a terrible visual gag, or a clue to audiences that Molly Brown possesses God-like ice-summoning powers we should all fear and worship. Either way, it would have pushed the film into a whole other part of the Netflix catalog.
Seriously, this is basically the exact scene that would show up if the Zucker brothers made an Airplane!-style parody about the Titanic -- which sounds awesome, now that we think about it. But Cameron's movie isn't supposed to be a wacky spoof, as far as we know. It's supposed to be a dramatic retelling of a tragedy. This is like if in 80 years, they made a movie about 9/11 and had a guy in the World Trade Center cafeteria saying "Well, at least it's not airplane food" just before a plane showed up in the window behind him.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit -- All Your Favorite Cartoons Bury Their Friend
Although Who Framed Roger Rabbit was at times pants-pissingly frightening, all those Judge Doom moments were offset by the sheer awesomeness of seeing your favorite cartoons in one movie. No movie with Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse in it can ever be truly depressing as long as they're not, like, crying together in a funeral or something.
Incidentally, that's exactly what Bugs and Mickey were originally supposed to do.
Because of studio restrictions, they both had to shed the exact same number of tears.
In the movie, Roger Rabbit is framed for the murder of Marvin Acme, famous maker of anvils and defective roadrunner-killing kits. Well, apparently, Roger's wife wasn't the only Toon whom Acme was close to, because recently unearthed storyboards show that his funeral was stuffed with sad attendees. Foghorn Leghorn starts weeping as he delivers the eulogy, and Felix the Cat (one of the pallbearers) also bursts into tears.
Other characters don't handle their sorrow so well. Bluto violently lashes out and smacks Elmer Fudd's face, while Popeye seemingly takes out his grief on Goofy (or he just punched him for being a dipshit). Then Yosemite Sam violently throws the casket into the grave:
Officially, the scene was cut for "pacing concerns," but it's hard to imagine that someone didn't realize that having whimsical cartoons burying a colleague wasn't a direction the movie should take. After all, no other Disney movies have funeral scenes. Even when characters die, instead of wallowing in misery, that's usually when a colorfully amusing character shows up to sing a song that distracts from the soul-crushing loss. "Hakuna Matata" is a fun way of saying "Stop crying about your dead dad."
Home Alone is an odd mixture of heartwarming Christmas tale and violent Straw-Dogs-esque home invasion movie, but somehow, it all works. Part of the reason for this is that, in the end, we're happy to see Kevin reunited with his family at Christmas and not, say, murdered by petty criminals. Of course, it would have been hard to root for that reunion if they hadn't cut this scene with his Uncle Frank:
Frank "Look what you did, you little jerk" McAllister is probably best remembered for his steamy shower scene in Home Alone 2, when Kevin videotapes him -- a situation that is brought under a disturbing new light by the clip above. In the deleted scene, Frank teases Kevin by calling him "squirt." Witty as ever, Kevin responds, "My name's Kevin."
"Do you like movies about gladiators, Kevin?"
Uncle Frank then quips that in France, he'll be called "Yank" and pulls down Kevin's pants, leaving the kid utterly shocked. No snappy comebacks, no violent retribution; just a petrified young child wearing nothing but a shirt, some boxers, and a traumatized expression. Granted, he could simply be appalled at the terrible pun, but either way, his life is ruined.
The movie treats it like it's totally acceptable for an adult to forcibly pull down a kid's pants, a situation that is only understandable after the phrase "Mom, I think I had too many tacos." We can somehow forgive the McAllisters for abandoning their child at Christmas, but if this scene had been included, the only possible happy ending would have involved child protective services. And if you're about to leave a comment about how this is perfectly normal, by all means, try it at your next family gathering! Then ask everyone later if they thought it was weird!
Back To The Future -- Doc Is Creepy And Marty Becomes Homophobic
Before it existed solely as fodder for the Internet to remind everyone that they're getting old and that random story elements from a 30-year-old screenplay shockingly aren't perfectly coalescing with reality, Back To The Future was actually a really great movie. A true cinematic classic ... that almost contained a scene shittier than Biff Tannen's car:
Before Marty heads to the "Enchantment Under the Sea" dance, Doc gives him a fatherly pep talk, and we find out why it's a good thing that the guy never had children. In the deleted scene, Marty expresses his concerns over hitting on his own mother as part of their plan to get Marty's parents back together and ensure his birth. However, Doc comically misunderstands, saying he's not going to "hit" her -- he's merely going to take "a few liberties" with her. You know, as one does.
Things somehow keep getting worse, as Doc gives Marty what, if included, would have been the creepiest wink in movie history.
Despite Doc's reassuring perviness and allusions to domestic violence, Marty's still justifiably worried about "feeling up" his mom. Not so justifiably, Marty then wonders: What if this "screws" him up, and when he goes back to the future, he's ... gay?
"Listen Doc, I'm still not sure how time travel works, but it better not turn me black or Jewish."
Yes, Marty, that's how gay people become gay. They're not born that way; they all traveled back in time and fucked their own mothers. Every same-sex couple owes their relationship to temporal incest.
Aside from the fact that the title Back To The Future Where Hopefully I'm Not Somehow Gay All Of A Sudden wouldn't fit on a marquee, the movie would have lost a lot of his charm if Marty suddenly turned into a homophobe and Doc openly encouraged motherfucking. Luckily, the scene was cut, and by the second movie, Marty was secure enough in his masculinity to tool around Hill Valley on a pink hoverboard.
J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.
Of course some scenes probably didn't need to be cut -- like Ripley finding out that her daughter is dead in Aliens. That and more in 7 Famous Movie Flaws That Were Explained in Deleted Scenes. Or see why The Dark Knight Rises would've made a little more sense in 6 Deleted Scenes That Totally Change Classic Movies.
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