5 Lame Attempts To Make Comics Appeal To Modern Audiences

5 Sabrina The Teenage Witch Is A Satanist Whose Dad Summons The Devil

Sabrina The Teenage Witch, starring Melissa Joan Hart, was so inoffensive that religious parents still consider it a safe alternative to Harry Potter. That's probably because it was an adaptation of an Archie comic book series that was even more saccharine than the TV show.

The Insane Reimagining:

In October 2014, Archie Comics decided to revive their dead property in a new horror series called The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina. And, as with most resurrections, the result was a grotesque monstrosity unrecognizable by anyone that knew it in life. Sabrina and her family are now Satanists. Actually, in this universe, all witches are part of a cult that worships the Devil, with Sabrina's father being something like their anti-pope "who has conjured his Lord Satan, in the living flesh, numerous times."

Sabrina's dad also somehow found the time, in between bro-downs with the Devil, to have his wife lobotomized. Just like in the show, Sabrina's mother is mortal, but in the new series, she understandably isn't too cool about letting Devil-worshipers raise her daughter, so she tries to run away with her, only to be caught and left brain-damaged as punishment.

Even Sabrina's kooky aunts Hilda and Zelda were put through the belt-sander and emerged all gritty, transformed into the bastard offspring of the ghosts from Poltergeist and Mama. As for Sabrina, she definitely became more morally ambiguous during her Chilling Adventures, like when she hexed a boy to fall in love with her. Now, magical date-rape may pale in comparison to hitting Hooters and grabbing some wings with The Fallen One, but it's still a darker place than we're used to finding Sabrina.

Best described as an alien biker with the personality of a heavy-metal album cover, Lobo is an immortal, chain-smoking dirtbag, who at age 17 murdered the 5 billion inhabitants of his home planet and has been working hard to beat his high score ever since.

The Insane Reimagining:

In Justice League #23.2: Lobo, it turned out that this guy was a fraud. He was just some asshole who stole the name and reputation of the actual new Lobo, for which he was about to get his head ripped off by the real deal, thus cleverly clearing the way for a brand-new interpretation of the character. Unfortunately, this is that interpretation.

What was once a hairy-chested, muscle-bound parody of over-the-top comic book violence, now more resembled a futuristic John Travolta in Grease: a pretty-boy rogue with laser weaponry instead of his trademark metal chain and hook. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Twilight of comic book reboots. What Stephenie Meyer's book did to vampires, so DC did to one of their most beloved characters.

3 Doctor Light Is Turned Into A Meta-Rapist

Doctor Light was an old-school supervillain who could control light with the use of technology, which is ... basically just lasers, right? That was cool back in the day, but we use those things to listen to the new Aqua album now. Maybe it's actually time for an update ...

The Insane Reimagining:

Doctor Light was updated, but his powers were not. Brad Meltzer's 2004 miniseries Identity Crisis starts off with the murder of Sue Dibny, the wife of Elongated Man. However, what seems like a typical murder mystery in the beginning soon spirals into something much more sinister when it turns out that Sue Dibny was once brutally raped on the Justice League satellite.

By Doctor Light.

After Light infiltrated his enemies' headquarters, he didn't take that opportunity to plant bombs or steal files. Instead, he decided to sexually assault the Elongated Man's wife, which made no sense based on his history as an endearing, lovable loser. But it didn't end there. During the next four years, Light would go on to metaphysically "rape" (his own words) the female Doctor Light, which is disturbing on 48 different levels, and he even attempted to assault a bunch of women dressed as the Teen Titans. Finally, the DC version of Ghost Rider decided that perhaps a laser serial rapist wasn't the best dude to leave roaming around your continuity, and the character was killed off ...

2 The New Ultraman Is A Junkie Vampire

Ultraman is an evil Superman from another universe. He and his Crime Syndicate (the evil version of the Justice League) have been a mainstay of comics for many years. And, all this time, Ultraman has had the same role: to keep Superman in check by showing him what he'd become if he ever gave in to his dark side. Sort of like a reverse Superman.

The Insane Reimagining:

Screw metaphors: In the Forever Evil crossover Ultraman is literally the reverse Superman. For example, Clark gains his incredible powers from the Earth's sun, so, obviously, the Forever Evil Ultraman must be weakened by sunlight, essentially making him a flamboyant vampire. That's why one of the first things his new incarnation does is move the moon between the Earth and the sun to create a permanent eclipse.

Now, just like all the other versions, Ultraman isn't hurt by kryptonite. On the contrary -- it's what gives him his power. But the way he "absorbs" it in Forever Evil is a tad different. See, this version of Ultraman grinds kryptonite into a fine powder, and then heats it up with his laser vision so that he can inhale it, because what would superhero comics be without clumsy drug analogies?

And that's the main problem right there. This Ultraman is just, well, too evil. There's no way that Superman would ever look at Rudolph The Green-Nosed Reindeer and think: "Yikes, I better be careful so I don't end up like him." He's more likely to think: "Hey, even if I carved my name into the moon, I still wouldn't be as bad as that guy."

Marvel introduced the Ultimate line, which consists of brand-new versions of their entire lineup so that anyone can jump into the stories without having to learn 40 years of confusing, often contradictory backstories. Sure, you have to basically abandon a whole universe and reinvent every single character, but hey -- no more clones!

The Insane Reimagining:

First, let's look at the Blob. He's a big dumb mutant who's fat and can't be moved. That's his entire shtick: obesity and super stubbornness.

Now, let's see what the Ultimate Universe did with him.

Oh. He's a cannibal. We guess there's really no other way to make being really fat super dark and badass.

Next, we have Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch. In case you aren't one of the 17 billion people who've already seen Age Of Ultron, let us give you a crash course on the characters. One can run fast; the other does whatever the plot needs at the moment. They are mutants, only sometimes they're not, and they are evil, but not always. Also, Magneto is their dad, unless he's not. But no matter what, the two have always remained brother and sister. That's the one constant thing about them, and that's what the Ultimate Universe decided to ruin. So the two are still siblings in the new comics, but now they're also fucking each other harder than Lannisters at a family reunion.

Finally, there's Red Skull, a Nazi supersoldier with a messed-up face. You might remember him from the first Captain America movie. He was the guy with the red skull.

So, how did the Ultimate Universe make a scarred Nazi edgier than he already was? By having him cut his own face off. "No, that's not dark enough," said one of the writers. "Let's also make him Captain America's son!"

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Also check out 5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous By Gritty Reboots and The 7 Most Offensive Adaptations of Classic Comic Books.