5 Insane Christian Movies You Won't Believe Are Serious
Movies like Noah and the upcoming Ridley Scott epic Exodus: Gods and Kings prove that Hollywood can talk about God while still at least trying to make sense. As anybody who has tuned into TBN at two in the morning can attest, that's not true of most indie Christian movies. Somehow these writers, producers, and directors all took a look at the same source material -- the Bible -- and thought the best way to advocate for Christ was through face-eating madness.
C Me Dance (2009): The Devil Tries to Stop a Ballerina From Brainwashing the Entire Planet
Sheri is a promising ballet dancer, until the day she is diagnosed with a terminal blood disease. She understandably finds herself heading down a dark path, until God pulls her towards the light by having some dude almost rape her. Some folks get a burning bush or see Christ in the grain-whorls of a cracker, others get ...
But don't worry. Before things can go too far, God yells "Surprise!" and reveals the true purpose of this mental trauma. When Sheri touches her assailant and a few of the bystanders, she discovers that she has the power to turn people Christian. Like a Jehovah's Witness version of King Midas, Sheri converts everyone she comes into contact with. One errant sweep of her wrist, and the target is given a vision of the crucifixion, whereupon they magically accept Christ into their heart. This raises a lot of serious questions. For instance, does it work on animals? We suppose "isn't that robbing people of free will?" may be important, too ...
Sheri then sets out on a modern-day crusade, forcing her religion on any random sucker who crosses her path, all while the devil tries to stop her. Is ... is the devil our protagonist in this film?
"My stylist got a little carried away waxing my eyebrows. That doesn't make evil, per se."
This being a Christian flick, the devil of course fails, and eventually Sheri's power grows to the point where all she has to do is look at someone to convert them. At the end of the film, she goes on TV and, shortly before dying from her disease, turns everyone in America into Christians, because in the insane world of C Me Dance, people still watch television.
It hasn't been the best day for family man Jon Ridecher. His crippling gambling addiction caused him to place a large bet on a basketball game -- a bet he lost. Jon's bookies murder him for being unable to pay off his debt instantly. Because that's a sound business plan that all bookies engage in. In the next scene, Jon wakes up in a dark basement.
The basement belongs to God, because even the heavenly palace needs a place to store the washer and dryer. Turns out that God has ordered his angels to torture Jon to get him to admit his sins, all while Jesus stands in the corner and watches like a creeper. They don't even care about Jon's gambling problem. Instead, the angelic "bad cop" is much more interested in completely trivial mistakes Jon made as a child, like being forced by some bullies to say mean things about a girl he liked. Yup: Jon is getting tortured for losing a fight as a kid.
Next, the interrogator brings up an affair Jon had. We see a vision of him at a bar, flirting with a pretty blonde. Moments later, the two of them are getting busy in a convertible.
The official body style of infidelity.
Except it turns out that he only imagined it. According to the Bible, looking at another person with lust is the same as actual adultery, so while Jon did not cheat on his wife physically, having an active imagination is just as bad. Waterboarding bad.
Thankfully, Jon is allowed to return to his wife, after Jesus jumps in front of the bullet meant for him, as if he's the guy two days from retirement in a cop movie. And Jon learns a valuable lesson about Christianity in the best way possible: through holy torture.
Fight (2012): The Devil and Your Computer Are Forcing You to Masturbate
The hero of Fight is struggling with his carnal desires, a theme that can be explored in many original and exciting ways.
This is not one of them.
Fight chooses to depict humanity's eternal struggle against our baser desires by focusing on a middle-aged man who watches too much Internet porn. Which he accomplishes by typing the word "pornography" into a search bar.
Now, depending on how it's written and portrayed, maybe that premise could still be good. Judd Apatow could make it funny. Darren Aronofsky could make it existentially horrific. David Cronenberg could have the guy turn inside out and grow teeth on his balls or something. But no, Fight is not great with metaphors. It chooses to depict this internal fight as a literal fight; the man has a boxing match over Internet porn against Satan and his tiny, tiny nipples.
The two opponents spar, and in the end, our tempted husband is down for the count. He's beaten and bloodied, and remember that here, that's a metaphor that means he's juuuust about to start jerking off. Suddenly, God (who's been the corner man the entire time) tells Stan to get up and finish the fight for his wife. Stan stands up, looks the Devil square in the eye, and... destroys his computer. The wife then comes home, sees what's left of the Sin Box in the dumpster, and embraces her triumphant husband.
"Thank you so much for destroying one of our appliances."
The Thief Series: The UN Decapitates a Small Child
The Thief series consists of four Christian films produced by Russell Doughten throughout the '70s and '80s. Each of these movies focuses on the aftermath of the Rapture (aka the Jesus Apocalypse) and the rebels who fight against the Antichrist -- who is, of course, part of the United Nations. In this extra-lame version of the apocalypse, good ol' AC takes over the whole planet armed with nothing more than a really strongly-worded letter. He then starts an organization called UNITE (United Nations Imperium of Total Emergency). Under UNITE's rule, every citizen is ordered to get a bunch of weird characters tattooed on their body, which of course turn out to be binary code for "666".
For further evidence of the level of subtlety on display in these films, let's take the death of Billy from Image of the Beast.
See that precious bundle of adorableness that could probably buy a candy bar with a smile? That's Billy, moments before he gets put in a guillotine and his fucking head is cut off. In the third film, Billy and our hero David are about to be sentenced to death. But the evil UNITE henchmen have a proposal for David: if he tells them the location of Billy's mother and accepts the Mark of the Beast, they'll spare his and Billy's lives. David nobly tells the villains that they can do whatever they want to Billy, because Billy loves Jesus and is sooo not afraid of a little beheading.
Say what you want about UNITE, but they are an organization of their word. They chop Billy's head straight off. The kicker? In the next movie, David is alive and well, having been spared his execution. Our hero's great sacrifice was basically saying "fuck it, kill the kid."
Miracle Man (2013): The Birdemic of Christian Filmmaking
Miracle Man is the tale of Jesus Christ if he had been born in the modern era, had comic book super powers, and fought demons between trips to Hot Topic.
"Jesus saves ... YOU FOR LAST!"
In the movie, Jesus (J.C., if you're cool) does the old default messiah stuff -- brings his buddy Laz back to life, fights Lucifer, etc. -- which is all accomplished via CGI that would make the Syfy channel cringe. For instance, here's Jesus' famous temptation scene:
And here's him exorcising a demon from a possessed man:
Finally, here's him performing the miracle of resurrection with the power of the lens flare:
J.J. Abrams has been a false idol this whole time!
Surprisingly, this film did not meet with blockbuster commercial success. It was originally pitched as a television show, but Jesus apparently did not take the wheel in those meetings, since the filmmakers eventually mashed all the episodes together into a movie and released it for free on the Internet. Because that's where Christ is truly needed most: in a YouTube comment section.
"Fake."
For more Biblical insanity, check out The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible). And then check out 32 Insane Movie Ideas Built Out of Existing Movie Titles.
