Why 'Harry Potter' Is Based on a Terrible Decision

As much as we love the mythology of Harry Potter, it doesn't take more than five seconds of thought to realize that no 11-year-old kid would leave his family to live with a giant man-stranger presenting warm cake and promises of magic times ahead. Not even an abused orphan would take that pedo-bait.

So what if, instead of going to Hogwarts and fighting Voldemort, Harry took his magic and his dumbest friend and hightailed it to America? And what if, instead of using his powers to save the world from evil, he did a shit-ton of drugs and conned muggles to get by? In our version of Harry Potter, grown-up Harry is in exile and has taken in all the worst lessons America has to offer:

Ron based his American personality on a stereotype not even he understands:

And, Hermione, the one person who wants to save the world from Voldemort (or Vagina Man), knows she'll never cut it in LA and has got to get the other two back to Magicland:

In Episode 2, Hermione has found the chosen wizard the prophesies promised would save the world, only to discover he's nothing more than a petty thief with a drug addiction and a bad pun habit.

For everyone who ever thought Grown-Up Epilogue Harry would never marry an identical twin of his mother (come on, we were all thinking it), that Ron and Hermione's marriage wouldn't have made it past year one with all her nagging, and that the whole Harry Potter universe could use a gritty American reboot, Cracked Studios presents Welcome Back, Potter.