If 'Django' Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest
FADE IN:
EXT. TEXAS - 1858
CHAINED SLAVES are forced to walk barefoot through at least THREE DIFFERENT SEASONAL CHANGES by EVIL SLAVE TRADERS.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches in his TOOTHMOBILE.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Good evening! I am a German dentist turned bounty hunter and I wish to purchase Jamie Foxx.
JAMES REMAR
No way hosay.
(pause)
Hey wait a minute, I'm James Remar? Oh shit! That means ...
(is fucking shot dead)
CHRISTOPH shoots all the SLAVE TRADERS and FOUR GALLONS OF BLOOD spurt onto the screen, followed by SIX MORE GALLONS of BLOOD.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(unchains JAMIE)
Greetings! I am looking to collect the bounty for the Honky-Cracker Brothers and you know what they look like, so let's team up. Also I will help you rescue your wife Kerry Washington because there needs to be at least one good white person in this movie.
JAMIE FOXX
But I don't know anything about bounty hunting!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Then allow me to teach you! Just think of me as your own personal Obi-Wan. But first you must visit the wardrobe department and choose your costume!
JAMIE, given the freedom to dress himself, chooses to dress up as AUSTIN POWERS.
JAMIE FOXX
This blue crushed velvet suit just feels right, baby, yeah.
EXT. DON JOHNSON'S PLANTATION (IN THE DEEP FUCKING SOUTH)
JAMIE and CHRISTOPH ride up and are greeted by COLONEL SANDERS. Whoa, wait, that's DON JOHNSON? Holy shit.
DON JOHNSON
Pardon me while I use the N-word for several minutes in a comical fashion. This should make up for all those times I couldn't say it around Philip Michael Thomas.
JAMIE wanders off and finds HONKY-CRACKER BROTHER M.C. GAINEY, who is about to whip THE BLACK off of a HELPLESS SLAVE.
M.C. GAINEY
Jamie? Is that you? What the fuck are you wearing?
JAMIE FOXX
I am here to exact revenge on you for savagely whipping my wife in an oversaturated flashback.
M.C. GAINEY
But she called me "lard ass"! That really hurt my feelings!
JAMIE FOXX
Then I hope this bullet makes you feel better!
JAMIE kills GAINEY, then WHIPS THE FUCKING FUCK out of GAINEY'S BROTHER and shoots him IN THE FOREHEAD, THE SPLEEN, THE HEART, BOTH KIDNEYS, and then 14 MORE TIMES IN THE FOREHEAD.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Whoawhoawhoa, Jamie! I leave you alone for five minutes and you start killing evil slave owners WITHOUT ME?! I am seriously starting to regret unchaining you right now!
JAMIE FOXX
Look! The last Honky-Cracker Brother is getting away through that cotton field!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Ooooo! Cotton!
CHRISTOPH shoots GAINEY'S OTHER BROTHER and 17 GALLONS OF RED BLOOD spurt all over the WHITE COTTON.
DON JOHNSON
What in the Jesus fuck is going on here?!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Sir, I have a warrant that says we can totally kill the shit out of these guys.
DON JOHNSON
But Jamie whipped that one guy a new asshole first!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Uh, that's in the warrant, too. Trust me, it's all legal.
DON JOHNSON
Well, I guess I could just shoot you both dead and no one would be the wiser ... or let you go and try to kill you later.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I vote for that second one.
So does DON, and later that night, he and his KLANSMEN argue about their cheap knockoff SCARECROW MASKS before surrounding THE TOOTHMOBILE.
DON JOHNSON
Wait a second, I saw Roots. I'm pretty sure the KKK didn't show up until AFTER Reconstruction.
KLANSMAN JONAH HILL
(appearing)
Maybe Quentin Tarantino was counting on his audience being too stupid to know that in favor of seeing comical KKK members being brutally killed.
(collects paycheck)
(vanishes)
THE TOOTHMOBILE has a CAVITY filled with DYNAMITE and it EXPLODES! Lots of KKK members are KILLED, including DON. His RED BLOOD spurts all over his WHITE HORSE. Are you noticing a theme here?
JAMIE FOXX
So, Christoph, I have fulfilled my end of the bargain. Time to go rescue my wife!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Or we could do some more bounty hunting throughout the winter and go rescue her when it's summertime.
JAMIE FOXX
You're right. Even though Kerry's been a slave her entire life and is probably being raped or tortured at this very moment, I'm sure she can hold out until next spring.
THIS HAPPENS.
JAMIE and CHRISTOPH kill a bunch of WANTED CRIMINALS, because getting the CLEMENCY PAYS ACHIEVEMENT is just too much bother.
Also JAMIE brutally murders FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, who is WHITE, and therefore RACIST.
CHRISTOPH eventually finds out that SLAVE OWNER LEONARDO DICAPRIO owns JAMIE's wife KERRY WASHINGTON.
JAMIE FOXX
OK, now let's ride onto Leo's plantation violently, kill everybody violently, and rescue Kerry! Violently!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(wagging finger)
Uh-uh-uh. Then we will have a bounty on our heads. We must acquire Kerry legally.
JAMIE FOXX
Well, we've made a shitload of money bounty hunting, let's just approach Leo's lawyer and buy her!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(wagging finger)
Uh-uh-uh. Then the story would be over in under two hours and without a violently over-the-top climax, which is unheard of for a Tarantino epic. No, we must pretend as though we want to buy one of Leo's Mandingo fighters first, then offhandedly buy Kerry and skip town with her.
JAMIE FOXX
But what happens when Leo finds out we were just dicking him around? Won't he get really angry and come after us like Don did?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Not to worry, Jamie. My plan will go completely to shit long before that happens.
JAMIE FOXX
OK then. Let's shake on it.
(extends hand for a shake)
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(pulling a gun)
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Back the fuck off, Jamie! YOU MUST NEVER ask to shake my hand! Not EVER! I've got Howie Mandel syndrome big time, and so I am VERY sensitive about shaking hands! I'll let you live this time, but I vow to kill the very next man who tries to shake my hand!
INT. MANDINGOS 'R' US - MISSISSIPPI (IN THE DEEPEST PART OF THE DEEP FUCKING SOUTH)
JAMIE and CHRISTOPH meet LEONARDO DICAPRIO, who's wearing GEORGE WASHINGTON'S TEETH for some reason. LEO has a front row seat to a brutal MMA FIGHT, aka MANDINGO FIGHTING.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I do declare, gentlemen. I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. Please, allow me to introduce you to my bodyguard ... James Remar?
JAMES REMAR
The hell? I'm playing another character? COOL! I'm sure Tarantino brought me back for a reason and not just to kill me off twice in the same movie!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Uh, yeah, sure he did, James. So, Christoph, I hear you are interested in buying one of my Mandingo fighters ...
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(wagging finger)
Uh-uh-uh, we wouldn't want things to progress too quickly now, would we? Let's discuss this deal back at your Candyland plantation.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
But it's pretty far away. Maybe we can just cut to the next scene and be there already?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
No. It seems the editor doesn't know the meaning of "pacing" and opted to show people riding around on horses for half an hour instead.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Sally Menke, you are missed.
On the way to CANDYLAND they encounter one of LEO'S MANDINGO FIGHTERS, who was caught trying to run away.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
(reading from How to Get an Oscar Nomination for Dummies ...)
It says here I need to be a real bastard and do something extremely evil and disturbing to make you love to hate me. Having this poor helpless Mandingo slave ripped apart by wild dogs should do the trick!
THE MANDINGO is ripped THE FUCK APART by RACIST DOGS. LEO makes SWEET EYE-CONTACT LOVE with JAMIE as it happens.
EXT. LEO'S CANDYLAND PLANTATION
JAMIE, CHRISTOPH, and LEO arrive and are greeted by SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON, who is at least 200 YEARS OLD.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
N-word N-word N-word N-word motherfucking N-word N-word N-word Jamie you N-word N-word I hate you you stupid no good N-word N-word N-word N-word.
QUENTIN TARANTINO
Sam, I think you left out a couple of N-words there.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Really? You sure that's not too many?
QUENTIN TARANTINO
There can never be too many N-words in my movies, Sam. I will just have to settle for 109.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Maybe you'll get to use more N-words in your next film?
QUENTIN TARANTINO
(wistfully)
One can only hope.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Soooooo, I hear you gentlemen have a German-speaking slave here named Kerry. Where is she?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
I have locked her in that metal box over there where the heat is cooking her alive. I'm evil, you see. I have traded in my dignity and humanity for a life of comfort and second-in-command status.
JAMIE FOXX
So you're like a black Dick Cheney.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, Dick Cheney is like a white me.
JAMIE witnesses his wife KERRY WASHINGTON being pulled out of THE HOT BOX and gets so angry that he is about to GUN EVERYBODY THE FUCK DOWN. But he DOESN'T.
JAMIE FOXX
I will not let my inner conflict get the best of me and will instead suffer in silence.
(pause)
Strange how my acting is at its best when I have no lines.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Hey, isn't it funny how I'm a dentist and we're at Candyland, which is owned by a guy with really bad teeth? Did anybody else catch that?
(pause)
No? Just me? OK then.
INT. LEO'S HOUSE
KERRY is brought to CHRISTOPH's room and is let in on THE PLAN.
JAMIE FOXX
Kerry, we're here to rescue you, but our entire plan hinges on you pretending not to know me. Can you do that?
KERRY WASHINGTON
Sure!
At DINNER, KERRY practically ANNOUNCES TO THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD that she KNOWS and LOVES JAMIE, but only SAMUEL sees it.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Mothafuckas! You N-words are trying to pull a fast one on my N-word Leo!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Guards! Seize them!
JAMIE and CHRISTOPH are captured.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
HA HA! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD TRICK THE KING OF THE WORLD! BUT YOU TWO ASSHOLES HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Why are you yelling your lines all of a sudden?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
IT'S CALLED ACTING, CHRISTOPH. HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? IT'S KIND OF MY THING ...
(realizing)
Holy shit, why is my hand bleeding? Is my blood trying to escape my body in protest of my blatant Oscar baiting?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I think you cut your hand on some glass. Like for real.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Are you sure? You'd think Tarantino could have communicated that to the audience a little better with a close-up.
JAMIE FOXX
Maybe if you were a chick and it was your foot you cut.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Speaking of which, aside from the jarring musical choices, nearly all of Tarantino's signature trademarks are missing from this film.
JAMIE FOXX
You're right. We're two hours in and Tarantino hasn't bukkaked the audience with a single monologue that drones on for 10 minutes ...
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
(pulling out a human skull)
Time for me to explain why black people are inferior to white people because of some pseudoscience bullshit about skull dimples that only morons would believe.
JAMIE FOXX
Damn. So close.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Now, I could just kill you and Christoph and steal your money ... or legally sell Kerry to you for 12,000 bucks.
THIS HAPPENS.
The AUDIENCE is treated to some real edge-of-your-seat RECEIPT MAKING.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Hmm. I guess we managed to avoid a gratuitously violent climax after all. Time for Jamie, Kerry, and I to be going now-
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Wait, Christoph! In order for this deal to be fully legal, you must ... jump rope with me!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
What? That's an odd request, but OK.
(jumps rope with LEO)
Now we'll be getting out of here-
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Not so fast! For the deal to be official, you must also ... give me a root canal! And I don't have insurance, so you must do it pro bono!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Grrr, OK. But you're pushing it, DiCaprio!
(gives LEO a root canal)
Now we're leaving ...
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Wait! There is one very last thing you must do before you can go, Christoph! I insist that you ... SHAKE MY HAND!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(pause)
Oh. Now I pretty much have to kill you.
CHRISTOPH shoots LEO. SAMUEL mourns, HILARIOUSLY.
JAMIE FOXX
The fuck, Christoph?! All you had to do was shake his damn hand and we were out of here!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
But I had to do it, Jamie! We Germans cannot tolerate letting a power-hungry dictator like that oppress, torture, and murder a defenseless minority! Well, at least not for another 80 years or so!
JAMES REMAR shoots CHRISTOPH with a ROCKET LAUNCHER, killing him.
JAMIE FOXX
Aw hell naw!
(shoots JAMES)
JAMES REMAR
Goddammit.
(dies, again)
JAMIE SHOOTS THE LIVING FUCK out of EVERYTHING. A BILLION GALLONS of RED BLOOD spurt all over the WHITE WALLS. We're talking FULL-ON GALLAGHER here.
JAMIE rescues KERRY and they ride off into the SUNSET.
ROLL CREDITS.
END
AUDIENCE
(getting up to leave)
Phew! And just when my bladder was about to blow up-
QUENTIN TARANTINO
Kidding! The movie goes on for another 30 minutes!
AUDIENCE
Fuck!
(sits back down)
(struggles to hold the PEE in)
JAMIE is CAPTURED and RE-CHAINED. We also get an EYEFUL of HIS DONG. LADIES.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
The smart thing to do would be to kill you, but instead we're going to sell you to some Australian miners, thus giving you the chance to escape and return even stronger than before.
THIS HAPPENS.
But first we are shown a FILLER SCENE where QUENTIN TARANTINO assaults the AUDIENCE with his HORRIBLE ACTING and his GODAWFUL AUSTRALIAN ACCENT, but he realizes his mistake and kindly BLOWS HIMSELF THE FUCK UP.
JAMIE returns to CANDYLAND and liberates all the WHITE PEOPLE'S SOULS from their BODIES.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Look, I may have been a tad harsh earlier, calling you a stupid goddamn N-word, but come on! I'm black, you're black, we're on the same side! Let's say you and me join forces and-
(is shot in the KNEECAP)
OH YOU STUPID GODDAMN N-WORD!
JAMIE FOXX
I guess I could just finish you off and leave, thereby maintaining my character's cool stoicism.
(pause)
Or I could talk for a bit and act like a smug, self-important asshole, not unlike Jamie Foxx.
He DOES THAT.
JAMIE FOXX
Hey, Sam, when you get to hell, tell 'em "Steamin" Willie Beamen sent you.
JAMIE uses DYNAMITE to blow up SAMUEL and CANDYLAND.
LEO'S SLAVES
Oh no! Now we are on our own without food or shelter or basic survival skills! Where will we go? What will happen to us when angry slave owners come to investigate what happened?
JAMIE FOXX
Not my problem. Now pardon me while I prolong the ending further with some silly horse dancing.
HE DOES.
Then JAMIE and KERRY ride off into the SUNSET together (for real this time).
And after seeing the film's HUGE BOX OFFICE NUMBERS and FRESH TOMATO SCORE, SPIKE LEE cries.
END
