The Top 25 Cracked Articles of 2012
The views have been tallied. The critics have been ignored. Nothing but the hits: The 25 most crazy popular articles we put up this year.
The 10 Most Satisfying Cases of Hecklers Getting Destroyed
A live stand-up comedy show audience is the closest real life gets to the Internet mentality. Maybe it's the booze. Maybe the atmosphere puts off an "act however you want without repercussions" vibe. But whatever the reason, every show ends up with some socially inept, attention-starved audience member talking back to the comic and fucking it all up for everyone else. I hate hecklers. I can't imagine being the type of person who sits in the dark while a professional with a microphone is trying to perform and immediately thinks, "You know what this situation needs? My annoying fucking voice."
So, I collect YouTube videos of comics giving hecklers a verbal beat-down. They're tremendously satisfying, to the point that I would consider going into stand-up comedy just so I could some day shit all over a heckler. Until then, I'll just have to admire the work of the masters ...
5 Actors Who Do the Exact Same Thing in Every Movie
Everyone assumes that directors and writers decide what happens in a movie, but many times the movie star is the most powerful person involved with the project. For instance, when Jim Carrey wanted to make a movie about his favorite number, The Number 23 hit theaters across the country. A much more entertaining abuse of this star power occurs when huge movie stars decide they look awesome doing something, and proceed to force that something into every movie they make. For instance ...
6 Fictional Places You Didn't Know Actually Existed
Part of what makes fantasy and sci-fi appealing is that it's not just a bunch of characters -- it's a whole world. One you want to live in.
That's true even if it's an objectively bad place -- Gotham City looks like a shithole, but who wouldn't trade their current life with a chance to go there and fight supercriminals with Batman? Of course, that's part of the frustration, too -- we'll never actually see the Shire or Mordor firsthand. But you can come pretty close, because it turns out a lot of these fantasy settings were based on real places. For instance ...
8 Ordinary Photos Hiding Mind-Blowing Details
We live in an age where we're constantly bombarded by images from every conceivable direction, and as a result we rarely stop to look at them for more than a few seconds, unless they come with the promise of a visible areola. However, sometimes a photo that looks completely boring and mundane at first glance can reveal mind-blowing details once you bother to take a closer look at it. Like two visible areolas.
The next time you're absent-mindedly scrolling down your Tumblr feed, keep in mind that one of those photos you're ignoring could be hiding something that will change the world ...
6 Insane (But Convincing) Fan Theories About Kids' Cartoons
For every innocent cartoon out there, there's at least one obsessive fan on the Internet who managed to crap out a semi-coherent theory finding something disturbing about it, like that Tom & Jerry was actually Nazi propaganda, or that Barney & Friends is a metaphor for the Watergate scandal. But just like a broken watch, even the Internet is right every once in a while: The most disturbing fan theories are the ones where you just can't help but agree with them ...
6 Creepy Things You Never Noticed About Famous Kids' Cartoons
The longer and harder you look at something, the more grotesque it's going to get. Which is why you should never examine private parts or innocent TV shows too closely. Unfortunately, we did both.
Here are six more classic kids' shows that are actually set in terrifying universes ...
6 Horrible Aftermaths Implied by Movies With Happy Endings
It's amazing how you can ruin a movie's perfectly happy ending with a little bit of analysis (as we've previously shown here and here). For instance, in the following films, the ending turned out just fine for the main character, but totally screwed characters who were left conveniently off-screen.
For instance ...
18 Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped (Part 9)
As we've demonstrated many times before in our most popular feature on Cracked, the forces of the universe love the sound of people shouting "Fake!" at their computer screens, and photographers love to capture the proof. In case you missed the previous episodes, here's Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, the gritty reboot that doesn't acknowledge the previous editions, Part 6, Part 7, and Part 8.
And now ...
The 7 Most Baffling Things About Women's Clothes
There are a lot of annoying things about being a woman, like periods, childbirth, and not being able to play basketball in a way that keeps spectators awake. But near the top of the list has got to be buying clothes.
I know one way to fix it is just to be ballsy and wear men's clothes, and that's a bold choice. But you take a social hit for wearing "masculine" clothes, and most women don't want to take that hit. So they go to buy clothes made specifically "for women," and generally find a set of the most impractical, low-quality, high-maintenance crap that a sweatshop can make.
Here are a few of the many, many awful things about the clothes that manufacturers want women to wear ...
5 Things Nobody Tells You About Living in Japan
Two years ago, I achieved alpha-geek status among my friends by moving to Japan. Since then, all I've been hearing from them is how lucky I am and how they would murder any endangered species still clinging tenaciously to existence in exchange for permission to live in my closet. And I totally get it, because come on, it's Japan -- the wackiest, most interesting place on the planet. Who wouldn't want to live here?
Well ... you might not, actually. Because while there are plenty of great reasons to live in Japan, such as the low crime rate and the amazing public transportation system, there are a few things you should know before you decide to pack up your manga and hop on a jet across the Pacific, wearing rabbit ears and flashing peace signs at everyone who makes eye contact with you. For starters ...
The 6 Creepiest Lies the Food Industry Is Feeding You
As we've talked about before, the food industry is based almost entirely on a series of lies that, quite frankly, most of us just prefer to believe ("'All natural?' Sounds healthy to me!"). But we have to draw the line somewhere, right? Especially when the food you buy has nothing to do with what it says on the label ...
5 Ridiculous Sex Myths Everyone Believes
What do you know about sex? Surely there aren't many of you who would answer "nothing." Even if you're the most inexperienced or inept lover of all time (which we've been assured you are), you at least have some preconceived notions about sex based on the stories and anecdotes and stand-up comedy you've heard over the years.
But here's the thing -- even with all of that going for you, the real and correct answer is still probably "nothing." For instance, you probably think ...
9 Actors Who Do the Exact Same Thing on Every Movie Poster
You wouldn't think there'd be many specific rules for movie posters beyond "make the star look cool" and "don't show any dong." But as we've mentioned before, certain actors seem to have amazingly specific and arbitrary elements that must be included at all costs, logic be damned. For instance ...
Greatest Note Ever Left on a Dented Car
Dear Car Owner,
You may have noticed the dent on the left side of your car. If not, allow me to draw your attention to it now. As you can see, it is there, and so is this note, and now two and two are getting put together in your head. Allow me to confirm your suspicions: The dent and note are connected. I have dented your car and wish to apologize for it ...
7 Movies That Put Insane Detail into Stuff You Never Noticed
We've mentioned before how film directors occasionally go a little bit crazy when it comes to certain minor details, including ones that 99 percent of the audience are never even going to see. A horrifying amount of time and work go into things that will be forever unnoticed by everyone except a few members of the crew. So let's again take a moment to appreciate the awesomely obsessive ...
6 Ridiculous Lies You Believe About the Founding of America
When it comes to the birth of America, most of us are working from a stew of elementary school history lessons, Westerns, and vague Thanksgiving mythology. And while it's not surprising that those sources might biff a couple details, what's shocking is how much less interesting the version we learned was. It turns out our teachers, Hollywood, and whoever we got our Thanksgiving mythology from (Big Turkey?) all made America's origin story far more boring than it actually was for some very disturbing reasons. For instance ...
6 Real People With Mind-Blowing Mutant Superpowers
We've all dreamed of having superpowers at some point (today), but the majority of us have to accept the sobering reality that preternatural abilities simply aren't possible. That is, except for some rare cases of real, actual people with bona fide powers that defy explanation (and in some cases practical application).
For instance ...
6 Famous Symbols That Don't Mean What You Think
The entire point of using a symbol is that it conveys meaning and saves space -- you see one picture of a stick figure in a dress and you no longer need the phrase "This is the place where female humans can discharge waste." But what is fascinating is that sometimes the meaning of a symbol will get lost to history, but we just keep right on using it anyway.
But would we do that if we knew ...
The 5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor
As some of you know, until the last couple of years, I was poor as shit. The first 18 years, I was a kid and couldn't do anything about it. The next 17, I was still a kid and wouldn't do anything about it. I take full responsibility for that, and I don't point a finger at anyone for the way I lived. I dug my own hole.
But along the way, a few miracles happened (including landing a job that doesn't suck), and I've finally found myself living the way I always pictured a normal person would: bills paid, groceries in the fridge, and two gold-plated nude statues of myself standing proudly in my front yard.
But as anybody who's been through the poverty gauntlet can tell you, it changes a person. And it doesn't go away just because you're no longer fighting hobos for their moonshine. For instance ...
6 Mind-Blowing Special Effects You Won't Believe Aren't CGI
Computer generated images are like the foam sets of the present era: 20 years from now, people are going to laugh their asses off at the fact that this stuff looked even remotely real to us.
That's why, as we've mentioned before, there are still filmmakers doing special effects the old-fashioned way -- even if the results are so impressive that you'd never know it's not CGI ...
5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women
If you're not the type to keep up with ugly, soul-killing political controversies, let me catch you up: A while back, hugely popular political commentator Rush Limbaugh lost a bunch of advertisers because he publicly called a college girl a slut and a prostitute after she suggested that health insurance plans should cover birth control. But he's paid to say outrageous things. If you really want to feel all dead inside, you need to listen to what the regular folk were saying.
This current of white-hot rage has to come as a surprise to some of you, because we tend to think "sexism" is being dismissive toward women, or paying them lower salaries -- we don't think of it as frenzied "Burn the witch!" hatred. Yet occasionally something like this Limbaugh thing will come along to prick that balloon, and out it pours. Like it's always waiting there, a millimeter below the surface.
Why? Well, you see ...
6 Things Rich People Need to Stop Saying
All of a sudden, it's like you can't make huge amounts of money without people getting all pissed off about it. And it's only going to get worse -- with the election coming up and the weather getting warmer, this whole "Occupy" movement is probably going to come back strong. The 1 percent will feel even more besieged than before.
"What the hell?" you're probably thinking, if you're somehow both rich and reading an article with this title, "I didn't crash the economy!" You might even be tempted to take to a microphone to defend yourself and your wealthy friends. But before you do, I want you to stop and ask yourself, "Will this make me sound like an out-of-touch douchebag?"
5 True Stories Cut from Movies for Being Too Unrealistic
As we've repeatedly pointed out, in Hollywood the words "Based on a True Story" are usually just a code for "Vaguely Resembling a True Story, but Mostly Bullshit." Sometimes, the filmmakers feel like they have to lie and make up stuff to make the story more interesting -- but it turns out that other times, they actually have to cut stuff that really happened because it's all so awesome that no one would believe it.
Here are some mind-blowing moments from real life that Hollywood decided were too fantastic, even for their movies.
14 Photographs That Shatter Your Image of Famous People
When you step out the door, you're playing a role. Whether you're a hippie, stock broker, police officer, or biker, you dress the way the world expects you to dress, you act the way the world expects you to act. So you can imagine how much more intense this is for celebrities, whose very careers depend on managing a public image down to the molecule.
But even they can't keep the occasional image-shattering photo from leaking out to the public ...
6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person
2013, motherfuckers. Yeah! LET'S DO THIS.
"Do what?" you ask. I DON'T KNOW. LET'S FIGURE THAT OUT TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Feel free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you're thrilled with your life, and you're happy with your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. You're doing a great job, we're all proud of you.
For the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room. But here's the catch -- you're not allowed to list anything you are (i.e., I'm a nice guy, I'm honest), but instead can only list things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make the best chili in Massachusetts). If you found that difficult, well, this is for you, and you are going to fucking hate hearing it. My only defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995 or so ...
