If 'Avengers' Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

FADE IN:

EXT. INTERGALACTIC COSMIC HOLLYWOOD BASEMENT

SHADOWY ALIEN FIGURES in IMPLAUSIBLE OUTFITS are talking to each other OMINOUSLY.

SHADOWY FIGURE

You must invade Earth for us, Probably Tom Hiddleston. It's getting pretty cramped here in my mother ship -- I mean, the vastness of galactic space. We'll give you an army of reptilian things and a stick that does whatever you need it to do at that exact given moment.

PROBABLY TOM HIDDLESTON

A lizard army and free sinister new tools? Geez, I should fall into never-ending chasms more often.

Everyone in the AUDIENCE tries as hard as possible to ignore how similar this opening scene is to GREEN LANTERN.

EXT. TOP SECRET UNDERGROUND FACILITY

CLARK GREGG immediately establishes his mid-level badassery by WEARING SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON arrives, immediately establishes his high-level badassery by WEARING A TRENCH COAT AND AN EYE PATCH SIMULTANEOUSLY and walks briskly next to COBIE SMULDERS.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I just got off the phone with the president, care to tell me how I should explain to him that our top secret military thing-that-we-found turned itself on all by itself, itself!?

COBIE SMULDERS

Wait, did we get a Michael Bay script by accident? Is there an asteroid headed for Earth?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Nah, that's just writer/director Joss Whedon dialogue. Funny when it's trying to be funny, hilarious when it's trying to be serious.

They investigate their MYSTERIOUS BLUE CUBE, which decides to start shooting RANDOM CGI WISPS EVERYWHERE at that exact moment.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Where the hell is Jeremy Renner? If an archery target comes out of that thing, I want to be ready.

COBIE SMULDERS

Oh, he's up in his NEST, you know how he hates to be CAGED. Just CRANE your neck up, see?

(pause)

The guy didn't get his own movie, alright? This is the best we can do.

JEREMY comes down off his PERCH to talk to COBIE, SAMUEL and STELLAN SKARSGARD.

"Shooting arrows is my business, and business is ... disappointing."

JEREMY RENNER

As the only person unqualified to make this observation, I'd like to point out that the cube is a door, and doors open both ways, except for the kinds of doors that only open one way.

SUDDENLY, TOM HIDDLESTON emerges from a PORTAL carrying his MAGIC STICK.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Muahaha, bow before me, puny man-animals! I am Loki, wearer of impossibly ridiculous helmets!

TOM quickly WRECKS EVERYONE'S SHIT in a frantic effort to prove that he will later be a match for FOUR WALKING SUPERWEAPONS, despite looking like a SCRAWNY BRITISH FANCY MAN.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Let's see ... who should I brainwash? Film convention assures me that the scientist with the foreign accent will be useful for tech bullshit, and Jeremy Renner has heart, which should be useful for ... heart-related villainy.

TOM takes the BLUE CUBE and uses his SCEPTER to enslave JEREMY and STELLAN, then ESCAPES!

COBIE SMULDERS

So we open with the bad guy from Thor stealing the device from Captain America from the mysterious government agents from Iron Man 2, eh?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

It's better than the original idea: Just opening with a title card saying "If you didn't watch our other movies, fuck you."

INT. TOP SECRET RUSSIAN CRIME HIDEOUT

SCARLETT JOHANSSON is tied up, being interrogated by RANDOM RUSSIAN DUDES.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Am I tied to this chair so that I can't strike a self-aware, sexy pose every four seconds? Because it won't work.

SCARLETT escapes the chair and beats everyone up while being ATTRACTIVE.

RANDOM RUSSIAN BAD GUY

Did you just punch me with your hair?

(dies)

CLARK GREGG

(on phone)

Agent Johansson, we have a situation. A nigh-invulnerable demigod has attacked our world, and he stole a blue MacGuffin and ... a foreign scientist.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh my God. The foreign scientist will do tech bullshit to the cube and destroy everything!

CLARK GREGG

Don't worry, we've sent a guy on 1940s steroids with a buckler shield to bring him in. Just in case that fails, though, we need you to bring in Mark Ruffalo. He's the new Hulk because apparently Edward Norton is a detestable cunt to work with.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

What about you, Agent Gregg?

CLARK GREGG

I'm off to get Robert Downey Jr. My bland everyman persona makes me the perfect candidate for recruiting a smug, self-aware alcoholic.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Then I'll get right on it. Just as soon as I change into a slightly tighter leather outfit, this one doesn't quite show the outline of my sphincter.

EXT. INDIA

SCARLETT tracks down MARK RUFFALO effortlessly, demolishing the plot of the last movie with a throwaway crack about always knowing where he is.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Mark, we need you to join the Avengers Initiative. It's based off Mark Millar's The Ultimates comic book series.

MARK RUFFALO

Oh, so it has husband-and-wife heroes Wasp and Giant Man, where Giant Man beats the shit out of his wife and attacks her using an army of ants?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well, no ...

MARK RUFFALO

OK, but I assume brother-and-sister duo Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch show up for about 10 seconds to subtly imply they are fucking, right?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Er, no. Jesus, no.

MARK RUFFALO

Oh. So just the part about Nick Fury being a black guy?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Yes!

INT. FANCY PARTY ... GERMANY

TOM HIDDLESTON shows up and uses his ASGARDIAN EYE STRUCTURE HOLOGRAPHIC DEVICE SPECIFICALLY FOR EYES to break into a place and get some UNOBTAINIUM.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Bow before me! I may be a god, but I have incredibly low self-esteem and I require the worship of the beings I claim to be as insignificant as ants! Now I shall illustrate my power by murdering the weakest, oldest man here!

Suddenly, CHRIS EVANS shows up and STOPS HIM.

CHRIS EVANS

Tom, your behavior tonight is worthy of a dryly delivered, understated quip!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Where the hell did you come from? You clearly didn't parachute in, and I would have heard a jet above me. Whatever, do you really think you can stop me?

CHRIS EVANS

Stop you? I just want to stand next to someone wearing a more ridiculous outfit than me. I'm pretty sure I'm in a blue spandex hoodie.

"I'll tell you where the costume budget didn't go."

They FIGHT for a while and CHRIS gets PUMMELED, quickly establishing his worthiness as LEADER, just before he is rescued by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Hey, I heard you guys were trying to trade humorous barbs. Whedon saved all those for me, knock it off. Chris, you look like a big blue penis, har har!

The HEROES decide to bring TOM HIDDLESTON back to their BASE, because apparently DUE PROCESS applies to TRICKSTER GODS as well. Suddenly, CHRIS HEMSWORTH shows up and chastises TOM.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I have come to stop you, brah!

(pause)

Er, I mean, do I look to be in a gaming mood? Betwixt! Verily!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Brother, it must have taken every ounce of the All-father's hurberble to plugurble you back to Earth. Let's discuss it no more.

"Let us also not discuss how utterly pointless all those guards are."

Suddenly, HEMSWORTH, EVANS and DOWNEY JR. look around and notice it's their first on-screen appearance together.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Quick, someone think of a super contrived reason for us to fight!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I'll fight you because you want to fight your brother, who I also want to fight!

CHRIS EVANS

And I'll fight you both because I want you to stop fighting!

They proceed to act out their STATS from THE AVENGERS COLLECTIBLE TRADING CARD GAME and establish they are all EXACTLY EQUAL IN POWER, somehow. Guy on steroids, genius in a robot suit, invincible deity: basically identical.

CHRIS EVANS

Hang on a second, your hammer has decimated everything you've ever hit with it, you had no way of knowing my shield or Robert's armor would protect us. Did you just attempt to straight-up murder us? Don't change the scene, I want an answer to thi-

INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. AIR BASE

EVANS, HEMSWORTH, DOWNEY JR., RUFFALO, JOHANSSON, and SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON bring TOM HIDDLESTON aboard and lock him in a TUBE.

COBIE SMULDERS

Welcome to our new operations center in the sky. Because when dealing with alien technology you don't understand, the only place to be when it malfunctions that's better than miles below ground is miles above it!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Badass home base, guys, I like that the thing that your aircraft land on is also an aircraft. You ever consider giving your pilots jet packs, too?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Listen, we need to get Jeremy Renner back, I guarantee everyone watching is all like "Awww man, where's Hawkeye? He's my favorite!"

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Unfortunately, we're unable to make progress because we all instantly hate each other for no particular reason!

CHRIS EVANS

And I seem to hate you most of all, annoyed that you're so arrogant despite being just a regular man with a powerful suit, ignoring the irony that my powers came out of a syringe and my only weapon was made by your father.

MARK RUFFALO

Wow, you guys are all really unlikeable dicks. Oh hey, I see where The Ultimates comes in now!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Enough is enough! I've had it with these motherfucking snarks on this motherfucking helicarrier! All of you, prepare to immediately face an enemy that requires you to see past your differences and work together!

SAMUEL storms out, narrowly missing obstacles.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I don't trust that guy. I think he wants to use the Blue Cube to build a nuclear deterrent, which upsets me even though the exact same argument was made against my suit in my last movie.

CHRIS EVANS

Look, I know you don't trust the government, but I insist we follow the orders of our superiors. Unless they decide to force superheroes to register with them, in which case you and I will completely swap viewpoints.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Well I trust them completely. I know they escorted Natalie Portman to safety because they put her head shot on a monitor and spent the time to explain why her contract negotiations fell through.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

We'll find out soon enough. I've set my phone to automatically hack the top-secret government agency's entire computer network, which is supposed to make me look smart but in fact makes the government look idiotic.

In retrospect, Android wasn't the ideal OS to run a helicarrier.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

You can do that? You've never hacked any actress's cellphones, have you?

Everyone continues BICKERING so SCARLETT JOHANSSON goes to interrogate TOM HIDDLESTON.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Tom, I'm here to manipulate you into revealing your purpose on this ship, which I will do by unloading tons of apparently true back story about myself.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Do you divulge this much information to all your enemies? For a veteran spy, you're pretty green.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Green? You fool, you've given everything away, I know you came here to unleash Mark Ruffalo's alter ego!

TOM HIDDLESTON

You realize that Mark Ruffalo was literally the only thing I talked about to Sam Jackson, right?

Suddenly, JEREMY RENNER attacks and MARK RUFFALO turns into GREEN MARK RUFFALO. CHRIS HEMSWORTH fights him while SCARLETT shits her UNITARD.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I need to go manually fix the engines of this helicarrier so we don't all die! Evans, demonstrate your value to the team by pulling a red lever when I ask, and occasionally shooting bad guys with the same gun that any old dipshit can use!

CHRIS EVANS

So Joss Whedon kind of hates Captain America, huh?

GREEN MARK RUFFALO fucks everything royally UP. Meanwhile, TOM HIDDLESTON escapes!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Muahaha! At last, I have unleashed a force powerful enough to stop me! Mine is the truly greatest mind in supervillainy!

CLARK GREGG

Not so fast, Tom. I'm going to use this weapon to st-

(stabbed)

TOM HIDDLESTON

Haw haw, you've been Whedoned!

CLARK GREGG

It's alright, I still have a chance to exposit precisely what narrative function my death serves: This will be of such shocking emotional impact that it brings the entire team together.

(dies)

TOM HIDDLESTON

I think you might have overinflated your importance, Agent Whatshisname.

Amazingly, he HAS NOT. TOM ESCAPES but SCARLETT punches JEREMY RENNER in the brain, which cures SCEPTER MAGIC.

INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON delivers a heartwarming speech about togetherness, the foundation of which is CLARK GREGG's man-crush on CHRIS EVANS.

CHRIS EVANS

Well, now that someone has died due to our egomania and tardiness, I feel like we can finally call ourselves the Avengers and validate our namesake. Teamwork!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

My Random Quip Generator got damaged in the last fight, so yeah, I'm in.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I shall assist, mainly because I'm stuck here on Earth without the Blue Cube, but also, more importantly, because I'm stuck here on Earth without the Blue Cube.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

You're going to need a strong female character down there. My boobs will hold her position open until she arrives, and I can use my pistol, which will be of absolutely no use whatsoever, I don't even know why I'm bringing it.

JEREMY RENNER

And don't worry, everyone, Hawkeye is back, ready to shoot an arrow at something in case we run out of bullets!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

TOM HIDDLESTON uses the BLUE CUBE to open a PORTAL to ALIEN ROCK WORLD, unleashing tons of LIZARD MONSTER GUYS and a few GIANT TURTLE ROBOT MONSTERS.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Foolish mortals, I shall destroy all of your cars! Everyone get out of the way, I don't want you to get hurt when I explode all of your cars!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Something something avenge the world. Good, I think that's enough awkward sandwiching in of the word "avenge" to justify the title. Let's do it!

DOWNEY JR., HEMSWORTH, JOHANSSON, RUFFALO, RENNER and UNCONVINCING CGI CHRIS EVANS drop in and start killing the ALIENS, who don't resemble humans enough to earn an R rating.

CHRIS EVANS

Alright, guys, there's no time for any of that boring character development nonsense, let's get on with the asskickery!

MARK RUFFALO

Sweet, another 40 minutes of nonstop action, just like Transformers 3, except AWESOME, amiright, fellas?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wait, nerds like this? It's just another overlong brainless action scene like in every other movie. Complete spectacle over substance, same old formula.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh, come on, can't you just turn your brain off for two hours and enjoy some entertainment?

Look! Fire and shinies!

JEREMY RENNER

What?! That's exactly what people say about garbage like The Fast and the Furious and Transformers before you nerds tell them Michael Bay sodomized your childhoods! What the hell makes this any different?

MARK RUFFALO

JOSS WHEDON IS ONE OF US!

MARK, enraged, transforms into GREEN MARK!

GREEN MARK RUFFALO

GREEN MARK SUDDENLY CAPABLE OF DISTINGUISHING FRIENDS FROM FOES! RRRRRAGGGGGHHHHH!

The 6 HEROES pair up in all 15 POSSIBLE COMBINATIONS to KICK ASS, slowly exhausting every SPECIAL MOVE from MARVEL: ULTIMATE ALLIANCE 2.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Stellan Skarsgard, your foreignness and scienceitude have doomed us all!

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Wait, Scarlett, in my hypnotic state I managed to build a thing into the thing, so you can close the portal!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Not before I shoot this nuclear missile through it and blow up the alien mother ship!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Doesn't using a nuke kind of invalidate your earlier criticism that building weapons out of the Blue Cube would be reckless?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Entirely, and it also makes you wonder why we didn't do it sooner to avoid destroying half the city by fighting the aliens one-on-one!

The NUKE destroys the ALIEN MOTHER SHIP by exploding. In SPACE.

All of the INVADING REPTILE MONSTERS instantly DROP DEAD, because they're also ROBOTS or SOMETHING.

INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. AIR BASE

THE AVENGERS win everything. REPORTERS allude to possible sequel ideas and that GIRL FROM WHAT WOMEN WANT appears for four seconds to evaluate her career.

Meanwhile, SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON meets with a shadowy group of conspirators via satellite.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

We won, gentlemen. What do you want me to do next, considering I'm contractually obligated to wear this eye-patch like 50 more times?

SHADOWY POWERS BOOTHE

Well, we kind of assumed we'd be the villains in the sequel, but the credits stinger seems to indicate it's Thanos. The guy with the magical glove, really?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Yeah, we more or less pulled off the Skrulls, we can pretty much do anything now. Even the Ms. Marvel pregnancy story line is on the table.

SHADOWY POWERS BOOTHE

Well, that just gravels my voice. By the way, Sam, did you watch the movie in 2-D or 3-D? Ha ha!

The movie proceeds to make ALL OF THE MONEY, pretty much ensuring the creation of an unbelievably terrible JUSTICE LEAGUE movie.

END ...

EDWARD NORTON

Fuck.

END