If Hunger Games Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Percent Honest
The-Editing-Room.com is one of our favorite humor sites on the Internet. They've written abridged versions of some of the most popular movies from the past five years for us. Below, they've summarized The Hunger Games, so you can make fun of it without actually spending the money to go see it.
FADE IN:
EXT. DISTRICT 12
JENNIFER LAWRENCE and LIAM HEMSWORTH walk to the town square sullenly.
LIAM HEMSWORTH
God, I hate having to come to the Reaping every year. It's like, Hilary Swank as a scientist, really?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
No no, you're thinking of the 2007 plague movie. This is just when a male and female child are selected at random to fight other children to the death, so nowhere near as bad as that.
LIAM HEMSWORTH
Pfffffffffft, that's such a ripoff of Battle Royale, a popular Japanese film I hope you haven't heard of, thus making me look hip and smart!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Actually, since you could have realized that four years ago when the book came out, the only thing you've shown is that you don't read books.
ELIZABETH BANKS, caked in HEATH LEDGER'S TEST MAKEUP FROM DARK KNIGHT, walks out onto a stage.
ELIZABETH BANKS
Oooooo, I will now select this year's female tribute without even the slightest hint of awareness that this is actually a process people don't like!
ELIZABETH BANKS selects JENNIFER'S SISTER, WILLOW SHIELDS.
WILLOW SHIELDS
I can't open my eyes with terror any wider, won't somebody do something?!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Stop, I volunteer! I am not the greatest girl in the world, no, I am just a tribuuuuute!
ELIZABETH BANKS
Great! And for the male tribute ...
(draws a name)
Some blond beta kid nobody cares about.
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Awwww man, this is the worst birthday ever!
WILLOW and LIAM say goodbye to JENNIFER.
WILLOW SHIELDS
Sis, I want you to have the mockingjay pin I wear, it'll bring you good luck.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
This would be the same lucky pin you were wearing when you were selected against thousand-to-one odds to be sent to your death, right? Thanks.
WILLOW SHIELDS
Don't worry. I'll see you when the movie's over, since at no point will anyone make an attempt to make it seem like you're not going to obviously win the games.
They HUG, and it's TOTALLY EMOTIONAL.
LIAM HEMSWORTH
Good luck, Jennifer. Whatever you do, don't overemphasize the book's Twilight-esque love triangle just because our target demographic eats that shit up like rocky road ice cream after a breakup. Remember, I'll be here, smoldering at the TV for you.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Thanks, Liam, tell Captain America and Iron Man I said hello.
LIAM HEMSWORTH
INT. PANEM
JENNIFER and JOSH are taken to the CAPITAL CITY OF PANEM where they train with WOODY HARRELSON, previous winner of THE MOST HUNGRIEST GAME.
WOODY HARRELSON
Hi, tributes, ask me anything. I will get to as many of your questions as I can, so start asking now!
JOSH HUTCHERSON
I'm a baker by trade, should I go for it if one of the weapons on the battlefield is a comically oversized dough roller?
WOODY HARRELSON
You know, I really don't think about those things, once the opportunity passes, I really let go of it.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
In the book you're an alcoholic largely due to the emotional burden that comes with training children who go on to be slaughtered, but just now you seemed to grab every drink you could because it's a cheap characterization, is that accurate?
WOODY HARRELSON
I did it for energy. And I have to say, it works.
Suddenly, LENNY KRAVITZ approaches.
LENNY KRAVITZ
Hey guys, I really hate having my picture taken without sunglasses on, so let's make this fast. We have to introduce all 24 tributes to the audience, so I'm going to make you stand out with this costume, which looks like it's on fire.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
That's it? This costume got two full, tedious chapters in the book! And yet dumbass fangirls are still going to complain that the book is better, aren't they, Woody?
WOODY HARRELSON
I don't want to answer questions about that. Let's focus on the film, people.
JENNIFER shoots an APPLE, which causes the movie to admit up front that she's going to win so everyone can RELAX.
JENNIFER sits down for an interview with STANLEY TUCCI.
STANLEY TUCCI
Hi, Jennifer, try your best not to be distracted by my ridiculous costume. So, first question: The premise of The Hunger Games is that food is scarce and people compete in this competition to win food for their families, right?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
That's correct, Stanley.
STANLEY TUCCI
So you're supposedly ... you know, starving to death, right?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Yep. What are you asking, exactly?
STANLEY TUCCI
Well, you look ... I mean, what I'm asking is, why are you ... er, of all the young actresses up for the part ... uh, how do I ask this without sounding like a superficial male pig?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
You're wondering why they didn't cast an Olsen twin?
STANLEY TUCCI
Yes, exactly! Thank you!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Superficial male pig.
JENNIFER is ushered off the stage to make way for JOSH HUTCHERSON.
STANLEY TUCCI
So, Josh, what do you suppose your chances are, considering that it looks like your head has been stuck in a small box since puberty?
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Well, before I left, my mother told me she's pretty sure Jennifer's going to win. Then my sister called me a pussy and my dad said not to be sad because I was supposed to be an abortion anyway. I can lift a bag of flour though, so pretty OK, I guess.
STANLEY TUCCI
I see. And do you have a girlfriend back home, which is a question I didn't ask anyone else and have no reason to ask you?
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Well, there's this girl I stare at all the time like that vampire guy from that popular franchise, but SHE CAME HERE WITH ME, WHAAAAAAT!
STANLEY TUCCI
Wow, ladies and gentlemen, what a twist! Our female protagonist is certainly facing a difficult moral quandary, trying to remain a sympathetic character while murdering innocent children, including a boy with a crush on her, in order to ensure her own survival! What do you think of that, distractingly weird-looking co-host Toby Jones?
TOBY JONES
Well, Stanley, I think it would be a crushing disappointment if this complex, interesting ethical dilemma were gutlessly resolved by having Jennifer pretty much avoid killing anyone due to increasingly preposterous contrivances, including sudden, nonsensical rule changes outside of her influence!
LENNY KRAVITZ
OH MY GOD I AM SO GODDAMN BORED WHEN ARE THE KIDS GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER?!
ALL 24 OR 25 TRIBUTES are sent to fight to the death in THE DINING MAN.
EXT. NORTH CAROLINA FUTURISTIC WOODS OF DOOM
JENNIFER and JOSH wait in TUBES to be brought into the BATTLEFIELD. As they stand, completely still and tense with trepidation, the CAMERAMAN starts practicing his DANCE MOVES.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Um, nothing's even happening right now, why is the camera going apeshit? If we start out like this, we won't have anywhere to go when it's time for the actual hyperkinetic action ...
THE FAMINE SHOW starts and KIDS begin KILLING THE FUCKING SHIT out of each other as the CAMERAMAN tries to set a world record for CONSECUTIVE SOMERSAULTS.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Oh.
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Just make sure we don't show any of the deaths. The exact same teenage girls who apparently love to read about horrific violence couldn't possibly stand to actually watch it!
JENNIFER goes off and hides in the TREES while JOSH forms an alliance with A BUNCH OF ROTTEN PRICKS.
Meanwhile, back on A SET RENTED FROM THE SYFY CHANNEL ...
INT. GAME PLANNING ROOM
GAMEMAKER WES BENTLY briefly stops pondering his path from CFCA'S MOST PROMISING ACTOR IN 1999 to GUY WITH PUBES GLUED TO FACE and turns his attention to MOLARBALL.
WES BENTLEY
Whoa whoa whoa, is she going off by herself to reflect on the meaning of this monstrous injustice in her society? Make her stop, throw fire at her!
UNPAID EXTRA
Instantly materializing huge amounts of fire, sir.
DONALD SUTHERLAND enters.
DONALD SUTHERLAND
Good work, Wes. It's not much of a commentary on whatever the hell this movie is supposed to be a commentary on unless the kids all murder each other. You know the one thing more powerful than fear?
WES BENTLEY
Love? Anger? A bulldozer?
DONALD SUTHERLAND
No, hope. And that's what we provide: hope that someday your kid will murder your neighbor's kid on television. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shoot all my scenes for the sequels so I don't die before they can be made.
EXT. WOODS OF DESPAIR
JENNIFER escapes a FOREST FIRE and runs into EVIL DICKFACE ALEXANDER LUDWIG, ISABELLE FUHRMAN and JOSH HUTCHERSON. She climbs a tree to escape.
ALEXANDER LUDWIG
Grrr, can't tree climb! Need kill Jennifer!
ISABELLE FUHRMAN
Damn, I shot a single arrow at her and missed, we're clearly bested!
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Why don't we just all sit out here and go to sleep for a while? No kidding, this appears to be my actual suggestion.
ALEXANDER LUDWIG
Good is sleep, Jennifer killed tomorrow at!
While they are SLEEPING, JENNIFER drops a nest of LSD BEES on them and ESCAPES. Unfortunately, she's allergic to BULLSHIT and hallucinates, then passes out.
Days later ...
AMANDLA STENBERG
Hello, you've been asleep for two days in the middle of an arena filled with people who want to kill you, the most violent of which are within walking distance. Luckily, you were found by the one nice person in here, so I put some leaves on you. Want to team up?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Surely forming an alliance with the youngest and weakest participant will give me the edge I need, I'll do it. So where do the career tributes store their supplies? Probably up their stupid butts, right? Those guys are such dumb meanies.
AMANDLA STENBERG
They literally have a pyramid of supplies just down the river. Go check it out and I'll wait here so nothing terribly tragic happens to me.
JENNIFER hides in the BUSHES and scopes out the SUPPLIES. She notices they're surrounded by another classic weapon of medieval times, LANDMINES.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Shit, what to do ... oh hey, are those apples?! Every time I shoot an arrow at an apple, something good happens to me!
She shoots an APPLE, which causes all of the surrounding LANDMINES to simultaneously DETONATE, including the ones inexplicably buried directly underneath the CRUCIAL SUPPLIES!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Hey Amandla, great news! There were apples to shoot!
Suddenly, JACK QUAID shows up and chucks a spear at AMANDLA just as JENNIFER shoots him!
JACK QUAID
WHAT?! She's black!? This whole time, I was caring about a little BLACK girl!? With my last ounce of strength, I will register my racist fury on Twitter!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Amandla, no! This is totally super sad, I'm so gonna cry!
AMANDLA STENBERG
Jennifer, I know we've only had one scene together, but will you sing me a lullaby even though it makes you extremely vulnerable to attack by the group of scumbags whose supplies you just destroyed?
(dies)
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Of course. Rock-a-bye tribute, dead on the floor, once this film's out, my stardom will soar ...
JACK QUAID
Hey, I'm just another innocent victim of circumstance, too. Having my own super sad death scene over here, thanks to your arrow. Wanna come sing me a lullaby, too? No? I get to die an asshole? Cool.
(dies)
AMANDLA'S DEATH causes a REVOLT back in DISTRICT 11.
DISTRICT 11
Boo, you killed Amandla! We care exactly enough to riot when she dies, but not enough for anyone to volunteer to take her place when she's sent to die!
Suddenly, STANLEY TUCCI speaks to the remaining tributes over a TREESPEAKER.
STANLEY TUCCI (O.S.)
Sudden rule change! If there's one thing that reality game show audiences love, it's for the rules to shift during the game in order to favor particular contestants! As a result, it's now possible for two tributes to win, as long as they are from the same district and their names are Jennifer and Josh!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
I have to find Josh! But if he's successfully hiding from all of these professional Hunger Games players, surely it will take me days to track him down.
(accidentally steps on him)
Oh, hey. Holy shit, where did you learn to paint your entire body to look like rocks?
JOSH HUTCHERSON
I decorate the cakes at the bakery, so ...
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
You do a lot of special-ops birthday parties? Whatever, we need to get you somewhere safer, away from the extremely obvious trail of blood you've left behind.
They hide in a CAVE where the FILM EDITOR cannot seem to find them.
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Truly the war machine is a demented perversion, for what fair and just society would send their youngest to kill each other for the benefit of the rich and privileged?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
You know, it's kind of hard to represent the horrors of war in a PG-13 movie that can't actually show any horrors.
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Not to mention that most of the kids who are in more than 15 frames of the movie are pure evil incarnate.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Speaking of which, now that all of the other kids have been conveniently murdered or accidentally poisoned, it's about time to go confront Alexander Ludwig.
JOSH HUTCHERSON
What's the rush? I'm sure when it's time for that something absurd will happen that forces OH MY GOD CGI DOGS ARE CHASING US!
JENNIFER and JOSH run away from DOGS-ON-DEMAND and climb on top of a METAL ... THING.
ALEXANDER LUDWIG
Fight are dogs! Win of kill now! You not more alive!
JENNIFER shoots him with an arrow and he FALLS INTO A DELETED SCENE.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Was that it? Did we just win? He wasn't even an apple.
STANLEY TUCCI (O.S.)
Sudden rule change! Just kidding about before. Kill each other.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Don't let them change who we are, Josh! Let's threaten to kill ourselves! They won't allow that, they have to have a winner!
JOSH HUTCHERSON
You realize they just unleashed five rabid CGI monster dogs on us that could have torn us all to shreds simultaneously and resulted in exactly that outcome, right?
STANLEY TUCCI (O.S.)
Sudden rule change! Just kidding about kidding, you both win!
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Great, because I'm completely in love with you, Jennifer!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
And I am mrrfgle with you as well!
DONALD SUTHERLAND
Congratulations on your victory. Just be warned, I'll be keeping my beard on you. Shit, suddenly I've realized it wasn't exactly a great master plan to force the people we're subjugating to train their youngest and healthiest in deadly fighting techniques. Think that's going to come back and bite me in the ass?
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
I'm sure it will, assuming this movie makes enough money to justify the sequel.
JOSH HUTCHERSON
Are you kidding? Before settling on "May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor," this movie's tagline was "Your Friend Won't Shut Up About This Book So You Pretty Much Have to See It, Fuck You."
The CAMERAMAN films this scene while riding a WATER SLIDE BACKWARD.
END
For more scripts worth checking out, settle down with If 'Twilight' Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest and If Juno Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest.
