If Twilight 4 Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

FADE IN:

EXT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S HOUSE

KRISTEN STEWART looks around apathetically while everyone plans her wedding around her.

ASHLEY GREENE

Ohmigod you have to wear these diamond-encrusted shoes! I know they're uncomfortable, but just do what I tell you anyway!

KRISTEN STEWART

That's totally fine, pretty much every one of my decisions in this series so far has been made by a man on my behalf, so the only difference now is that you have a vagina.

ASHLEY GREENE

Vagina dentata, actually, but you'll find out alllll about that when you become a vampire, whoo boy!

ROBERT PATTINSON goes to speak with KRISTEN.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey, isn't it like totally bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?

ROBERT PATTINSON

That's just silly superstitious nonsense. Now, how many werewolves did we invite to our vampire wedding again?

KRISTEN STEWART

Speaking of which, I'm suddenly totally nervous about becoming a vampire.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Let me alleviate your concerns by telling you about how, when I first became a vampire, I was driven to murder people every night.

KRISTEN STEWART

Amazingly, that will be effective!

ROBERT PATTINSON flashes back to the 1920s, watching FRANKENSTEIN MOVIES just so those can be ruined, too.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Back when my hair was more reasonably sized, I killed a lot of people.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh my God!

ROBERT PATTINSON

But they were all mean.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh, OK then.

ROBERT PATTINSON

But I'm still tortured by it. It was exactly evil enough that it could make me feel guilty, but not evil enough to make you feel repulsed.

KRISTEN STEWART

I like totally love you.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I have to go to my bachelor party. But don't worry, my character has to remain appealing to even the most prudish girls, so there won't be any strippers. Just some good old-fashioned ritualistic animal killing.

EXT. RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE MOVIE WEDDING

KRISTEN marries ROBERT as slowly as humanly possible, with a couple dream sequence versions of the wedding thrown in for extra running time. KRISTEN'S father, BILLY BURKE, walks her down the AISLE while thanklessly delivering the film's only entertaining lines.

BILLY BURKE

Honey, I noticed that so far your entire performance has consisted of you looking like you're trying to silently fart. Maybe you want to throw in a couple facial expressions that make it look like you're actually, you know, happy about this?

KRISTEN STEWART

Alright, how's this?

(bites lip)

This is smiling, right?

BILLY BURKE

Ugh. It's a good thing this movie was split in two parts or this scene would take the five minutes it deserves instead of the 25 minutes that are currently making every hapless boyfriend in the audience contemplate fashioning concession stand Twizzlers into a noose.

KRISTEN marries ROBERT. They KISS, but it is so passionless that DIRECTOR BILL CONDON spins the camera around them 15 times as a distraction.

DIRECTOR BILL CONDON

Good lord, I'm an Oscar-winning writer and I just realized when this is all over I'll have directed more Twilight movies than anyone alive.

KRISTEN STEWART

Don't feel bad, Twilight is like the greasy brown stain on the white briefs of many otherwise-respectable directors.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hey Kristen, even though it's nearly impossible for most people to even eat dinner at their own wedding, it will be easy for us to vanish into the woods for half an hour. I've got a surprise for you: I got Taylor Lautner to show up! Even though he was invited to the wedding and could have just attended like a normal person, this is a big deal!

KRISTEN STEWART

Yay, nothing makes a wedding more magical for a girl than embracing a guy she still has the hots for immediately after marrying a different guy!

TAYLOR LAUTNER, wearing an actual SHIRT, approaches KRISTEN.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hey Kristen. I'm pretty bummed about you marrying Robert, but I'm pretty jazzed that I got to tear my shirt off in literally the first eight seconds of the movie.

KRISTEN STEWART

Sorry, Taylor. Let this be a lesson to all of the downtrodden, human doormat beta males in the audience: the bossy asshole guy always gets the girl.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

So I guess the audience of clamoring fangirls is really looking forward to the honeymoon so they can see you romantically ride Robert's razor-sharp, barbed vampire cock.

KRISTEN STEWART

Actually the whole "Twilight frenzy" thing seems to have like totally died down. All of the middle school girls who discovered masturbation while reading these books are in college now and don't seem to give a shit. It's pretty much just the creepy middle-aged ladies left.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Man, fuck all of them for not coming to see Abduction.

EXT. BRAZIL

ROBERT takes KRISTEN to BRAZIL.

KRISTEN STEWART

Not romantic enough.

ROBERT takes KRISTEN to a secluded island near BRAZIL.

KRISTEN STEWART

Still not romantic enough.

ROBERT takes KRISTEN to a personal vacation beach house on a secluded island near BRAZIL.

KRISTEN STEWART

Little more?

With SERVANTS.

KRISTEN STEWART

That'll do. Since we're on a beach, we're just going to abandon the whole "sparkling in sunlight" thing, right?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Yep. So, now that we're married I guess I can put my boy stuff in your girl stuff.

They have SEX that neither of them seem to enjoy at all, which is apparently about as good as sex gets from STEPHENIE MEYER'S PERSPECTIVE.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hang on, if we can have sex now, these movies can no longer be misguided abstinence allegories. What kind of conservative morality can they transparently promote now?

(pause)

I'm pregnant. BUT I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAVE AN ABORTION!

ROBERT PATTINSON

OK, I get it. Abortion is super terrible awful because Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon. But surely she'd concede that it's morally permissible to save the life of the mother, right? Even the most hardline pro-lifers accept that, so there's no way Meyer would take an even more extreme fringe position by ...

KRISTEN STEWART

My baby is a telepath and it's killing me! No matter, even though I'll die carrying it to term, it's my duty as a woman and as a wife to bring this mutant vampire baby into this world.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Wow. Just ... wow.

INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S HOUSE

ROBERT and KRISTEN go back to WASHINGTON to figure out what to do. TAYLOR LAUTNER is also there, because the studio paid for his personal trainer, goddammit.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

I can't believe you have a vampire fetus --

KRISTEN STEWART

BABY! Not "fetus," you abortion-loving lefty socialist.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Sorry, BABY. So what are we going to do about this unholy deadly mutant human vampire monster BABY?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Well, Kristen's going to look increasingly like an anorexia awareness advertisement unless we get the baby some human blood to drink.

KRISTEN STEWART

Let's ignore the fact that I'm literally full of human blood and force me to drink some.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

OK, but only if we put it in a Styrofoam cup with a cute little straw just to make it impossible for anyone to take this seriously.

KRISTEN guzzles down her BLOOD FROSTEE.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Kristen, I have bad news. My pack leader has decided allowing a vampire baby monster to live is against his moral code.

KRISTEN STEWART

That's the guy who beat the shit out of his girlfriend and clawed her face up when he was a werewolf, right?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

That's the one. I'm going to protect you by circling the house over and over, then occasionally coming back in to reiterate my disgust at your pregnancy.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh shit, we're almost out of blood. You'd think we'd have kept better track of how much was left, but I guess not. Whatever you do, don't go into lab --

KRISTEN STEWART

TOO LATE THE BABY IS COMING OW MY SPINE IS LIKE TOTALLY BROKEN!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Robert, you're going to have to give her a C-section with your teeth! Look on the bright side, there's no way this can look stupider than vampire baseball!

ROBERT PATTINSON puts his mouth as close to a vagina as it will ever get and cuts open KRISTEN'S UTERUS. He extracts the baby and an opportunity to show a baby with tiny vampire teeth is missed.

KRISTEN STEWART

Now that I have fulfilled my sole purpose as a female in Stephenie Meyer's world, I can die happily.

(dies)

ROBERT bites KRISTEN over and over with hilarious squishy sound effects, hoping to save her via vampirification, but it FAILS.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

That stupid baby killed Kristen! I must avenge her by destroying it while shirtless!

ROBERT PATTINSON

So right now there's going to be a scene where one of this franchise's sex symbols murders a newborn? That will never fly with audiences.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

I just looked at the baby in the eyes and decided instead that I am in love with her. Sexually.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Wait, how the fuck is this any better?

TAYLOR'S attraction to an infant prevents his family from murdering it, giving them no reason to be in the movie, so they all leave.

KRISTEN STEWART

(wakes up)

I'm like totally a vampire now.

Just when things stand the merest possibility of getting interesting, the movie concludes.

END

MICHAEL SHEEN

Holy fuck are we still in these things?