16 Great Halloween Costumes for Telling Everyone You Suck
A few years ago, we showed you 20 Costumes That Will Earn You a Halloween Beating. Looking around these last few years, it's obvious that we need to be clear about something: Just because your costume wasn't on that first list doesn't mean you can still dress like a total douchebag and expect to get away with it. In the interest of thoroughness, we have a few additions.
Ball Pit
Yeah, this guy's totally getting laid tonight, because as everyone knows, chicks love ball pits.
Oh, wait, no, hang on, that's children. Children are attracted to ball pits. You're encouraging fucking children to crawl into your fucking testicle box you fucking lunatic.
Fee Ling Yu
"Look, I'm not gonna tell you again: Just because I've recently been thawed after being frozen in ice since 1906 doesn't mean I can't resume my old job as a costume designer. Now, we still hate Asians, right?"
Oh, wait, is the horror of this costume in the grotesque "mouth within a mouth" effect? Because that fucking mustache behind the teeth makes us never want to sleep again.
Snake Charmer
"You might say there's a snake in my pants! And when I play music, it's ... like, calm, it finds it very soothing. Without the music it gets ... really violent, I guess? This metaphor doesn't really hold up, it turns out. I'd like you to pay attention to my dick, is what I'm getting at."
Wait, is the "Dick in a _______" a whole genre of costume now? Are there seriously enough frat boys in the world to support such an industry?
Petting Zoo
Yes, yes there are.
We're not sure if we need to say this or not, but, ladies, the guy who spends money on this particular costume is actually less interesting and intelligent than the guy who shoves his junk in a free shoebox and writes "Touch my dick, please" on the outside of it.
Missing Milk Carton Hat
Hey, Model-Who-Was-in-Mid-Sneeze-When-This-Photo-Was-Taken: They don't put pictures of children on milk cartons because it's cute; they put them there because they've been kidnapped.
Horny the Clown
"Finally, a clown that will fuck me!" -- No Woman Who Has Ever Existed
If you're wondering why it's called "Horny the Clown" and not "Literally Anything Else the Clown," you should know that it has an air pump that activates the pop-out clown dick with a "boing" sound effect. You should know that, because your nightmares have gotten kind of stale lately, and this is exactly the kind of spark they need.
Wait, this thing is $50.99? There are starving people in the world.
Bar Boobs
It's not right to call this costume sexist because, seriously, guys who fantasize about boobs are not imagining drinking things from them. If you are turned on by the idea of some kind of ideal woman who can ooze beer from her mammary glands, you are an alcoholic. Seriously, that's the first on the list of 10 warning signs of alcoholism and if you answer it yes, you're done reading that list.
Also, did you notice how the valves are colored nipple-pink? Yeah, nobody is drinking anything that came out of that.
Poopie Shorts
Hey, it's another mechanized costume. This one has a little button so you can squirt poop-like liquid all over your host's carpet and furniture. Or, we're sorry, we read the description wrong, it's actually your carpet and furniture. Huh. Reading a little further ... yep! This costume automatically presupposes that you'll never get invited to a party. Loneliness is one of the parts of this costume, it's actually included.
Undie Taker
"No, I'm not Neo. Yes, I realize he also wore sunglasses and a black trench coat, of course I realize that now. What's that? No, I uh ... I don't have a bunch of guns in my coat, you're thinking of Neo again. I have ... I have other ... things."
By the way, this one is also $50.99, but it comes with the stained panties and a free membership on a whole bunch of government watch lists.
Plain Brown Wrapper
Yup, you can by an outright "stereotypical black guy" costume right off the shelf, in 2011. Jesus, look at the model's eyes, he's clearly crying. He didn't spend $500 at the San Dimas Modeling Academy just to dress up like Blackface Gallagher, dammit!
Wait a second, as of the writing of this article, this is showing it's out of stock. How is that possible?
Doginatrix
"I want a costume for my dog, but I also want to leave no mystery as to why he ends up murdering me."
"Oh, yeah, we have something for that, totally."
Gropin' Granny
"Hah! You see? You thought I was boring for wearing a lame, stale 'Grandma' costume. Well, the joke's on you: I'm actually retarded!"
Droopers
"Get it? Because some restaurants force women to dress this way as a way of making sexism socially acceptable! And now I, a man, who would NEVER be forced to wear something so demeaning, am wearing it as a joke! As a way of making fun of you! Ah hah, are we gonna rub our parts together later, or what?"
Race Horse
We looked closely, and they're not posing: This costume is full on attached at the groin. That's so inconvenient, how are they supposed to dance? Or go to the bathroom? Or have any friends, or get invited to parties, or live with themselves?
Yuk
"Ha ha, it'll make everyone wanna puke at this party!" -- Guy Who Doesn't Understand Adult Costume Parties
Lost Dog
It's good that you have the sign, because otherwise your costume would just be "Old Woman Pooping a Dog" which is holy shit 10 times funnier somehow!
This is the most expensive costume on the list, we think -- $59.99. Although no amount of money will let you recreate that model's tortured face. That's pure stroke, baby.
Eric Axt and his brother Kevin run the webcomic Donuts for Sharks.
For more terrible costumes, check out 17 Insane Japanese Costumes and The 35 Most Insane Halloween Costumes from Around the World.
And stop by LinkSTORM to for good black eye remedies (some of you will probably need them).
And be sure to check out Cracked's Page of Horror for hilariously horrifying content like 8 Psychologically Traumatizing Kids Halloween Costumes and Slutty Girls in Slutty Halloween Costumes: A Tribute.
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