6 New Anti-Pervert Technologies (We Really Shouldn't Need)

6 The Anti-Groping App

The Perversion:

The groping of asses in crowded spaces like trains and subways. Now, this isn't a phenomenon particular to Japan -- it's just a bigger problem there because of the nonconfrontational culture. A quick "Fuck off, pervert" might get the job done on an American subway, but the Japanese often find it difficult to draw any kind of public attention to themselves through conflict, no matter how justified. Unfortunately, this makes the groper's trade pretty easy to ply.

The Counter:

A cell phone application designed to confront gropers directly when the actual person is unable or unwilling. The anti-groping app starts out slow, giving perverts a chance to back off. "Excuse me, did you just grope me?" it asks, via bolded words on a cell phone screen accompanied by an "angry" buzzing sound to get the groper's attention. If this doesn't throw off a pervert, the app ratchets up the pressure: "Groping is a crime." Just in case the guy doing the unsolicited touching didn't know ...

Finally, if the groper just isn't getting the message, perhaps wondering why this uppity phone keeps telling him to back off when he hasn't even touched the damn thing, on account of he's got his hands full of its owner's ass -- the app goes for the throat: "Shall we head to the police?"

Now, you might think that's not a great tactic -- attempting to dissuade a sex offender with the power of passive aggressiveness -- but that's not what the sales suggest: In 2007, it became one of the most downloaded cell phone applications ever. It reached seventh place on a Top 10 of All Time list, presumably trailing only slightly behind the pro-groping app, which answered all of the anti-groping app's questions with "Yes," "Yes it is" and "I'd rather keep groping you instead."

5 Anti-Pervert Panties

The Perversion:

Upskirt shots. It's gotten so bad that, in Japan, they openly sell instructions for modifying your camera so you can take see-through upskirt shots.

The Counter:

But not all the tech is pro-perv: Remember, it's a sex offender Cold War out there. When one side makes a move, the other always checks it. So on the one hand, we've got all these randy men armed with their silent IR cameras and their camcorders built into shoes, and now, on the other, we've got a special panty fabric engineered to repel infrared rays. It doesn't prevent all upskirt shots, of course; we haven't invented clothing that's impossible to photograph. It just leaves the tech-savvy upskirter with a boringly normal snap of a schoolgirl's panties, instead of the graphic, medical-quality image he was hoping for.

4 Anti-Groping Gloves

The Perversion:

Groping again. We told you, it's a problem.

The Counter:

Chastity gloves.

These gloves use plastic plates to essentially hobble the hands of the guy wearing them, thus preserving the virtue of potentially wandering fingers while still leaving the thumbs free for other activities, like opening doors and mocking lesser species with your opposable digits. They're actually meant mostly for the benefit of the accused groper, to ensure that he's never wrongly accused of groping. They sell separately for $18 per glove. You know, in case you want only half an alibi.

3 Shutter Sound

The Perversion:

Using cell phone cameras to take upskirt and downblouse photos of women without them being aware. Along with being small and inconspicuous, cell phones further aid perverts by the lacking a shutter sound to indicate that a picture has been taken.

The Counter:

Force cell phone makers to include a sound, light or other cue that indicates when a photo is snapped. Many countries consider the upskirt problem to be so severe that they've already put laws into effect, ensuring that your camera can never be muted. Sure, there are plenty of older cameras and cell phones that can be muted, and sure, they could always just use the video recording option, which isn't legally required to make sound, or sure, they could just go do a quick Google search to find one of the many, many threads dedicated to getting around the anti-muting option, but combating perversion isn't like building a great wall that dongs cannot scale. It's more like building a thousand little hurdles so that the dongs will be too tired to do anything too pervy when they finally reach the finish line.

2 Anti-Sexting Technology

The Perversion:

Sexting is the process of sending sexually explicit content from phone to phone. If you haven't heard of it before, just turn on the news: Roughly 45 percent of the modern-day newscast consists of plastic anchor-people crying and wringing their hands while the word "sexting" repeatedly flashes on the screen in giant, bloody letters.

The Counter:

Apple is introducing text-recognition software to prevent (at least the boring, text-based kind of) sexting. The phone's administrator can set the software up to block certain words and phrases. Though honestly, slang changes so fast that there's no way mere software can keep up where hip, 40-something guys going through mid-life crises have failed for generations. But wait -- why even resort to new words when you could just start substituting letters with numbers, misspellings and abbreviations -- you know, like 99 percent of texts already do? No, sexting will probably continue as long as there are boners and daddy issues; we've just ensured that it will be more annoyingly spelled.

1 Video Dick Detection

The Perversion:

Remember last year, when the "video chat with a random stranger" program Chatroulette was a thing people did? Remember how 70% of the video was dicks? No? Shit, sounds like you've got a good hypnotherapist. What's his number?

The Counter(s):

Dick-recognition software. Yes, somebody out there had to design an algorithm that recognized dongs. He had to look at thousands upon thousands of dicks, day in and day out, examining every little fold and vein, trying to determine what truly makes a dick a dick. Then he had to convert the very concept of dicks into math, and program it in a computer, which presumably learned to hate right after that.

But hey, even when there aren't more wangs onscreen than in a Dynasty Warriors game, online chatting still may not be safe. Perversion comes in many flavors, after all (and they're probably all really gross, like black licorice jelly beans). That's where pedophile-recognition software comes in: Linkable to Facebook, Twitter and most other chat sites, it analyzes language to look for inappropriate levels of literacy and coherence for a pre-set age group, then lets your kid know if there is something off about user NoI'mTotally13. Weighing in at an astonishing 90 percent reliability on tests, it's very effective at protecting your children from sick predators way outside their own age bracket, as well as any lame grammar nerds within it. Once again punishing the literate while letting the most idiotic of perverts prevail.

When not writing comedy, Mark M. freelances and dispenses bad philosophy and relationship advice. Paul K Pickett is a Canadian writer. He can be contacted at paulkpickett@hotmail.com.

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