The 20 Worst NES Games of All-Time
Seanbaby writes a weekly column here every Thursday. But many of you may not be aware that he also invented being funny on the Internet. He was one of the first people who ever made Cracked's editors laugh while looking at a computer screen. Below, we take a look back at his comprehensive guide to the 20 worst NES games of all-time.
Of all the games that inexplicably received the Nintendo Seal of Approval, these 20 stood out as the biggest mistakes. I don't know if the game making people were the nephews of the eccentric billionaire in charge of handing out the gold approval seals, or if Nintendo just didn't bother to check if the games sucked. All I know is that these 20 games are about as fun as swallowing bug-flavored glass. For each one, I'll give a brief description of exactly why it's bad then rate the Graphics and Fun on their own personal scale of one to 10. But you'll notice really fast that they all score horribly low, and these ratings are just excuses for me to make fun of more specific areas of the game.
This game was based on the adventures of Athena as she went on a quest to cure her boredom. She attempts this by walking sideways for a few hundred screens fighting potato bugs and guys that look like giraffes and pigs. You travel from "World of X" to "World of something else" until you can finally get it into Athena's head that she's never going to cure her boredom as long as she's stuck in this damn game.
If you take the time to look for the non-helpful secret items, you can unlock Athena's secret subgame I call "Dress up!" where you make Athena's clothes clash by putting a fluorescent green helmet on with her pink go-go dress. After this, I usually point at the screen and laugh at her lack of fashion sense until I am killed by a giraffe-headed man with a club. Then I curse myself for dirtying my Nintendo with the Athena cartridge.
Graphics: 2
The graphics add some challenge to the game as you spend most of your time trying to figure out what you're fighting. The masterfully designed visuals may lead to heated arguments with your friends as to whether or not a creature is a potato or a turd.
Athena struggles to hold her grotesquely large head up
as she prepares to bonk her menacing enemies with her
blue-ladle-wooden-driver thing.
Fun: 1
Athena is bored for a reason. I think it's because her game sucks.
Historical Accuracy: 10
This story of the ancient adventures of Athena, goddess of war and wisdom, is painstakingly accurate. The programmers did their research well, and were able to recreate the ancient Greek world of pig men down to the tiniest of details like the pink clubs and mini skirts. Hephaestus himself would think it was real.
Bible Adventures
Bible Adventures. A game mixing all the fun of learning about God with all the excitement of wandering around aimlessly. I know this game didn't actually get the coveted Nintendo Seal of Approval, but it's too bad to not mention here. This was an atrocity released by Wisdom Tree, a company who learned that making Christian-based games was the best way to hide their lack of programming skills. Christian children everywhere were disappointed when they received this game as a gift from parents who thought (like Wisdom Tree hoped they would) that mixing video games and Christ would help them learn the magic of Western mythology and grow up to be splendid citizens. The plan was flawless, and the Pope himself made a huge blue hat out of the strangely colored Bible Adventures cartridges. He was happy his sheep were finally able to praise Jesus through three gloriously unplayable games on a single baby blue colored NES cartridge!
There was Noah's Ark, Baby Moses and David and Goliath. They were all like Super Mario Brothers 2, except they had less action, more ridiculous goals and inspirational Bible quotes.
Noah's Ark was the highlight of the Bible Adventures experience, where you get to perform entertaining goals like dragging unwilling animals back to your boat for hours.
Very few historians knew about Noah's superhuman strength. Here he is holding three farm animals above his head to get in shape for the repopulation of Earth. Back then, fertility exercises involved lifting cows.
In Baby Moses, you get to carry Baby Moses above your head while spiders and guys with spears try to kill you. You can throw the baby at them, but no one gets hurt, and he just hits the ground smiling. The game usually degenerates into me throwing Baby Moses into a river to watch him slowly drown and pretending it was an accident. Yeah, the game knows I meant to, but it doesn't care. When you beat the level without him, it says, "Good Work! But you forgot Baby Moses!" So even if you kill Moses, you still feel good about yourself. And isn't that the way he would want it?
Graphics: 5
As far as the NES goes, the graphics aren't bad. But since almost all of your time will be spent throwing Moses into the water and laughing, it doesn't really matter what the rest of the game looks like.
Fun: 1
Aside from the baby's lack of buoyancy, there is nothing fun about this game. One might play it when they can't fit prayer time into their busy video gaming schedule, and I think you could use it to swear someone into the witness stand. "Please place your right hand in the air, and your left hand on Bible Adventures."
Jesus Power: 8
This cartridge is capable of performing small miracles like multiplying fish, resurrection and parting the sea. However, it is not to be subjected to extreme temperatures, and should be stored at room temperature in a clean, dry place.
Super Pitfall
This still stands as probably the grossest misuse of the word "Super" in the history of the English language. This version of Pitfall barely qualifies as a game. You play the part of a Pitfall Harry in a miner's hat the color of the Bible Adventures cartridge trying to save your lion and niece from deadly fruit bats and toads. But anyone related to Pitfall Harry isn't worth saving, and the only reason anyone would keep playing is to hope to find a more painful way to make the little guy die.
You'll find yourself saying that spikes and water are too good for him. He deserves some sort of acid bath/sandpaper combination. If you accidentally put the game into your NES, just turn off the power, remove the cartridge and smash Super Pitfall with a hammer.
Graphics: 0
If you don't get suicidally bored from the gameplay, you might from the graphics.
Evil fish and boring ladders.
Fun: 0
The game itself is a waste of time, but if you take the shattered remains of the Super Pitfall cartridge, you could combine them with some dried macaroni and have a fun arts and crafts party. "*Giggle!* I made a duck out of my Super Pitfall! Quackarific!"
Desecration of a Classic: 9
Pitfall isn't that clever a name to begin with, so I don't know why Super Pitfall decided to name itself after a game it has nothing in common with and can't possibly compare to.
Hudson Hawk
Most NES games based on movies were bad, but Hudson Hawk was notably shitty. You were about three pixels high, and spent most of your time dodging video cameras and angry guard dogs. These were no ordinary guard dogs, though. Many of them were wiener dogs who you could easily distract by throwing a ball. When they did catch you, they would grab onto your ass until you remembered to hit the "throw ball" button.
This big mean dog will pull you off the building by your ass. But you never stop smiling. That's the kind of guy you are. Hell, you'll probably start singing while you fall five stories.
Most of the game's challenge came from the jumps you had to do. They weren't very bad, but I discovered that Hudson Hawk has a fear of jumping and rarely does so when you tell him. He prefers to run into pits while you hammer your controller.
I found out it was a lot more fun to jam my copy of Hudson Hawk, the movie, into the Nintendo and perform Singin' on a Star with a sock puppet I labeled, "Danny Aiello." If you time it right, sparks and smoke will come out of your NES just as you begin the extravagansic final chorus.
Graphics: 3
The little Bruce Willis looked like a mixture of Joe Camel and a circus midget, and the programmers hired their neighbor's kids to make the backgrounds. But other than that, the graphics were all very terrible.
Fun: 1
It seemed like it might have been a playable game if Hudson did what you told him and you could stand looking at the ugly screen. It's sometimes fun to throw your bouncy balls around the screen, but only if you are on heavy medication.
Bruce Willis Points: -48
This is by far the worst thing associated with Bruce, but it is luckily made up for by Die Hard, Last Man Standing and The Fifth Element. When asked about the Hudson Hawk NES game during an interview, he responded to the reporter with a left hook. Then he took out a harmonica and sang the old theme to Seagram's Golden Wine Cooler while they groaned.
Renegade
Renegade. A game that definitely needed to be made. There just weren't any other games involving guys walking around and fighting bad guys on the street. Someone took that brilliant idea, added bad graphics, terrible control, monotonous situations and called it Renegade. As an appropriate afterthought, they stuck a garbage can on the title screen.
In this mockery of a fighting game, you got to fight crowds of people who looked just like you. The game helped you tell everyone apart by giving you a pair of brown slacks and a matching leather vest. So when you're done beating up the armies of evil clones, you'll be dressed for any gay western club you might want to get a light beer at.
"Thank you for the hug. Is it OK that I just kicked your friend? Hey! You're still hugging me! What kind of a subway is this?"
The fights would continue for hours, until you make it to empty rooms where you're forced to decide on a door. It seemed cool at first that maybe you were in a game where you could go two different ways, but it was just one more way for Renegade to piss you off. In Renegade's town, most doors are magic teleporters back to the first subway. It will usually take a person of average patience about one of these to decide to never play Renegade again.
Graphics: 1
I would think that since there was only one guy you fight in the game, they could have made him look cooler.
Fun: 1
If you play this game for 30 seconds, you can just turn it off. You just got the full experience of the deep Renegade gameplay.
Thrown Controller Likelihood: 97 percent
There's nothing like forcing yourself to play this disgusting game for hours only to pick the wrong door and have to start over. The elderly, small children and people prone to violence or seizures are recommended not to play Renegade.
Chubby Cherub
These are the adventures of a hungry little cupid as he goes on a quest to stuff his face with cupcakes by avoiding angry beagles. The Official Nintendo Player's Guide of 1987 gave a moving speech about the game: "Help Chubby Cherub chomp and chase all day. He's depending on you!"
I'm not going to pretend to understand this game, all I know is that this cartridge is a waste of plastic. They could have used the plastic for bubble wrap or Jack in the Box Kid's Meal toys.
Chubby Cherub could fly through the air with his vacant grin, and you could kill puppies by throwing hearts at them.
Seriously.
I once flew him into a corner and left for the evening without turning off the Nintendo. When I came back, Chubby Cherub was sitting on a huge pile of animal remains picking his teeth with one of their ribs. It was pretty gross.
Graphics: 1
I'd rather not talk about them. Every time I think of Chubby Cherub's ugly graphics, I picture that hideous scene of him surrounded by half eaten dogs.
Fun: 1
I don't know how a flying fat baby isn't fun, but trust me, it isn't.
Cuteness: 9
The adventures of a grinning cupid killing puppies with hearts always kind of makes me want to snuggle.
Mighty Bomb Jack
In this game, you got to do your best to control this superhero spaz while he tried to stop BELZEBUT. Stopping the mad plans of this (ass punning and/or badly translated) villain was mostly hard because no matter how lightly you tapped jump, Mighty would take off flying to the top of the screen. This meant that you got to spend about 80 percent of your playing time waiting for him to land.
Along the way you ran into dangerous enemies described in the manual like this:
"Rube: It is very much revengeful towards Jack, and it pursues him endlessly."
Translation: "Ha ha, American. Tecmo no hire no one for speak English make manual of you."
You could open treasure chests in hopes of finding magical items that would either turn all the nondescript creatures into "Mighty Coins" or give you the miraculous ability to change Mighty Jack's color.
Wow. That turtle thing looks very much revengeful. And my hero looks like he made his outfit out of his underwear.
Graphics: 0
I didn't even know if my little guy was supposed to be human or not.
Fun: 1
The game is a boring combination of walking and jumping. And if you get lost, this is the kind of nonsensical hint the manual gives you:
"Playing Mighty Bomb Jack with a drawn-up map will increase your playing pleasure. Suppose you draw one scene on a piece of paper in the shape of a pyramid. The labyrinth to the pyramid will appear. This map will give you some hints on solving this mystery!"
Fun Rating for Instruction Manual: 10
I've read the manual 20 times more than I've played Mighty Bomb Jack. It's articulate, fun, friendly and inspirational:
"Naturally this booklet cannot give you all the secrets to Mighty Bomb Jack, it's up to you to figure out the missing secrets. We at Tecmo, Inc. are confident that your skills will allow you to succeed! Good luck!"
I was really hoping for a terrible wrestling game starring stupid pink toys, and finally my dreams were answered. In this hybrid of electronics and shit, you got to choose between several mutated things, but it didn't matter who you picked since they all had the same moves and the graphics were so bad you couldn't tell what they were supposed to be anyway.
It looks like a knight and a ninja, but it could just be a retarded kid with a teapot on his head fighting a girl wearing pajamas and a paper plate on her face.
The little monster things had names like Geronimo, Robin Mask and Wars Man and could punch or attempt to fly through the air and hit their opponent with their little pink asses. If your opponent was stupid enough to let you get behind them, you could unleash a devastating suplex move that seemed to do about the same amount of damage as a punch, it was just harder to execute.
M.U.S.C.L.E. sort of pretended to be a video game, but I think it was released by sociologists studying the effects of shitty software on impressionable children. Their findings were insubstantial due to the fact that only three people bought a copy of M.U.S.C.L.E.
Graphics: 0
You can't seriously expect me to try to articulate how bad those graphics are.
Fun: 1
You can get all the excitement of this game without even inserting the cartridge. Listen: Every now and then, a magic ball will fly out of the crowd and into the ring. If you grab it, your little guy starts to flash different colors. Then the M.U.S.C.L.E. sound engineers show off what they learned in college by simulating a crowd noise with nasty static. However, sticking your face next to a strobe light and switching your TV to a channel you don't get can recreate this fabulous M.U.S.C.L.E. experience without having to play the game.
Embarrassment: 8
After the programmers of M.U.S.C.L.E. were kicked out of their parents' basement, they were ridiculed on the street by groups of disgruntled NES players. The programmers usually respond by crying, "Just cut it out, you guys!" Then they call their therapist who tells them that they really are special.
Where's Waldo
Where's Waldo? As if anyone cared, the geniuses behind the Waldo phenomenon took a stupid line of books and made a stupider game out of them. In this game, you look for Waldo. When he is found, fans of the game get a great feeling not only from the sense of accomplishment, but because they found someone who is a bigger dork than they are.
You spend most of the game waiting for Waldo to walk slowly from location to location where you're finally treated to an exciting Waldo finding experience. You move around a little box and push the button when you think the idiot is in it. But since the graphics are so bad and everyone looks the same, you might as well just spin the controller and randomly push buttons.
Every single one of those faceless things could be Waldo. It's a good thing I hate this game and don't play it.
There is a timer to try to prevent this sort of behavior, but it gives you about six hours to find him and no one could conceivably play the game that long. You would have to be blind and have an unplugged controller to lose. At least that's what I thought until I beat the game blindfolded from the kitchen by screaming at it.
Graphics: 0
Of all the games to have crappy little stick figures for graphics, this is the one where it should have been avoided.
Fun: 0
If one is at the intellectual level required to enjoy this game, they are probably not capable of turning on a Nintendo.
Flammability: 1
It took at least a whole bottle of lighter fluid before I could get this cartridge to ignite. The saddest thing is, someone still found Waldo in the ashes. Goddamn Waldo.
Total Recall
Total Recall. A masterfully ruined idea for a video game from the king of unplayable movie games, Acclaim. In this waste of electricity, you're supposed to follow the plot of the movie, but I don't really remember in the movie where Arnold is yanked into an alley to do battle with midgets in pink jumpsuits. But to be honest, all I ever remember is the alien chick with three boobs.
Your character has an incredible number of moves at his disposal: both a jump, and a little thing he does that resembles a punch. These will both come in handy when you're trying to stay away from the six-year olds that pop out of garbage cans to shoot at you. Also, look out for cars that drive by and throw baseballs at you. It's that kind of neighborhood.
If I was a little bearded midget in a pink jumpsuit, I would not go attack anyone who looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Graphics: 1
The graphics in this game were as ugly as those psychic mutants from the faulty Mars domes.
Fun: 1
When you get in a fight, most of your enemies' main attacks are hopping over your head over and over. I guess that's kind of fun. In a circus clown kind of way.
Versatility: 4
Besides containing one of the worst games ever, the cartridge can also be used to fix a wobbly table, to act as a coaster, or even to bonk a participant on the head during a puppet show.
Fist of the North Star
Fist of the North Star. If you were unfortunate enough to have ever played this game, I'm sorry. You controlled Ken, the master of Gento Karate, as he did complicated things like walk and fight. Sadly, this intricate plotline was actually pretty faithful to the Fist of the North Star story. You were constantly being attacked by the same two shirtless, mohawked guys, and unidentifiable objects would fall out of the sky at you. And while you were trying to get out of the way of those things, some of the bad guys would occasionally slide across the screen like Muppets trying to trip you. But don't worry, if you get killed, it's a welcome excuse to stop playing.
Ken has a punch and a kick, versatile attacks with the exact same range, and both of them kill any bad guy in one hit. The only difference is that the punch makes people explode. And not in a funny cartoon way. I mean, they grotesquely arch their backs as their internal organs start leaking out right before their entrails are splattered all over the street.
Hey. You're... you're exploding. What the fuck is going on here?
This graphic carnage is for mature gamers only. Or kids that like to eat snot, turn their eyelids inside out, make fart jokes or enjoy tearing the legs off of spiders.
Graphics: 0
The graphics, appropriately, are as disgusting as a human body exploding.
Fun: 0
The whole game is exactly the same crap. If you can talk someone into actually playing this game, hit reset periodically to send them back to the beginning. They probably won't notice.
Flying Human Chunk Rating: 8
"The chunks of exploding people had good velocity, and held their shape well on the descent. However, they did lose a couple tenths of a point on artistic interpretation. The judges didn't feel they were let in on what the flying organs were feeling. What do you think Matt?" "Well, Jimmy, I agree. I thought those entrails were having a lot of fun out there. I liked the curl of the large intestines, and that liver really hit the sidewalk with authority. Overall, an outstanding performance from all of the competitors. This has been one of the finest Beefy Splat Olympics in decades."
The Legend of Kage. A brilliant game about saving another princess. You get to play the daring young firm ninja warrior, Kage, the last hope of Princess Kiri. You are treated to a short movie at the beginning of the game that tells you this intriguing story. A woman in a dress is walking alone next to a tree when a ninja flies through the air and grabs her. This four second film was going to be released in theaters, but Taito ran into copyright trouble with the tree.
Getting Princess Kiri away from the evil warlord, Yoshi, won't be easy. Mostly because your sword only has a range of two pixels, and you'll find yourself running into fire breathing monks on purpose just to watch your guy flop on the ground and die.
Kage has a 30-foot vertical leap, and he's only wearing one of Princess Kiri's pink robes. This means that the enemy ninjas on the ground forget where they are and stop attacking you to look up your dress. Use this to your advantage to get their phone numbers and/or hit them with your "Special Star Knives!"
Graphics: 0
Since this game is a set in an ancient period, they decided to use the graphics from the 14th century Atari 35 system. I'm sure everyone agrees that it helps the historical feeling of the game.
Fun: 1
The only fun I had with this game was when I took it to this one sushi chef. He screamed, "Legend of Kage! Very bad! Show this cook job to you!" Then he chopped it up while he juggled butcher knives and served it over rice. Yeah, it tasted terrible and I could barely chew it, but I didn't tell him. Because he was holding big knives, and I was happy he helped me get rid of Legend of Kage. "Gootisusama desita!"
Ninja Rating: 7
While most ninjas are notorious for being silent assassins of the night, it's nice to see one who's not afraid to climb trees and wear neon dresses.
At first this seems like armless ninjas attacking a man with a ponytail who stole Athena's little dress, but it's actually a deadly battle of tree hopping fun.
The only thing that could make this ninja cooler is a big sombrero and a Tonka Truck T-shirt.
Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure
Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure. I think this game was written by the Swedish Chef and programmed by Beaker. It was sort of like the Muppet Show except there were no songs, and nothing fun ever happened. It revolved around a group of Muppets who were trying to rescue Miss Piggy. She was "pignapped." Oh... ha ha. That's a little joke from the game. Ohhh... "pignapped"... ha.
Luckily, Miss Piggy got captured at a carnival, so the Muppets get to go on super fun rides and things to save her. The first is one where Kermit floats slowly down a river in an inner tube. It's about as fun as it sounds.
After that, one of the monster Muppets (I can't remember its name. I was always too busy watching the A-Team, Misfits of Science and V: The Final Battle to watch the damn Muppet Show.) drives a bumper car through a bomb filled obstacle course. It sounds dangerous, but if you go slow enough, it's laughably easy to never get hit by anything bad. But since the game is already boring enough, you'll probably just drive as fast as you can and not care if you hit a bomb. And you can take five hits before you die and you have nine lives, so I don't think there are enough bombs on the course to kill you anyway. It's a boring game. I didn't say it was hard.
Then you can play two other games that Animal programmed in an afternoon of screaming and banging on a computer keyboard. One had Gonzo flying through monotonous outer space, and the other was an exciting game where you moved Fozzie across the screen to pick up presents. Not only would no one ever consider playing through these boring things, who the fuck cares if Miss Piggy is missing? Couldn't they just find some other fat puppet to annoy everyone?
Graphics: 4
Yeah, they were bad, but not enough for me to have something funny to say about them. So I'll just say, "pignapped" again. Hee hee.
Fun: 0
Here is a list of things one might say while playing the various Muppet games:
River Ride: "Golly. Kermit's coming up on a rock. Only have a fraction of a second. Better push left. Whew."
Car Course: "Goddamnit, when does this damn thing end?"
Space Ride: "Wow. I'm playing Muppet Adventure."
Amazing Maze: "Guess I'll move Fozzie over here. OK. Now I'll... eyes.... heavy... game... boring."
Fozzie grins and prepares to walk over to get the present. I don't know how in the hell you can mix two things as cool as puppets and Nintendo and come up with something so bad.
Medicinal Purposes: 8
This game is often prescribed by doctors and psychologists to cure insomnia. The CIA used to use Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure as a torture device until the court case of the People of Guatemala vs. CIA and Muppets found this to be cruel and unusual.
Bad Street Brawler
After reading the game manual, I discovered that this game is the story of "DUKE DAVIS, former punk rocker and the world's coolest martial arts vigilante!" He stalks the streets attacking little circus men and puppies, making the world a safer place for non-circus freaks.
Using a girly punch, a break dancing thing that almost seems like it's trying to be a kick and a move I call "cower in fear," Duke Davis's adventures are described excitedly as, "send the bad guys reeling with furious fist & foot bashing action. It's non-stop martial arts madness! Nail the no-gooders today-and watch the street savages scatter!" The manual was written by a group of 10-year olds after being injected with high amounts of Moutain Dew.
Maybe it is completely terrible, but the game helps us become better people by giving us cute quotes before each level like, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you." These are very deep and meaningful unless you speak English. I'm not sure if they were supposed to mean something after you deciphered them, or if the programmer was just making fun of people that stutter. Either way, this game is bad enough that it should be offensive to most people regardless of their speech impediments.
Graphics: 1
I did like Duke Davis's yellow diaper, but that was the limit of the game's sex appeal. Unless you're into naked gorillas and puppies.
Fun: 1
Sometimes the midget guys with the ball and chains would start flying around like helicopters. That's the only reason I didn't give this terrible game a zero.
Street Culture: 8
Bad Street Brawler really lets us see what life is like in the inner city. We experience all the pain, drama and danger of circus renegade infested areas.
Yeah, my guy was cowering in fear when I took that screen shot. But give me a break, that gorilla threw a really squishy banana at me.
MTV hailed this game as, "The most accurate portrayal of life on the streets since Dudes with Attitudes."
Mothers everywhere drove their pink Ferraris to the mall to get a copy of this game so their little girls would have something to play on the family Nintendo. Not only did it have all of the excitement the world of Barbie can offer, we got a chance to see inside her scary plastic head during the opening sequence:
"Wow, what a great book! I love reading about mermaids! But... yawn! I'm getting sleepy now. I need my rest-- tomorrow's a busy day! I'm having lunch at the soda shop... going swimming at the beach... meeting Ken at the party tomorrow... but... yawn! First I have to go to the mall and pick up that new outfit. So much to do..."
As you can tell, Barbie leads a full and rewarding life and hasn't had time to slip "Get a fucking education" in between "Go swimming," and "Eat at soda shop." I'm not sure which is more pathetic: a life that revolves around soda shops and malls, or playing a video game about a character whose life revolves around soda shops and malls.
The game itself was designed by someone with Barbie's intellectual capabilities, and consists of her fighting inanimate objects at the mall while bombarding the player with pink imagery.
The game did inspire me to start reading more about mermaids, though!
Graphics: 1
I can't really give you a good description of the graphics. It seemed like it was rude to stare at Barbie. All I know is that that there was a hell of a lot of pink and lots of flowers and shit.
Fun: 0
It's not just because I'm a boy; this game really really sucks.
Girl Power: 0
This game was responsible for setting the woman's liberation movement back 30 years. Mattel later tried to publicly apologize by releasing a more modern intelligent Barbie product with, "Barbie's Biochemistry Lab(tm)." This made political gender situations even worse as the lab consisted of a set of pink test tubes, a heart shaped vinyl lab coat and instructions on making Kool-Aid. Four Mattel factories were firebombed by Leather Mamas, a gang of biker lesbians.
Gilligan's Island
Gilligan's Island. I'm not making this up. Somebody made this game. It amazes me enough that the idea of seven idiots stranded on an island sounded good enough to make a TV show out of, but then the fact that the same idea convinced someone to make a game out of it is incomprehensible.
You control the Skipper as Gilligan follows you around. You exchange comedic quips during your walk that decorum prevents from transcribing here. Needless to say, these two are about as interesting to listen to as Barbie's future shopping plans.
As anyone who wasted thirty minutes of their life to watch the show knows, Gilligan is very accident prone. He's the same way in this game. Birds and baboons hate him, and are constantly attacking him. And if you leave the screen while he's busy getting his ass kicked, you lose him. Then you have to go back and get him and hear his short speech that gives you hints to prevent future Gilligan losing mishaps. And it's really embarrassing to have to get game hints from a mentally handicapped man in a droopy sailor hat.
Gilligan happily offers his thoughts on the vicious baboon attack that nearly kills the Skipper.
The skipper can punch, but he doesn't ever want to when he's moving or jumping, or in the middle of any other situation where the punch might be helpful. So Gilligan's Island consists mostly of tripping over rocks, waiting for Gilligan and shaking your head in disbelief at how amazingly dumb this game is.
Graphics: 1
Gilligan looks like Waldo, but I think that's because they go shopping together after their Magic: The Gathering tournaments.
Fun: 0
Even if the Skipper and Gilligan would shut the fuck up, you still wouldn't want to play this crap.
Craftsmanship: 1
It's amazing how durable this cartridge is considering the Professor made it out of coconuts, Ginger's panties and Mrs. Howell's denture cream. But my copy still fell apart after only three hits with a shovel.
Tag Team Pro Wrestling
Tag Team Pro Wrestling. They spent about as much time programming as they did coming up with that title. For example, a body slam would consist of one wrestler suddenly appearing sideways above another wrestler's head. The graphics jump around like this so much, it may look like something has gone wrong with your Nintendo. Don't worry, it's just a bad game.
Graphics by Jacob, age eight.
The system for doing moves was also ingenious. Most games require you to go through this unnecessary sequence I call, "using the controller." Not Tag Team Pro Wrestling. Instead of actually controlling your guy during an action sequence, you scroll through a list of untranslated moves like "Enzui Giri!" and pick one. Then you relax and watch the little guys run around and play by themselves. And I believe "Enzui Giri" translates into: "You buy any game, white devil! Ha ha!" Actually, Andrew Turner informed me differently:
"Aaccording the online Japanese & English dictionary Enzui Giri means Afterbrain Duty... which perhaps explains why they didn't bother translating it..."
But no wrestling game would be complete with just bad graphics and unresponsive controls. A good game needs clever names. Names that strike fear into the hearts of enemies. However, the names in this game were decided by a group of raccoons randomly picking words out of an English dictionary and chaining them together. The results were "The Ricky Fighters" vs. "The Strong Bads."
Becoming the "Super Champion" requires something like 50 wins, but I think anyone playing this game long enough to accomplish that probably won't be able to form sentences well enough to tell anyone about it.
Graphics: 0
Take the ugliest thing you've ever seen and cover it with vomit. That's how bad these graphics are.
Fun: 0
You might giggle at how bad it is at first, but if you actually start to play it, it makes you pretty sad. Sad for the people who made it, sad for the people who bought it and sad for the cartridge that now must be destroyed.
Aspirations: 2
Tag Team Pro Wrestling has told me that it dreams of one day meeting a magical princess and becoming a real video game. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, but I laughed.
X-Men
I always wondered why companies even bothered to get a license for comic books and movies when they're just going to make a crappy game that has nothing to do with them anyway. In this piece of trash, you control a group of children in cardboard robot costumes. The game claims they're the X-Men, but since none of them seem to exhibit any of the X-Men's powers, you can't be sure.
If this game had digitized voices, you can bet you'd be hearing Wolverine and Cyclops here explaining their powers to one another for the benefit of the player.
The one that's supposed to be Wolverine doesn't even have claws. "Kick! Kick! Hop! I'm Wolverine, bub!" I think the only super power of his that was programmed in was his keen sense of smell. This is a very applicable skill when you're fighting the various toasters and typewriters in the game.
Trust me, though, I don't just hate this game since it defiles the X-Men. The X-Men are stupid enough to defile themselves. I hate this game because it's a bad game. Two X-Men at a time waddle through armies of small mechanical things that look like they were made out of trash cans and Speak & Spells. The computer controls one of them, but you can count on them either getting stuck in a corner or repeatedly running into the same enemy until they die. Needless to say, they're about as much help as Gilligan. You'll be happy when they're gone.
Graphics: 0
I wouldn't have known those ugly things were the X-Men unless you told me, and I still don't believe it.
Fun: 0
I can list a few of the things that are less fun than this game, but most of them end in death. Mutants are hated and feared with good reason: They star in one of the worst video games of all time.
Super Powers: 8
This cartridge is laced with Adamantium, the strongest known metal. This, along with its mutant healing factor make it very hard to destroy. It's the best it is at what it does, bub. And it sucks.
Dragon Lance: Heroes of the Lance
Dragon Lance: Heroes of the Lance. I don't know if I should be insulted that someone thought I would want to play this or amazed that its creators haven't been beaten to death by angry consumers. It's the story of eight characters going on a quest to probably kill some dragon or something for experience points and magic potions. Every time I play it, I end up hallucinating and building a hat out of tin cans. Then I attack people with a paper towel roll screaming, "I'm a chaotic evil half-elf dwarf fighter! Rahhrrr!" And no matter how many of my friends I kill, I still have yet to raise a level.
It's a good thing you have all eight of your inept fighters in Heroes of the Lance, since the controls are so bad, you'll probably run a few into pits or get killed by a little bald man half your size while you sit and wonder why your guy isn't attacking and/or jumping.
What are you laughing at? You act like you've never seen a woman being kicked in the shins by an angry hobbit before.
You also need each of the eight guys since they're all specialists. Some are much better at dying within a fewer number of hits. Some have a blue hat instead of a green one. There are other important differences like, according to the statistics, some are more charismatic than others. Be sure to keep track of this important character trait in case you ever figure out which button is the "Seduce Monster" button. I couldn't find it.
My cartridge has been missing ever since I rubbed that potion of invisibility on it, so if anyone finds it, please return it to:
Chuck's Auto Scrap Yard
187 Minare Road
Moscow, ID 83843
Please include a note on it that says, "Destroy for 400 Experience Points, you bitch."
Graphics: 0
Ass, a mysterious stranger, said this about the game's graphics: "I have seen many terrible things in my life. I've watched a man chew his own leg off to escape a rusty bear trap. I've seen animals burning alive, bleating to me for help. I've seen things that could turn a man's soul black. But nothing could prepare me for Heroes of the Lance." After this short speech, Ass returned to the shadows.
Fun: 0
I consider myself less fun for having played this game.
Irrational Temper: 9
After picking up a small spoon, the Heroes of the Lance cartridge charged at me furiously. It leapt through the air and struck me hard on the temple. I fought to maintain consciousness as I brought my rolling pin down fiercely on its plastic frame. "I can't beat it here. Not in its environment. Got to lure it onto the dance floor," I thought out loud.
"Your clever plans can't save you now, Seanbaby. You'll die here! So sayeth, Heroes of the Lance (tm)!!!" screamed the game, now wearing a little belt. It seemed to look into my soul. It was a deadly opponent, but I couldn't give up. What would Flash Gordon think?
Deadly Towers
Deadly Towers. This game was originally called Shitty Towers, but when 17 play testers went on a homicidal rampage, its name was changed to remind us all of that cold, bloody morning. This is the story of Prince Myer, the arson, as he quests to burn down some evil towers.
Most of Prince Myer's adventure involves fighting flying rats and blue bouncy balls by throwing his sword. The manual describes it like this:
"SHORT SWORD -- You start the game with this sword. It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword)."
Don't try to make sense of it. Just do everything in your power to not play this game.
Oh no! Prince Myer! He is feeling lonely because of his weak sword! And the ultimate deadly combination of fireballs, puddles and blue beach balls has placed him in deadly peril! Can you save Prince Myer from his fate in this fantastic game of skill and wits?
I think this game was released by a concerned parent group to get kids to stop playing Nintendo. And it worked. Hundreds of children everywhere threw their controllers at the television and went outside, desperate for any activity that didn't involve Prince Myer or his deadly water puddle enemies. Others continued to play, and inevitably dismembered most of their families. Was it all worth it? Just so a few kids could get some sun?
Since then, a group has formed called, "C.h.a.d. T.a.c.o." (Concerned Humans Against Deadly Towers And Christian Orgasms). They tend to be a little extreme, but you haven't lived until you've been to a Chad Taco cartridge burning party.
Graphics: 0
Looking at Deadly Towers is sort of like looking at a blank piece of gray paper, except more boring and more ugly.
Fun: 0
Take every besmirching comment I've made about how the other 19 games suck. Now stick them all here and add some vulgarities. Put an exclamation mark at the end of every sentence and scream them out loud. That's how much I hate this game.
Party Use: 5
You can play a drinking game with Deadly Towers. Have one of your friends (the smallest one in case they need to be restrained) play the game. The rest of the people watch, and drink every time he vocally expresses his disgust with the game. You can theoretically take turns, but everyone will probably be too drunk to move in a few minutes.
Instead of an apology, the grand prize winner of the Worst Nintendo Game's producer sent in this acceptance speech. It's both impotent and sad, like the game itself:
From: Alan Weiss
To: seanbaby@seanbaby.com
Subject: Deadly Towers
It was originally titled "Hell's Bells" but we couldn't use that.
I produced the game and it wasn't THAT bad for the times...some of the others are WAY worse. Nice to see it again, though.
Alan Weiss - Producer
LEGO Media International
For more Seanbaby reviews, check out The 24,504 Worst Pieces of Advice Ever Published and TThe 10 Most Butt References Per Second in Music History.
