Cracked Round-Up: Crippling Bowel Pain Edition

Dollar tacos are forged in the fires of hell itself. Our sphincters are shattered and our spirits are broken. Thanks, Jack In The Box!

POINTLESS

8 Horribly Misguided Futuristic Video Game Controllers Proof once again that most of the gaming industry has no fucking clue what they are doing.

"Welcome to the jiggily world of man boobs. "

Cloak is obviously talking about the upcoming Cracked pin-up calendar.

HIDDEN

7 Mind-Blowing Easter Eggs Hidden In Famous Works of Art Sadly, none of these easter eggs unlock the keys to a centuries-spanning conspiracy. Real life is so lame.

MartyRotten asks, "I've noticed something else about Michaelangelo's David that doesn't quite fit. David, according to the Bible, was the king of Israel, and therefore a Jew. Why isn't he circ*mcized? "

Michaelangelo based David's penis off of his own.

BAFFLING

The 7 Most WTF Post-Fame Celebrity Careers There is something fundamentally uncomfortable about a skinny, fit Chunk.

"DON'T YOU DARE MOCK THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR, HOAK HOGAN! HIS DESTRUCITY KNOWS NO LIMITS!!!"

Thanks for that, pharmmajor. Whatever it is.

OUTLIERS

The 6 Most Statistically Full Of Shit Professions Wine tasters being full of shit makes us much more comfortable with our decision to buy it by the gallon.

Notable Comment:

"There are some legitimately talented wine tasters. A certain fraction of the population are "supertasters", meaning that their sense of taste is much more acute than a normal person's. They can actually taste minute differences in the wine they drink. "

If no one else can taste the difference, JWVirden, than what is the point?

UNEXPECTED

6 Enlightened Ideas Brought to You By Evil Empires Just because you're a vile, baby-murdering dictator doesn't mean you can't recognize a good idea when you hear it.

Notable Comment:

"Why is allowing women to fight a "good thing?" Something like 20 million Russians died in WW2... it wasn't about feminism or equality or equal rights, it was about Russia needing more meat shields for the motherland."

We'll come clean with you, hatmanz. We have a fetish for girls with guns.

Cody Johnston

14 (Still) Unanswered Questions from Season 1 of 'Lost' Dammit, J.J.

YOU YOU YOU!

If You Had a Time Machine (And a Sick Sense of Humor) We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Things That Will Not End Well

1.28.09:

Thanks, eHarmony!
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

They totally did it. You can tell by the smile on the droid's face. And the robot looks happy, too.
by Mothra24

1.27.10:

I'd nail her.
by GaseousClay

Editor's pick:

You know what needs to be sexier? Crucifixions!
by Ceveron

1.26.10:

"Robin, come here. I've designed a special costume for you to wear just around the Batcave."
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Holy Ankles, Batman! I may not be gay after all!
by Kamikaze Phoenix

1.25.10:

Joseph promptly showed up at the Silver Surfers house to ask him a few questions...
by tsiegle

Editor's pick:

"Dammit, Mary! You dip the baby's SHOES in metal to preserve them! His SHOES! His SHOES!"
by Julius_Goat

1.24.10:

Sadly, in his later years, Pooh had to resort to drugging honey to get some tail.
by liberalScum

Editor's pick:

He had removed his pants and she was still there, so far so good
by metsfan

1.23.10:

Set phasers to fabulous, Mr. Sulu.
by jtklove

Editor's pick:

Shittiest cloaking device EVER.
by Mr.Excalibur

1.22.10:

Apparently the chicken crossed the road to get some chemotherapy
by Ceveron

Editor's pick:

Your move, psychiatry
by oskhen