5 Cobra Commander Terror Plots That Might Actually Work
Cracked usually runs articles about things you used to watch when you were a kid and how, upon further examination, they are way more retarded than you remember. We secretly hate our younger selves for being such embarrassing dumb asses, and pointing out how stupid the Smurph language is helps us cope with the anger.
So we were all ready to point out how far-fetched Cobra Commander's plots for world domination were, but the more we remembered, the more we were reminded of the news.
The Wrong Stuff
"We possess the ultimate weapon of control! People trust television! It's their friend! They believe what television tells them about the news, television... even G.I. Joe!"
The Plot:
In one of their many attempts to use television for evil, Cobra Commander uses stolen satellites and an inexplicable headquarters in the Himalayas to take over the airwaves, broadcasting Cobra TV to turn public opinion against G.I. Joe and in favor of their snake-themed one world government.
Programming includes classic movies with the endings changed to reflect a more anarchistic world view, a version of the Smurfs that was even more socialist than the original, and while we didn't actually see the Right-Wing Australian punditry of The Zartan Factor, we're pretty sure it was in there somewhere.
Why It Might've Worked:
For an organization that once tried to conquer the world through mind-control chewing gum, this is actually not a bad plan. Sure, their shows are bad and the re-cut movie endings are stupid, but if there's anything we've learned from the fact that Two and a Half Men is the highest rated comedy on television, it's that people will watch anything, especially if it's stupid. Seriously, just try getting through one of Jimmy Fallon's monologues without wishing you were being indoctrinated into the ranks of the Televipers instead.
The Great Alaskan Land Rush
"Who are you?"
"The new owner of Alaska, hockey puck!"
The Plot:
Cobra Commander attempts to take over Alaska; not through force of arms, but by using a little-known loophole in William Seward's original treaty that gives legal ownership of the state to whoever has possession of the state seal--presumably rechristening it as Cobralaska and making it the first step in eventual world domination. This, as you might imagine, is a fairly stupid plan.
Why It Might've Worked:
The idea of a babbling laughingstock wrestling power away from the U.S. Government using an obscure and possibly fictitious clause in a state document might've seemed like a stretch in the 80s, but that's pretty much exactly what Texas Governor Rick Perry was doing when he started advocating secession based on something he essentially made up. Once again, Cobra Commander was decades ahead of his time.
As for the people of Alaska, well, they would later go on to elect Gubernatorial Beauty Queen Sarah Palin, elevating her from her status as the former mayor of the state's meth capital to a historic Vice Presidential campaign that brought her perilously close to actually running the United States of America before she lost and decided it was better to quit than to lose a basketball game. Or something like that. Point being, the rest of us are starting to get the idea that Alaskans might just be into girls who wear glasses and have goofy accents, and trust us: Cobra's got that one covered.
Cobrathon
"By the serpent gods of the netherworld! How do you expect me to raise five billion dollars?!"
The Plot:
In order to fund the development of a destructive computer virus, the Cobra organization holds a telethon, taking pledges from various other terrorist organization while putting on a show. The centerpiece, of course, is the execution of Joes Lifeline and Sci-Fi, but they were also counting on other acts, like Destro's truly awful stand-up comedy routine, to keep the cash rolling in.
Why It Might've Worked:
As mentioned above, Destro's attempt at stand-up comedy is terrible. The jokes are bad, the delivery's over the top, and he seems to be getting through it by appealing to the worst of an audience with abysmally low standards.
Dane Cook and Larry the Cable Guy made $20,000,000 in 2008.
Each.
Eau de Cobra
"It was the formula for a love potion! One whiff and a man would fall in love with the woman who wore it!"
The Plot:
Following a recipe found on stolen hieroglyphics, Cobra, having noticed that all great revolutions start with cosmetics, synthesizes a mind-control perfume and sets about getting the Baroness to seduce a millionaire to gain control of his fortune. Why they chose to do this on a crowded yacht that was also host to a couple of G.I. Joes, why they didn't just drive a squadron of HISS tanks up to the guy's house while he was at a party and just take the money and why they thought that the Baroness--whose appearance ensured that a generation of young men would grow up with a thing for brunettes in glasses and leather pants--would need mind-control perfume to help her seduction, the world may never know.
We also become aroused in the presence of needless exposition.
Why It Might've Worked:
Putting aside the perfume, this is essentially just a story of using a pretty girl to gain control of an asset. And while you might not think that would work on the kind of world-dominating scale Cobra Commander was shooting for, we'd like you to meet Carla Bruni.
She's the one on the right.
Bruni, a former underwear model, songwriter and noted brunette with a sexy accent, met Nicolas Sarkozy at a dinner party and married him less than four months later. Sarkozy, for those of you don't know, is the President of France, which--and this is the crucial part here--is a country in possession of at least 30 nuclear weapons.
Just to be clear, we're not trying to imply that Carla Bruni is actually a criminal mastermind working for a shadowy organization, because if she were, we'd all be living in Cobra-La by now.
Cold Slither
"Destro has designed a program that creates rock 'n' roll music!"
The Plot:
Undoubtedly inspired by a pair of suicides attributed to Satanic Messages on Judas Priest's Screaming For Vengeance, Cobra Commander slapped some glam-rock wigs on Zartan and the Dreadnoks and produced his own hypnotic single. Unfortunately, Cold Slither (with their #1 hit "Cold Slither" from the album Cold Slither) only made it as far as the State Fair before the plot was uncovered by G.I. Joe, most likely because they forgot to make the messages subliminal and instead put lines like, "Do not resist, 'cause Cobra is strong" right there in the actual song.
Why It Might've Worked:
One word, folks: Juggalos.
If Cobra Commander was trying to inspire fanatical, violent devotion from an otherwise shiftless and apathetic bunch of kids with extremely poor taste in music, then maybe Cold Slither's problem wasn't that they were stupid and terrible, but that they weren't stupid and terrible ENOUGH.
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Cardboard cut out of Baroness awarded with every article pitch.
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