Cracked Round-Up: Darn The Man Edition.

That's right, darn the man. Darn him straight to heck.

MIND-BOGGLING

7 Man-Made Substances That Laugh In The Face of Physics. Newton was a cock.

Notable Comment: "I took a tour of my city's sewage treatment plant, and they use carbon nanotubes to filter the water. So they're also used for sewage treatment, which really isn't that glamorous." That may be true, ramenkingroshi, but it's hard to live glamorously when your tap water runs brown with human feces.

CELEBRITERRIBLE

Scientology's 5 Newest Celebrity Recruits Sure, we mock them now, but soon they'll be the ones feeding US to lions. We feed Scientologists to lions, right? If not, we really should start.

Notable Comment:"You forgot Jerry Seinfeld. He's been shilling for Scientology lately." Actually, T-Bag, that's probably going to hurt their efforts.

BAD BABY

13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys. We are a terrible species.

Notable Comment:"So these are the kind of things our parents played with as children? No wonder the human race is such a mess." The Cold War was a terrible time, Fuckaccounts.

DAMMIT ALL

8 Shittiest Transformer Disguises Toy designers did a lot of cocaine back in the 80s. Seriously, a LOT of fucking blow. You can't even imagine.

Notable Comment: "And once again Cracked tries to buttfuck my childhood memories." We tried, BagABones, but Michael Bay beat us there. That's right, mother-fuckers, another Michael Bay joke. We're writing bold new comedy ground here.

UNFAIR

The 5 Most Hated Creatures on the Planet (Don't Deserve It) It turns out we've been unfair to mosquitoes all these years. Oh well, we're still going to kill the shit out of those mother-fuckers.

Notable Comment:"Finally, an article that appreciates the spreading of diseases." If there's one thing we understand Leperkhan, it's spreading diseases. We didn't spend all that time in Vegas for nothing.

BriTANicK

Answering The Phone In Movies Can Be Tricky At First Hey, it's Swaim!

YOU YOU YOU!

Things You Never Noticed in Famous Pictures We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, The Most Ill-Concieved Displays of Patriotism.

6.25.09:

Looking like a giant douche bag: We've got an App for that.
by dmophatty

Editor's pick:

In three months they'll release a more advanced protester for the same price.
by diasdiem

6.24.09:

The gray transformer did not deal well with being cut from the sequel.
by hwuu

Editor's pick:

At 10 cents a bottle, the collection is estimated at 13-times more valuable than his piece of shit car.
by gitsum

6.23.09:

Papa Bear's chair was too hard, and Mama Bear's chair was too soft. But Uncle Bear's chair was an indescribable horror.
by Tessica

Editor's pick:

I'll just stand, thanks...
by Leaf

6.22.09:

While no one was severely injured in the collision, one of the men did report feeling "all shook up."
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

Men in diapers, an Elvis impersonator... Fuck! We made a wrong turn. We're in Dis-Graceland.
by Leaf

6.21.09:

"If you get hungry, my Mom filled my pack with Lunchables."
by geniuswaitress

Editor's pick:

I am totally buying this porno.
by bobina

6.20.09:

Is that a horse or are you just happy to see me? Oh, I see, both.
by kglar

Editor's pick:

The artist was a bit confused when they commissioned him to erect a statue
by MC_Rap

6.19.09:

Whatever Germany, you had me at 12.99
by Medusamania

Editor's pick:

BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE TROCKENHAUBE! IS YOUR... DO YOU... um... ONLY 12.99, BUT YOU GOTTA ACT NOW! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!
by crazyivan